Name change: I didn't know where to put this. Not sure if it's just a temporary, exaggerated confusion or a disordered hole I am falling into, but I need to get it out.
I am in my forties and I have never suffered from any kind of eating disorder, and have had a fairly healthy relationship with food and eating all of my life. I have been lucky, probably, to have always been slim, but I am not a big portion person.
I have recently developed a really weird problem with everything edible. It probably began with reading on the internet, watching videos, etc. I got really into eating non processed foods due to the health related research (people like Dr Mosely?, not sure if that is the correct name) and what the food industry have done, the palm/hydrogenated oils, awful animal welfare and the whole 'frankenfoods' debate.
At first I just swapped a few things around, started to make a lot of stuff from scratch (always good!), but then found myself becoming more and more repressed with it. I only like meat that is organic, mostly due to animal welfare than taste. And I try to make sure most of my meals are decent, local-ish and fresh. This is all fine, but it seems to have gone weird.
I started overthinking, pathetic I know, but I have to admit it. I stopped buying white carbs around two years ago because I couldn't find one thing online or anywhere that suggested it was even slightly healthy. And I used to love it so much! Pasta was also a favourite. I became convinced from what I'd read (on here actually 
) about carbs causing cells to retain water and make us stack weight on. So my meals became 70% veg/salad and 30% chicken or fish.
Somewhere along the way I grew tired of this set of 'rules' and fed up, and longed to go back to how relaxed and easy my life with food used to be - but now I can't seem to, I am so ashamed to say, and am struggling to trust anything that isn't pure as the driven snow.
An example, today we went to a local M&S, most of what I wanted wasn't in stock, so i thought get some ingredients for a soup. Got it onto the conveyor belt then changed my mind in a panic as soup often makes me feel bloated.
My DP was exasperated but patient, poor sod went to stand outside in the wind. I felt an increasing sense of panic and felt hemmed in. I wanted to just pick up some fucking tortilla wraps (palm oil!!!) and frites (hydrogenated horror!), felt uninspired by overpriced salads and the idea of £9.50 for two small chicken fillets. I eventually walked out with one tray of sliced turkey and some cream cheese, I just gave up before my head exploded and now have very little in for the week ahead.
I overthink everything from the nutrients in each vegetable to how it affects my gut. It feels like I am dodging landmines. I can spend 3 days sometimes putting an online shop in order, fussing, until my delivery slot is taken.
Last few weeks I have drank a bit more wine than usual, due to stress. I also decided to get some bread and had a little over the course of 5 days. Unfortunately I swear I gained some weight and blamed the bread, even though DP insists I should look at the wine!
I am just so fed up of how far this has gone, how much it costs me, and this pathetic fear. I have thought it may be orthorexia, god only knows, but I want it gone.
If anyone feels the need to insult me for this, go ahead, I already feel defeated, confused and stupid. And I am not seeing a Dr about a first world problem such as this. Any advice or tips or a bit of perspective would help a LOT, so here's hoping. So sorry it's long, I wanted to get a clear picture over. Thanks for getting this far.