Witnessed a child being abused and I feel so helpless

[Breezycheesetrees]

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this really. I overheard a young boy being yelled at and threatened with having his pants pulled down by the older woman he was with (presume grandma). He was about six. He was really distressed and looked physically not in good shape, he was asking for water which seemed to be what the argument was about. At the point where she roughly shoved him over a wall and began pulling his pants down so she could "slap his arse" I intervened, tried to speak to the boy and offer him water but he was terrified and just wanted me.to.go away. The Grandma was furious and verbally abusive to.me too. He had a little sister with him. There were other witnesses but nobody else got involved. As she hurried the kids away I rang the police; they took it seriously and sent patrol cars, but later rang back to say they couldn't find them. I can't get that poor little boy's face out of.my head. What could I have done better? I've just made things worse for him haven't I?

You’ve done your bit. I think if I were you I’d regularly return to where I saw them in the hope of catching a glimpse and discreetly taking photos that I could take to the police. But really? You’ve done your bit. There’s nothing more you need to do. If everyone does their bit then you have to believe it’ll be ok.

I woul definitely do that if it was on my local area, but it was in a city an hour away and I was only there for a hospital appointment. The police said they're going to look at CCTV, as we were just outside the hospital so there will have been cameras everywhere, but realistically it's unlikely Amy action will be taking.i dread to think what the poor lad is going through now as a result of this. I know it's really important not to just walk on by, and safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, but I just felt so powerless to actually make things better for him.

God, typos everywhere. You get the gist.

You did the only thing you could do, which was to contact the police. If this behaviour is regular I would think (hope) others would step in

Well done for reporting it. If it’s on cctv then the police and social services will get involved. The little boy will remember the stranger that got involved and stood up for him for the rest of his life.

That is what I'm clinging on to - at least he saw that someone could see the way he was being treated wasn't ok.

You could post on a local (to the incident) Facebook page. I would describe the incident (location, time etc.) and ask other witnesses to contact the Police, and ask locals to check their CCTV cameras.

I've had this situation too and also reflected on what I could do next time. It was a mum screaming at her boy in a trolley because he was crying for something. She was grabbing at him and pushing him back into the trolley aggressively. I found it horrendous. I was also so disgusted that everyone around me was pretending not to notice. I mean there were men all around me!!!! And women too. Why am I the only one wanting to help???!!!

I kept loudly saying 'HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT SHES DOING TO THAT CHILD??" Everyone ignored me. I had to think fast - I remember thinking if I had a go at her (and believe me I was angry and ready for her to give it back) then the child would come off worse. She would blame him for me intervening and he'd get it twice as bad. So I stead I said "aww it's such a long day for them isn't it, he's doing so well". Her reply it's an even longer bloody day for me. Then she walked to the bus stop to have a cigarette. JuT awful.

As we past her again DC was whinging too and I validated him in front of her, stroked his head and said it's ok darling we will be home soon. Hoping she would see.

I'm not saying you should have done the same as me but I did the best with what I had. I wish I'd taken a picture but we're usually scared of being seen and causing a scene. Next time I will take that photo. Am asking myself what else could I have done? Is there a number to call? Should I have it in my phone? Would that have been enough to warrant a phone call to the police. Just makes me feel so sad and useless.

I'm not excusing her behaviour at all, but when my ds was small I shouted at him in a shop and pulled him towards me, although I didn't hurt him. A woman told me to calm down, that I didn't need to do that and she was right. I've never done that again no matter how stressed I am, so maybe she might reflect on it later? It's doubtful from what you have said but you may have made a difference without knowing.

It's so depressing. Why do the most ignorant, violent, horrible people always have the most children? It never ends. Someone abuses their child, the child then grows up angry and damaged, has five kids of their own, and then repeats the abuse. I know that isn't always the case, and I deeply admire people who overcome bad childhoods, but let's be honest - in most cases the abuse is repeated.

People with a history of abuse really ought to be stopped from having more kids.

I would do this, even if anonymously.

