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Original poster

Please tell me your positive stories of DCs finding good friends once they get to high school

23 replies

EluneBePraised · 27/05/2022 14:31

DD is starting high school in August, she has ADHD although her focus has been improving over the last while. Plus she can be a bit immature for her age. Apart from one boy she has been good friends with since primary 1, she has no real friends. It seems that she is viewed as nice enough but not really seen as a friend the others want to 'hang out' with, as such. As the years have gone by, there have been hardly any invites to parties now the party sizes are much smaller, also playdates arent really a thing any more (the kids all have WhatsApp and communicate via that to arrange meet ups etc) she never really goes to friends houses unless I try and initiate it with the parents. An invite back to theirs is usually never reciprocated. DD tried to arrange meet ups at the weekend with friends but they read the messages and didnt bother to reply.

Today when I was at the shops I saw a big group of girls from DDs year out and about (including a couple of the girls DD messaged and the messages were ignored). I've been feeling pretty down about this and worrying about her having friends throughout high school. Has this been a similar case for anyone else's DCs and did they eventually find their 'tribe' after going to high school? DD also came home yesterday and told me that a couple of the kids in another class were picking on her (no other reports of issues like this until now) and i'm worried sick that if they are in her class at high school she will be starting out from day one being bullied.

OP posts:

HerbErtlinger · 27/05/2022 14:41

Yes exactly this: DD has always been on the edge of the social groups at primary, has never had a solid friendship. She's been so upset about it in the past and I've found it really challenging.

She started secondary school in September, sat next to a girl she'd not met before who she hit it off with and who introduced her to her friends and that was it. She spends every waking minute with this girl and one other, round each others houses, hours on the phone. She has made lots of other friends too and is very comfortable and happy. She said to me after she started 'i had hoped to find one friend but I never imagined I'd find a whole group' 😭

Secondary is so different from primary. I really hope your DD finds her tribe

resipsa · 27/05/2022 14:44

HerbErtlinger · 27/05/2022 14:41

Yes exactly this: DD has always been on the edge of the social groups at primary, has never had a solid friendship. She's been so upset about it in the past and I've found it really challenging.

Secondary is so different from primary. I really hope your DD finds her tribe

The 'one vs group' comment 😭😭😭

ExcusesExcuses · 27/05/2022 14:47

Yup, secondary us a whole different ballgame. DS1 has ASD. No real friends at primary, constantly picked on. Took a while to settle at secondary, but now in Y10 and thriving. More kids at secondary so more kids like him. Now has a tight knit bunch of close mates who all are on the same wavelength. She will find her tribe for sure x

Original poster

EluneBePraised · 27/05/2022 14:53

Thanks for your responses. Exactly as you say @HerbErtlinger DD is very much on the edges of the social groups - people like her, but not enough to invite for their birthday, out after school etc. I worry in a way that secondary will be worse but I'm a born worrier and have a big fear of the unknown.

OP posts:

EeeByeGummieBear · 27/05/2022 15:00

Another success story here. My DS struggled at primary- always on the fringes of the group, never feeling like he fitted in (in KS2, KS1 wasn't as bad)
Took him a while in secondary school, but he's get a lovely set of friends now

ChicCroissant · 27/05/2022 15:02

My DD made a friend on the taster day for Secondary, and made more when she started - there's a core group of a few of them who have stuck together through the years. Also when they pick their options later on they may find like-minded friends, same if they do any activities outside school. If the school run extra-curricula activities look at those as well. I hope it goes well for her, OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 15:07

Another ADHD girl here who struggled. A little earlier (she's 11) but she changed schools and she has a Nerd Herd now. I was bursting with pride when a new girl came in and the teacher said to the year, "I need a lovely group to show Lily around, oh [DD's name] group, you'll be kind". Lily is now firmly in their friend group. They'll all kind of outsiders so it's not a power imbalance.

PeekAtYou · 27/05/2022 15:10

What size is her primary and secondary ?

Mine went from 60 kids per year (primary) to 240 kids or year (secondary) which is improved odds of finding someone more similar. While it might be difficult for her to do, joining clubs etc at secondary will hopefully lead to meeting others with similar interests.

Zippidy123 · 27/05/2022 15:14

It's definitely happened in DSs secondary school. He's thankfully never struggled with friendships but I know others in his primary school have. They've all branched off and found their people. There was one particular girl in his class who found things difficult, I was giving DS a lift home the other day and she crossed the road in front of us. I barely recognised her-she'd dyed her hair black, cut it really short and was in the thick of it with a big group of other girls. DS said she's changed her name to Theo. She looked very much included.

Original poster

EluneBePraised · 27/05/2022 15:20

@PeekAtYou there are about 120 kids in her current primary year, I'm not sure of the exact numbers for high school but I think it'll be at least 300 in S1.

