4 y/o just will not listen

[opulentalligatorsalt]

My 4y/o ds is absolutely wonderful in so many ways. He is kind, caring, sociable, funny and incredibly loving.

But he is also very hard work and our elder DS wasn't like this and I a) don't know what to do and b) don't know if it's normal. He goes to pre school full time and as far as I know is well behaved. Never had any issues raised at all.

But at home and out and about he just will not listen.

If I say to him for example "you must hold my hand, it's a very busy car park and we need to be safe" he will spend his whole time trying to get out of holding my hand.

In a supermarket he will touch absolutely everything despite being asked multiple times not to. He will roll around on the floor, sometimes even lick things (!!!) and when I ask him not to he will ignore me. He only responds if I shout, when he will stop but also cry and say 'i love you mummy, do you love me'. So I'm either constantly nagging him or shouting.

At home he can get a bit hyper at times and will just take things too far - like he'll run around naked after a bath and I'll say ok enough now, but he just won't listen. If we let him do anything remotely 'wild' or exciting he just cannot come back from it unless we shout. We will say to him enough is enough, give warnings, tell him we'll get cross but it's only shouting that actually nips it in the bud.

He is a very physical child (not at all agressive) and is always trying to climb and hang on things. If he can't freely hang or climb he will be rolling about on the floor or trying to climb something or hang from something.

It's just bloody draining. I don't really enjoy taking him out to places as he isn't well behaved - he's terrible in restaurants and cafes. He's not good in shops or even if we go the library together, I'll suggest picking some books to look at and he just doesn't listen and just rolls around on the chairs. Won't sit still at all, has awful table manners. We have tried, or I feel we've tried but what we have tried hasn't worked 😭.

Maybe some of this is normal? Maybe there is something else we can do. I love him so so much he's such a great character, fiercely independent and I don't want to squash his spirit, but also he needs to be better behaved. I really don't want to be nagging and shouting all the time.

His brother by comparison is cautious and very compliant. He has his nuances too but he's easier to manage for sure.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received!

I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid.

Just wanted to say I am going through something similar myself with my son (he's 2.5 years).

He is gorgeous but won't listen either, especially when we are out. Drives me potty.

Kids are hard work and all unique.

You just have to keep praising the good behaviour and not reacting to the bad behaviour (the attention they crave). Easier said than done I know.

Do you have a garden?

Lots of outdoor space and things to climb on and swing on are needed.

Put him out there whatever the weather for good periods of time. Let him have the freedom to do what he needs to do. Sounds like he needs lots of sensory input as his behaviours are very sensory seeking.

Forget library etc. he's getting nothing out of it.

When you take him out and about use a backpack with a strap. Then no hand holding and he can't run off.

If he rolls of floor pick him him and stand him on his feet. Try no verbalisation. Remove that need for him to have you shouting to respond.

Make boundaries very clear before you go.

You need to .......

Make it worth his while to try and comply by having a simple rears afterwards. Even if it's 5 minutes in the town park or whatever.

Some children just do have a need to be moving all the time. You need to balance meeting that with your expectations because he'll struggle to meet behavioural demands without meeting his need for movement.

We do have a garden and he's out there all the time, he loves it.

You are right about him being a sensory seeked. His older brother has sensory issues but they are so very different to ds2's!

Your point @itsgettingweird about getting the balance right really struck a chord. I often feel like I dont totally 'get' him and the things I want to do with him are not the things he actually wants to do.

Non verbalization is a good idea. As @Monkey2019 said I'm aware that reacting to the behaviour gives him attention but I can't totally ignore it and that's where I get stuck!

Thanks both 👍

My Ds is very similar and I'm not sure he's "normal" but school don't seem to bring it up. He's 6 ( year one at school) I could have written your post as sometimes Infeel all I do is correct him and crush his spirit / ruin his fun. I think I'm trying to make him too grown up too fast. Then I think just sit still, eat your dinner ahhhhh. We've been away abroad for half term for the first time and he's actually been much better at sitting at dinner, but that could be schools influence. He's a lovely kind boy, but yes climbs everything. Maybe it's just a boy thing?

What's your older child's sensory needs?

Swimming is great for sensory seeking kids.

My ds always sought certain movements (he has a neurological muscular disorder and autism) and he's now a para swimmer.

He's much more able to sit still after swimming and now he swims 9 times a week (5 days) he's like a different child.

Mine also hated some sensory inputs such as (noise).

Sometimes they can be both sensory seeking and avoidant and it's finding out what works best for them.

But absolutely you're right that sometimes what we think will work has an affect on them we only see through behaviour and it gets quite stressful for them and us!

He only responds if I shout, when he will stop but also cry and say 'i love you mummy, do you love me'. So I'm either constantly nagging him or shouting.

No advice but a handhold and sympathy from me! My DS is nearly 4 and exactly the same. His thing is "are you happy!?" when we get to that point. I hate shouting but sometimes it's as if he genuinely can't hear me, because he's engrossed in whatever it is he's doing (the touching everything in the shop drives me bananas!). I know there's nothing wrong with his hearing, because he can hear "would you like a biscuit?" from a mile away!

I try to keep my cool, get down to his level, explain things/be clear and concise etc etc, but sometimes I just have to get something done or do something with DD (who, incidentally, was very different to DS when she was little!) or whatever, and I really need him to calm down and just listen for a moment. When that doesn't happen I have to raise my voice and then he gets upset, obviously. It's hard.

I feel your pain, OP. Mine is adorable, clever, funny and wonderful and I love him to bits, but some days are very difficult!

First I'd lower your expectations . Pick a couple of deal breakers and work on them slowly at his pace. Lots of praise and attention. Manage his environment so if he likes to empty cupboards and you don't want him to lock the cupboards etc. structured routine, good sleep routine and regular meals. Lots of physical activity and ops to burn energy. Find a couple of good distraction techniques (eg ipad) save them for difficult stuff or when you need a break. Don't set him up to fail, if he can't sit still for prolonged periods don't expect him to but praise him if he does. Don't compare behaviour day by day, one day he might be having a great day and behaviour is fab the next day he might struggle it's not a case of but he did it yesterday so he can do it today. It's just he managed better yesterday. Same with nursery, he might be better behaved at nursery but the likelihood is he has his difficult behaviours when he's with you because it feels safe to do so.
Philippa Perrys parenting book is very good.