This was way beyond what you've described I'm afraid; it looked and sounded (from the boy's demeanor and the way the Grandma was speaking) that this is normal interaction for them. I loitered in the background for a good few minutes before stepping in. When I pointed out that the way she was treating him was abusive (I'm afraid I didn't manage to keep my cool although I know I should have done) she laughed and said don't be ridiculous, I'm just smacking his bottom cos he won't shut up. Publicly humiliating him and hurting him for wanting a drink on a hot day? That's not just normal parental frustration is it.

Is it possible to post on Facebook anonymously?

I don't think it's true at all that "in most cases" the abuse is repeated. Most abused children grow up with mental scars, yes, but they are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else, and they are more vulnerable to being further abused as adults. Some abused children grow up to perpetuate the abuse, but I'd be interested to see your evidence that's it's the majority - I assume you have evidence, because if you don't, that was a VERY insensitive and offensive assertion to make.

Bravo, OP - you have shown that child that there are adults who see what is happening, and that it isn't socially acceptable for him to be treated like that. I hope the police chase it up.

Yes, some groups have automatic anonymous posting, others you can contact the admin and ask them to post.
Thank you for standing up for him and trying to help.

Woah, that's a bit of a leap! Plenty of people who were abused as children go on to become lovely, loving parents. Plenty of abusers had perfectly normal childhoods. Way to stigmatise abuse survivors!

I hesitated to post this OP because I really hope it doesn't make you feel worse, but please bear with me, it gets better at the end!

I was abused as a child. Beaten, shouted at, thrown across the room, starved and deliberately dehydrated. My dad was the main abuser (but mum did absolutely fuck all to protect me or my brother, so I hold her almost as culpable) and he was so confident in himself that he didn't care who saw, because no-one at all stopped him. Not a neighbour, relative, parents' friends, passers by or even a teacher.

Until one day when I was about 8. My mum's old boss had dropped in at the house for something (the rest of us hadn't met him before) and while he was there I got screamed at and punched in the head by my dad, right in front of this stranger.

The man leapt up, grabbed my dad's arm and shouted "that's enough!". My dad was furious, but of course he wasn't going to take on another grown man so he walked out of the room - I think he went out to the garden - and I ran to my bedroom.

I won't lie, I knew I would suffer for that later (and I did) but honestly just that one person showing me that this was NOT normal and NOT acceptable saved me. I held on to that thought for years.

So, long story short - yes, there is a chance that the woman would be even angrier with the little boy, but if his life is anything like mine was, he now knows that he is not worthless and someone does care. And FWIW I've done exactly the same in your situation too.

(And please don't worry about me now, the abuse stopped when I was about 16, I met my wonderful DH when I was 18 and it's our 40th wedding anniversary shortly. We are both peaceful, gentle people who absolutely adore each other. We don't have DC but have filled our house with a variety of pets, mostly rescues, nearly all a bit wonky and they bring us so much joy. We have a fantastic life.)

Jesus Carrie I'm so sorry you went through that, and thank you for posting. I'm glad that intervention made a difference for you. Sadly I am resigned to the fact that my sticking up for this boy will almost certainly have made things worse in the short term, but I'm really hoping on some level he saw that I cared and that'll give him a little spark of hope. I'm glad things turned out well for you in the end.

A lack of intervention from bystanders is a huge contributing factor to PTSD in these cases so never think your involvement did nothing. It's showing that the child is a person worthy of care and attention.

Oh my goodness so true @ehb102

Poor wee lad, it’s heartbreaking. You did the right thing OP. Don’t be so sure the police won’t find them, if they live in that area it’s highly likely local shopkeepers will recognise them and might know more about their patterns of activity. Or CCTV might show them getting on a bus and they can trace people through Oyster cards etc.

What an amazing point @CarrieMoonbeams @ehb102 I hope this is read by more people to see how important it is we do something, however small it might seem to us to be. My gran (who is now dead) said long ago she was walking past an open door with the buggy where a man was thrashing a poor wee lad in the living room. She walked past and I know she thought about that moment until she died. Not that she could have done much herself and with a baby, but she just walked past and it always haunted her (and now me). You did something

After yesterday you may have given him the courage to tell a teacher at school.. He now knows he can be listened to op.

It's really important to hear the value and impact of intervening. I must admit I've thought of barely little else in the last 24 hours, I hope so so much that poor boy has an adult in his life he feels he can trust and who will advocate for him.

Could you notify local schools in the hope they might know who it is?