How to deal with a needy, lonely acquaintance whose life is genuinely falling apart?

[youlightupmyday]

I met a woman a few years ago who has literally had the worst luck ever. I have met her family and know the incidents are true. She also drinks far, far too much now when we meet and has passed out 3 of the last 6 times. At lunch.

She is not from here and has no family living here and has also lost her job. She is desperately lonely, has no friends and just goes out drinking on her own. She is also really, really sad and frankly, I don't blame her. Her life is in ruins at the moment.

I hate to kick someone when they are down but I cannot let her into my life in a meaningful.way but I also can't fully abandon her. She isn't neurotypical and comes out with very odd things. I feel sorry for her but don't want to let her in to my life. My first two attempts to introduce her to my circle were utter disasters.

Does anyone have any advice? I cannot ghost her, it is mean, but also cannot be the best friend/ rescuer she needs. What would you do? Would you give her real.advice? Or just nod and smile and see her every couple of months or so. I travel a lot with work, am divorced with children, so she knows my schedule is chaotic.

She literally cannot make a good decision. It is so sad. She is early 40s.

Sounds as if the AA might have a role in her life. It would depend on whether she is ready for that stage yet.

All you can do is provide their contact details and let her take it from there.

And perhaps do some work on yourself to work out why you have had lunch again with someone who drank so much they passed out

That is definitely a situation where you are at serious risk of enabled I'm sorry, I get stuck in this sort of situation. I repeat the mantra I didn't cause, I can't control etc.

All the best.

You don't need to be the best friend or best rescuer. You don't have to ghost her either. There's lots of options inbetween that's

You can support her on your terms. Be her friend on your terms.

It's in no one's interest if you don't hold some boundaries as you'll end up resenting her and she will pick up on it and/or you'll end up wanting to ditch her completely.

Just see her when it's convenient for you and when you have the headspace for it. You are not responsible for her.

Good luck with it whatever you decide.

It really sounds as though she needs to be back with her family - she is clearly not coping on her own and things are frankly about to get extremely tough for all of us what with the cost of living crisis; vulnerable people like her will seriously struggle in the coming months and years without a support network around them.

Any chance of floating this idea to her?

Aside from that, this is honestly not something you can do much about. Don't give more than you can afford, either of time or practical help.

Thanks all, I suppose I am musing on what advice to give and how honest I can be about my meeting the support needs she has. I think I will mention the drinking. To be fair I now only meet her for coffee or lunch on work days. My weekends are too precious with my kids and friends, and I don't want alcohol to be an option.

I just feel if I am (gently) honest I may get sucked into a real support role. Whereas if I just nod and smile she is not getting any help that she so desperately needs. I do think saying go home may be a good idea. Though I not sure her step mother wants her. They have retired to France and she couldn't work there. But perhaps deal with her alcohol addiction.

On reflection I may mention her behaviour around alcohol needs addressing. But she will be mortified

The best thing you can do in a friendship is to be honest. She needs more support than you can give, and it probably needs to include professional support. If you have the time, look up some local peer-support groups for addiction and mental health and just be forthright: you are concerned about her drinking and her mental health and you can’t offer any kind of meaningful friendship to her whilst those things are causing her behaviour to be unstable and unpredictable, and whilst any friendship is so one-sided.

She may be unhappy at hearing it, but if she has nobody else in her life to tell her or care enough to try and point her in the right direction, it’s the kindest thing to do for her as well as for you.

HAs she been diagnosed as a not neurotypical, or is that something that you suspect? Am thinking there may be resources for support (even informal, online community messageboards) for specific conditions.

I think she is not a project for you to fix.

See her for the odd coffee and wish her the best.

You have enough with work and children.

If she mentions her alcohol intake, you could say that AA are an option but I would not be offering solutions.

Perhaps harsh but my experience of needy people when much younger and naive, have made me very wary.

Her diagnosis is specific and she has a kind of delusional self image. @billy1966 I hear and am trying to work out what I can manage as your recommended light approach is certainly an option

You do not have to apologise or justify as to why you don't want someone in your life, op. This poor woman's problems are too massive for anyone to take on. She needs professional help, and she is the one who must seek it out. It is perfectly ok for you to decide that she simple can't have a place in your life anymore. Your priority is your family, your career, and yourself. It would be wonderful if we had the power to fix people, but we don't.

*simply can't

Get her some AA info.
Don't meet for lunch at venues which serve alcohol. Avoid pubs .

If she asks why /tries to insist, tell her the reason. That she drinks too much and is an embarrassing drunk.

Instead you could meet for a coffee and cake at an unlicensed coffee bar (no need to stay more than an hour) . Or go for a walk in the park/window shopping.

If she is lonely, and willing to keep a friendship, I wouldn't cut her out completely, but make a boundary that I won't cross.
Passing out when out for lunch isn't normal. I would remind her that I would leave if she starts drinking.

@Aquamarine1029 I know, I know 🤦🏻‍♀️. But it just so sad. It isn't a friendship, I have realised that but she literally has no one else. As many PP have said, only give what you can and I will start with that. @ComtesseDeSpair also said be honest. I think I will, but nicely. And try and nudge her towards leaving here and getting help and explain that her needs are too high for me. Her decision making is pretty bad though.

She's not your problem op. Harsh as that sounds. From experience you will get drawn further and further in. Suggest coffee or a walk, she probably won't want to do that and will start to withdraw from you.

Thank you for all your kind advice. It is appreciated.

I've been sucked into supporting so many people and it's a thankless and exhausting task. I will never do it again.

Supporting friends who support you is one thing but this sounds like it will never be resolved.

User, you are right. It never will be