OP posts:

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 27/05/2022 15:21

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 15:07

I've never heard of Nerd Herd before but I love it!
DC1 only had a few friends at primary, and her very best friend left the area. New friends didn't appear overnight, but over time she has found her gang, and we now regularly have a sitting room full of oddly dressed 15yos all comparing notes on Genshin Impact or Stranger Things or 21 pilots.

High School will have such a wide pool of people that the odds of her finding like minded folk are greater. The staff at our slightly rough round the edges, not massively high achieving school are great at encouraging the quirkier kids along to things like Book Club, Philosophy Club and the Mock Trial, which has helped friendships develop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 15:25

we now regularly have a sitting room full of oddly dressed 15yos all comparing notes on Genshin Impact or Stranger Things or 21 pilots.

That's the dream

Smallorangecat · 27/05/2022 15:36

This is very reassuring. DD1 is in year 6, NT as far as I know, but only has 2 consistent friends, both boys (from time to time she will tell me one of the girls in her class is her friend, then after a couple of weeks isn’t again), probably neither will be at the same secondary school as her (if the appeal or waiting list place works out, she will be with one but we might not know that until September). We have been telling her that there are many more kids at secondary school so more likely to be others like her who want to be friends, but I wasn’t sure it was really true.

averythinline · 27/05/2022 15:48

Secondary was better my ds after yr7 and even better after options and even better at a level but still not great but hes ok with it .

..i have to contain my worries and expectations and i think the pressure of having friends n groups is even harder on girls with ASD...
He has some he games with and a few through dungeons and dragons club at school and seems ok with that....
I'm hoping he finds his tribe at uni!! As his interests are still too niche for secondary

lljkk · 27/05/2022 15:52

I can't comment about SN . DS() who was always in trouble in primary school, didn't have SN. "Everyone knows" that SN is "just an excuse for lack of parental discipline and otherwise bad parenting" : or so the yr6 teacher & few parents told me. () same DS() who was often called polite & mature in secondary school reports.

I can only say that DC, especially the ones who were socially ostracised in primary, all did better for friends at secondary. DS() fell in with solid core of nice, shy geeky lads, DD fell in with ambitious sporty girls and the lads who admired those girls, youngest-DS had no friends at secondary until half way thru yr9: sudden huge social life, geeky quirky boy+girl group (all the others seem to have amazing houses). I sure can't predict these things.

stoneysongs · 27/05/2022 16:09

We have been telling her that there are many more kids at secondary school so more likely to be others like her who want to be friends, but I wasn’t sure it was really true.

It's really true, and from every primary that feeds into that secondary, there will be DC who are actively looking for new friends. And even the DC who aren't looking, who think they'll stay besties with their primary bestie, almost always find new people and new groups.

Bronzeturtle · 27/05/2022 16:15

my sweet little boy really struggled at the tiny infant school he went to. By year two all the boys wanted to play football and the girls wanted to play with the other girls. He wasn’t bullied, but felt lonely. He went to a massive junior school and met other boys who wanted to talk Pokémon or minecraft and make up spy games etc. so much happier! With more kids you get more chance to find some one you gel with. Hopefully secondary will be the same for your girl.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2022 16:28

What does she do outside school? Does she do any extracurricular stuff? I think that can massively help.

Namechangeforthis88 · 27/05/2022 16:36

My ADHD boy took years to build up a nice friendship group at primary and had to start again at high school as most of his pals went to a different high school. One or two bumps in road in the first year but now seems to be building up a nice group, once again slightly quirky kids, not the football and Fortnite crowd. There's more scope to explore a range of interests at high school, that helps them forge friendships outside their class.

Original poster

EluneBePraised · 27/05/2022 18:47

DD did athletics before lockdown but never got back into it. She does football once a week and wants to join Brownies but not sure if it's a bit too late for that now.
Thanks all, I've found your replies very comforting. We are planning to move house at the end of the year, quite possibly closer to the high school so will be a fresh start for us all.

OP posts:

CreateAName123 · 27/05/2022 19:16

Mine was always on the outskirts of friendship groups at primary (15 children in the class). Went to her settling in day at school and came home speaking about a girl she had made friends with. They were inseparable for yr 7 and 8 then she moved away.
I was so worried but it turned out although she has only spoken about this one girl regularly, there was another they hung out with and now they are good friends.
There's also another she has her lunch with (packed lunches and school dinners eat separately so she doesn't sit with her best friend at dinner)
And she started at an after school club and made another good friend who she spends hours on the phone gaming with.
Secondary school was a blessing for her.

OceanAtTheEnd · 27/05/2022 19:27

It's really nice to read all of the positive stories - my DS had a bumpy start at high school, but now seems to have found his tribe.

I love the term nerd herd 😄, it completely describes what DS is now part of.

Original poster

EluneBePraised · 28/05/2022 13:50

Ive loved all your success stories, it really helps to read them. DD tried this morning to contact a couple of girls about a meet up with no luck so I've really needed the positivity from this thread and am just going to look to the future for DD and not back, thank you all!

OP posts:

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