How to make friends when you are ridiculously socially awkward

[AdalbertWafflin]

Just that really...

I used to have loads of friends, although I was a little shy throughout school, I didn't have any issues connecting with people.

Then I had a period of serious mental illness, over a decade ago now, but I feel like I have never been the same since. I have no friends left at all and I can't seem to connect with people at all anymore and it's starting to get me down.

I have almost finished my degree and although I have people to sit with and talk to at university, these connections don't seem to extend outside university. I am mature student (40's) and I've met others of a similar age, so it's not like the others are all in their teens. I am involved in a few extra curricular activities as well so it's not lack of opportunity to meet people.

I had a part time job, and whilst I'm working seem to get on well with everyone. Then they all go for drinks after work, and I go home as I'm never invited/told about plans. New members of staff get invited so the problem is definitely me.

I now have a full time job and again, I just can't make friends. I sit in my car at lunch as everyone has their groups.

I almost made friends with a mum from DS's school and we had a play date in the park. She said hi to me as she saw me out with DS somewhere, and as I wasn't expecting her, I was just ridiculously awkward and uncomfortable and we haven't messaged since.

I find the longer I go without making plans the harder it is to talk to people as I have nothing to talk about, as I have done nothing. I don't think I am an unpleasant person, I'm friendly, educated, normal looking (not that all those should be a precursor to friends, just for background I guess)

I don't know what my chat is I guess... Anyone have a step by step guide on how to be likeable and normal :(

You sound like you have social and communication impairments. Would pursuing a diagnosis help you understand yourself a bit more?

the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

I guess I’m suggesting that, if you can understand how you operate and use that as the basis for understanding your needs, then you can start to reach out a bit and cut yourself a bit of slack

I have often wondered this. I'm almost certain I had selective mutism as a child (people just assumed shy and things like that weren't investigated really back then). It didn't affect friendships, but I couldn't talk to some adults, particularly people in authority. I have wondered if there is some mild form of it which has reappeared (?) and would explain why I struggle to talk to people normally. I wouldn't even know how to go about getting a diagnosis at my age though. I have had therapy though the IAPT service, they generally conclude I have mild anxiety.

First of all well done on your job/degree!

is there anyone at work or at college you felt closer to or more of a connection than others? Could you suggest a coffee in your break? Or could you text the school mum, just a ‘haven’t seen you for ages, fancy a catch-up?’. I think true friendship takes time but it happens organically through shared experience, even if that experience is just drinking coffee together.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety? CBT etc??

I think with friendship some of the key is active listening, remembering stuff they have told you before, taking an interest in their lives, showing empathy and sharing experiences- exploring your common ground whether that is your children, course or job.

am sure you are likeable (and few people probably feel ‘normal’, which is overrated anyhow) but you sound very down on yourself and lacking confidence. It is hard to put yourself out there in those circumstances but many people are waiting for others to make the first move.

best of luck and try to feel proud of your achievements at uni and work and coming back from a serious illness

A lot of the autistic people I know have anxiety, it comes from a place of feeling like you ‘didn’t get the memo’ and wondering why everyone else seems to know how to operate in various situations.

The reason for seeking a diagnosis would be to better understand yourself and be a bit less hard on yourself, although work could make reasonable accommodations for you.

I tried with the school mum, we rearranged a playdate. But after looking slightly deranged when she said hi in the park, not surprisingly she made her excuses and said we could rearrange in a few weeks..

At uni, I used to ask if people fancied lunch, but beyond the work we were doing at that time, I struggled with conversation about anything else and it just feels so awkward.

I looked at that link Belle, and followed one of the tests (I know quizzes are just that, it's not a diagnosis) and it suggested maybe being on the spectrum. I guess it would answer a lot of questions why, but not solve the issues. Feeling like I 'didn't get the memo' perfectly sums up how I feel in social situations. Everyone else seems to have read some instruction manual on how to be a normal person, and I'm just blagging it.
I don't really have obsessive tendencies or OCD, but it's interesting that I almost have a degree in a subject which allows me to be nerdy and almost obsessive about a particular area in order to specialise in it further along in my career. And I can definitely lose days reading about the area that interests me.

I doubt very much your work colleagues are excluding you if you get on well whilst you're there and they are discussing plans in earshot- knowing how it is at my place of work, you don't invite people, you just go. If you're shy/struggle in social situations my guess is you hear chat about a social event and assume you're excluded whereas other just assume you don't want to go because you don't say anything. If I hear night out chat it would be typical to say 'oh hey a night out great what's the plan?'. No one would bat an eyelid however uncomfortable it might feel to you. (This is all assuming of course they are decent and nice people!)

Could you message the group and say something like 'next time you go out for drinks can I join you? I'm becoming a hermit and need a kick up the backside to be more sociable'

How long ago was the mum friend encounter? Less than a month - text her now and say hi we didn't ever manage to meet up how do you fancy it this week?

In terms of practical advice about conversation:

1. Don't force it & no need to fill every minute with chat. Silence is ok especially if you're watching kids/eating/drinking

1. Why not meet at an activity - bowling, cinema, even a walk so you don't feel such pressure to have a conversation

1. Have some topics up your sleeve that say something about you and invite a response and ask more questions. Eg chit chat chit chat....silence....

I've just booked a week in Spain and so looking forward to a holiday - what are your plans for the summer? Is this your first since lockdown? Do you like to sunbathe or sightsee? Or I went shopping last week and couldn't find anything- where do you shop? Do you buy online? Or I'm trying to cut down on my Meat intake have you got any tried and tested veggie recipes? I made an amazing xxx salad you should try it shall I ping you the recipe?

Ask questions and be interested but try not to interrogate but just knowing you have some topics up your sleeve in case of awkward silence often stops the awkward silence in the first place!

I'm socially awkward, too. I can get to know people if they make the effort to get to know me, but that's obviously not the best way to go about things.

Most of my friends come from a hobby that I attend twice a week. It's much easier to talk to people if you have an immediate interest that you can discuss with them. Is this something you could do? You could do a language course, a cake decorating class, learn a musical instrument, take up a sport.. anything really!

I think this is where my difficulties lie. I like questions because I know how/when go respond. I ask, they answer, I follow up.. or they ask, I answer and they say something else. But then I feel like I'm interrogating the other person as I just keep following up with more questions. General chitchat, especially if there is 3 or more of us talking, I don't know when I should say something. So I sit silently like a wierdo 😳

I struck up a conversation with a new colleague earlier which I think went well.she has children so I could ask about them. I don't think its lack of practice though, 40 years and I still don't really understand how conversations work with people I don't know.

I have messaged the school mum, and a sort of acquaintance who suggested we should get together with the boys but I never followed up with anything.