Why am I like this?

[heyheyheys]

I’ve always valued my mothers opinion but now I’m 25, have my own child and home (and my partner) and I still seem to seek her approval or do things she wants?

for example, there’s things I’d like to dress DS in but I don’t because I know she’d dislike it and make comments on it

I seem to avoid doing things (aka buying clothes, stuff for my house and child etc) that I think she won’t like

if I have my mind set on something and she has a different opinion I follow her when she talks me out of it

I know this isn’t normal, my partner has reminded me it isn’t but how do I stop it? Why do I seek her approval so much

Well she's had 25years to train you!
do you think you are asking for her expertise/ experience or is it permission/approval?

@JustTheOneSwan it’s more approval I feel I need to seek. And sometimes permission

That sounds like more of a conditioning thing than a lack of confidence.
Did you live with her until you started your own family?

Sounds like she controlling and manipulative. You're made to feel bad if you don't do what she wants and that's been drummed into since you were born. You don't want to feel bad so you do what she wants, you're not allowed to think for yourself. It's emotionally abusive.

Surely you’re not with her all the time so you can dress DS however you want? It really isn’t up to your mum how you dress your child/ decorate your house/ take your own decisions.

You need to grow up!!

@JustTheOneSwan yea up until I was 21 when me and DP bought our home

@Glitterspy I know I’m trying I just feel bad and don’t like going against her opinion. It’s odd I know

its not at all odd, she has got you trained......the way to do it is to do it.

She clearly doesn't care about upsetting you, OP. Maybe you should feel the same about not following her every command.

The good news is it isn't always a bad thing to listen to your Mum so don't fret too much.
As time passes you'll get into your own rhythm and feel better about it. For now though you can draw back a bit. Give everything a 1-5 rating of importance, 1- not important and 5-very important and only consider her opinion on the 5's.
Give yourself chance you don't automatically stop deferring to parents when you move away 🙂

Perhaps have a think (write it down) about how you feel when you're appeasing her; does that make you feel good/a good daughter, are you needing her approval for some reason, why might that be etc

On the other side of the coin why are you scared to go against her or have different tastes, how does that make you feel- are you scared of rejection or does that make you feel you are rejecting her. Is there any basis for it, has she reacted badly in the past etc.

We are not extensions of our parents even if they view us as this, we deserve to be loved as our own unit. The way you dress your DS is a small thing but presumably the tip of the iceberg.

I think just recognising it's an issue is a big step so you should congratulate yourself for that. Lots of people never seem to realise they're stuck in this mindset. But like pps say she trained you from birth.
If you're set on something just do it. Don't run it past her first. When she criticises your decision just say Well this is what I /we wanted. You don't need to justify it to her as you're the boss of your life not her.

im not sure. Why I seek the approval so much but I am majorly scared of rejection

and I get worried about being lonely. Aside from DS and DP I only have my mum dad sister and brother and they all have their own lives of course

i don’t really have friends and I’m lonely so I think I try to keep my family happy otherwise I’d be Even more lonel