It’s not really about the internet 🤨
Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, and started medication, these are the kind of things that happened to me:
I used to lose my car as I’d forgotten where I’d parked it in car parks. Really lose it though and be hunting about for some time, panicking and hating myself for being so stupid. Once I even forgot what colour it was. Imagine the rising sense of panic and the “WTF is wrong with me?” thoughts..
I put the wrong fuel in my car and had to have it all cleaned out. Yes, that is something that happens to non-ADHD people. However, I did it three times in under 12 months. The last time it was a new car and it cost a huge amount to repair. While the car was being towed away, I somehow lost my debit card at the same time, in the panic. I felt SO stupid.
While I was sitting in my car that day, waiting for the breakdown people to arrive, I remember sitting in the car with my head leaning against the wheel, and thinking to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore, I want to kill myself”.
It wasn’t a feeling that lasted for a long time that day, but in that moment it was just a feeling of absolute hopelessness and failure, and trying to live my life on a daily basis whilst fucking up the most basic things. I was also late for somewhere I really needed to be, letting people down, and had to phone up and explain, still full of shame.
Another car related one, even since medication (I have so many more examples but my mind is on a car theme now 😂):
I was pulled over by the police and told they couldn’t find any licence, MOT or tax for me. As it happens, I had actually renewed my insurance ! (All done online, with email reminders, with paper it would never have happened). It had been renewed only a few days before though, so wasn’t showing.
Licence - Well, I do have one. But it is in my maiden name (I’ve been married twice since then but didn’t get around to changing it) and has an old address on. This caused some confusion. I also didn’t have the actual card as I’d lost it.
MOT - overdue by a few days (I had a vague idea and believed it wasn’t due yet)
Tax - A year overdue 😳 As I explained to the policemen - who were very patient and quite kind - it was a bit tricky as I’d lost the letter with the renewal number on, and the log book, then when I eventually downloaded and printed the bloody form, the chassis number wasn’t recognised.. then I just procrastinated for a year and use to lie in bed at night worrying about it.
The policeman said to me “I’m getting that admin isn’t your strong point” 🙈 When I said “I have ADHD, and it really isn’t my strong point” (I was feeling quite tearful by this point) he gave me such a look of pure sympathy that I concluded that he must know someone with ADHD, he looked like he actually got it 😂
I then had to phone my DH and explain to him that the dog and I were sitting in the back of a police car and needed to be picked up, as my car was being taken away.
Believe it or not, I have a professional job and am educated to masters level in subjects that people generally see as being very difficult to study. I was known as “the brainy one” all through school. For some reason, people still perceive me to be ‘clever’ in many settings. There are some things that very come easily to me. I’m very good at taking exams, as I have an almost photographic memory for facts, dates and memorising academic texts 🤷🏻♀️ (I know quite a few ADHD adults and there are always so many contradictions!)
There is so much more to it than just being forgetful though, so much more, but this post is long enough already. (If I got started on the emotional and impulsive side of things I’d be here forever).
I once worked with a man who’d suffered a serious head injury and we found that he had strikingly similar struggles to me. He also used similar strategies to work around them.
It is so insulting and upsetting to suggest that living with this isn’t real.