NC for this.
As a child I was very easily intimidated and had zero assertiveness skills. This continued all the way into my teens. I was regularly picked on as other kids could sense the fact that I wouldn't stand up for myself. I would say that it's not something I struggle with now, although I abhor confrontation.
When growing up, I didn't feel like I had no rights and that I was fair game to be spoken to rudely, or be made fun of. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, the other child would quickly shut me up and I would almost apologise.
My 7 year old seems to be exactly the same. Unlike me, he is a very popular boy who everyone seems to like. Very outgoing, chatty, funny. However he has a school friend who he generally seems to be very close said. This boy seems like a lovely child. I've become friendly with his mum who is absolutely lovely.
However, my son said this other child sometimes screams at him for silly things and shouts at him when he doesn't answer quickly enough. I told my son to firmly reply with 'don't speak to me like that'.
My son told me that he tried this today and the other boy got so angry that my son told him to calm down as he had just been joking. Now it turns out that the other boy apparently 'head butted' him when he didn't hear him last week. My son didn't say anything as he felt too scared. He just told me this an hour ago.
I have explained about physical and emotional boundaries and that my son has the right to protect them and the other child does not have the right to break them.
I dont want to go all guns blazing because my son, although sensitive, can be mischievous himself and I'm sure there are things he isn't telling me. However, he was just sobbing his heart out saying he tried his best to stand up for himself but was too scared to do it properly.
I absolutely hate seeing my child feeling as intimidated and as powerless as I felt. I just could not stand up for myself and, looking back, spent so much of my childhood and teenage years miserable. I wouldn't say I was badly bullied, but my self esteem was rock bottom. I took an overdose when I was 15 and I still don't really know why. I suspect that I just felt worthless. I survived it obviously, but used to wish I would get a terminal illness and just felt like I hated life.
I read an article this evening that says that people who struggle with assertiveness often had poor boundaries growing up, and that was definitely a case for me. It took me a long time to individuation from one of my parents emotional needs and I was very parentified. Oh my gosh, it was so damaging. Looking back, I never valued my own boundaries because nobody else seemed to.
So, how can I help my son to stand up for himself? What philosophy can I use to underpin a sense of his right to assert himself? How can I take the sting of fear out of these situations for him?
I try to raise him to be confident, listened to, to have good self esteem and to feel unconditionally loved. I make a point t of preserving his innocence as much as possible and not telling him my problems or expecting him to provide me with emotional support. We are a respectful home and speak kindly to eachother (most of the time!).
I can't bear the thought of him being like me. But I've no idea how to approach this. I have had counselling recebtly myself but can't afford it currently. I worked through a lot though.
Thanks for reading.