How can I help my 14 year old make new friends and gain confidence?

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My 14 year old dd used to be a happy go lucky, resilient little girl and was always bright and breezy, would laugh and joke all the time.
However, since going to secondary school she has had friendship issues and it’s really knocked her confidence.
She had some friends in her classes (rarely saw them outside of school) but a few weeks ago one of the girls (who has a lot of personal issues) turned on dd and wanted to ‘beat her up’, the other girls have taken this girls side (probably self preservation as they are scared of her)and now she has been ostracised in her lessons (and on social media) by this group.
Dd also has some friends in the other side of the school year, she would see these girls outside of school and they seemed like a nice bunch but over the last few months the group has disbanded a bit, one girl fell out with another and now sees other friends and one has also moved away from the group a bit, this just left dd and two others. The 2 other girls seem to have bonded and regularly have sleep overs most weekends and never invite dd. She was supposed to see one of the girls today but this girl has decided to see the other all day and has not invited dd to join them (even though all 3 are supposed to be friends), just says she is no longer able to see dd today.
Dd is so low and it really has dented her confidence, she just sits in her room most evenings and weekends. It’s breaking my heart.
I just don’t know how to help her.
There are a few dance or theatre groups in our area but I just can’t afford them and she says she doesn’t want to join without one of her friends coming so that’s a non starter even if I did have the money.
I don’t know if this is more of an issue with girls? I have a 16 year old ds and he has never had these issues, always had the same group of friends since primary school.
Has anyone else had this issue?

If you haven’t noticed teens are incredibly selfish and self serving.

If she’s in a large school then maybe she needs to move into a different subset - local school is banded ABC and each is it’s own group. I have twins and they don’t see each other at school as the bands don’t cross over.

Worth asking as a starting point.

failing that what year group is she? is she about to decide options GCSEs and will mix with others?

Has she started GCSE’s yet ? They tend to get new friends when they choose their options.
You need to keep her busy, take her shopping, get her to plant some summer pots, or whatever she likes doing.

Threetulips I have had endless chats with the yeah head, they won’t budge on moving her as they says they won’t get involved with friendship issues. She is coming to the end of year 9 and has made her GCSE choices. Sadly many of these girls are in the new classes. I can only but hope their will be others come along she can bind with.
And yes, teens are the most selfish and self serving, I still remember it well, 30+ years later. It’s so hard once you’ve become the parent watching your child miserable as a result of that selfish/self centred behaviour.

KangarooKenny Hopefully there will be new friends once she starts back in September and in her GCSE subjects. I will keep her active over the summer. I’m trying to see if I can get her into some voluntary work over the holidays.

Does she have friends outwith school? From activities or hobbies? Guides or scouts might be fun for her. What I would do personally is keep her involved in the real world and offline most of the time, mixing with different people and age groups. Is there a local group you could attend together? A walking group? Beach cleans? Nature group? Outdoor activities?

Fuzzyheid I have been trying to get her involved with Scouts for a while now as I feel it would really benefit her but she is absolutely dead set against it, she isn’t keen at all, she isn’t that outdoorsy. It’s a shame as it was quite affordable for me too. Most other activities in our area are so expensive.
I going to have a look on some volunteer groups, see if I can get her interested in something over the holidays, fingers crossed.

Your post could be about my daughter. Everytime she seems to make some friends, one of the girls decides my daughter isn't welcome for whatever reason. I'm quite shocked at how awful girls are to each other, they seem to go out of their way to be mean and exclude others. [Sad]

I’d take it further with the school to be honest they have a duty of care to your dd

Had a lot of issues with DDs friend group around this age. Two things that helped solve it for her, and don't know if either would work in your case, was change schools - yes its late in the day but an unhappy child will not do their best academically either often as well as its miserable. It did not solve everything but made a big difference. And moving her friendship group to boys, the boys were much less drama prone but she did go for the mathsy sensible type boys. Otherwise out of school things but that generally won't solve school but may help her mental health.

Would guides be more appropriate? My sister is a leader for the 14-18 age group and they do loads of things, from crafts, sausage sizzles by the river, nature walks and silly sports and games, trips to the cinema or theatre, book discussions, etc, as well as the more practical stuff like first aid, fundraising and charity stuff like bag packing in supermarkets and litter picking. She's fairly rural so her gang are from various villages and high schools, so they get well mixed up and there aren't any cliques (if they start forming, she breaks them up).

Take a look at your local council evening classes as these tend to be good value. Things like pottery, sewing, photography, yoga, keep fit, gardening, cooking...all these things may be starting up again now. I did a silversmithing course with the council years ago, it was excellent.

My daughter does Fire Brigade Cadets. It's free and because it starts with a 12 week training course, everyone new starts together. My daughter (who is not outdoorsy or indeed into any form of exercise) really enjoys it and she's gained lots of confidence. In fact she's been choosen to do some special drills at her passing out parade because she's done so well.

We insist that our children do one outside of school activity because if they fall out with their friends at school at least they have other friends to meet up with. They're not quite so vulnerable to school friendship issues now.

Aworldofmyown me too, they really are quite mean and inconsiderate to others feelings at that age.
Silkierabbit I have been looking into changing schools as she has been really quite miserable but the only local (ish) that could accept her is 3 bus rides away, I don’t think it’s doable, sadly. I have been encouraging her to change to a mainly boy friendship group, she talks regularly online with a boy in her class, he is lovely to her.
Fuzzyheid Oh I didn’t realise guides went up to that age group, that’s sounds fab, I’m sure she would like that. We are quite rural too. I will look into that, thanks.
ToastedCrumpetwithCheese That sounds interesting, I’ll take a look and see if there is anything like that in our area. That’s dd worry when she starts something new, that everyone else has already started and formed friendships, so a new group each time sounds like a good idea.
I agree with encouraging them to make friendships outside of school, this is what I am trying to get through to dd, I tell her that as horrible as it is to fall out with school friends, if she has others outside of school, it’s not so bad if she has others to see at weekends etc.

OP there is a real positive here. She WANTS to do an activity eg dance. That's a great start. I had the problem of my daughter quitting all her extra curricular activities and refusing to do ANYTHING after that. Is there any way you could call the scouts/guides leader and ask them to speak directly to your daughter and try to persuade her that she will be looked after during her first session?

Another one recommending cadets. My daughter joined the RAF cadets and has been flying several times, took courses, helped them turn the Land into an assortment etc. she's learned some amazing skills and really surprised me by thriving under the strict discipline. I pay £15 a month subs.

Yes my daughter liked that everyone was new. It also meant that they did lots of team building things and she and a couple of the girls got chatting (as everyone was out to make a friend or two). The do lots in their little team so she's now got a couple of girls she's swapped mobile numbers with. It's helped at school too because she's got something new/different/exciting to chat about so a couple of the girls seem more interested in her. She'll never have loads of friends (she's an introvert like me) but as long as she has a couple of people she can go out with or invite over, that's good enough for us.

Good luck, it's really hard trying to get them to do something you know is beneficial. I am quite harsh with our daughter though and basically didn't take no for an answer (at least until she'd given it a good try). I know mine gets more worried thinking about it than the reality once she's there. She just has to get through the door, so I tend to give her a loving (metaphorical) shove!

We went through very similar with DD... she found a few other friends but never really got over it. She kept her head down and got through GCSEs and left.

She wouldn't join groups outside school because her confidence had been knocked so much at school.

The thing that got her through were a couple of small boy bands (supported bands like The Vamps). The other fans became a friendship group, mostly online as scattered around, but a few were local enough, The went to all the gigs together, to meet the bands, to airports to wave banners etc - the bands ultimately broke up and so did their friendship groups but she'd had a chance to grow up , move on, do an apprenticeship and make new friends by then.

She still has trust issues with female friends since her experience at school.

Your DD may be able to use an interest in something else make friends? rather than find a group she's not confident enough to join.