What to say/text to friend who has been bereaved?

[FallenFigs]

Work friend has just learnt friend has died, pretty suddenly.

What can I say to them? I’m fairly awkward and never know the right words in these situations.

Are there some ‘good’ words that provide a tiny bit of comfort?

If you can't think of the words to say, just write that. "I'm sorry that I don't have the right words to say, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you."

I have already said that I’m sorry but I think I’d like to follow it up with a message later. It was a bit awkward due to open office etc.

there’s a lot of ‘i’ in that sentence tho?

contract it to ‘I head your news and I’m thinking of you’. My Irish relatives had a useful, all purpose on: ‘sorry for your trouble’.

I already heard the news tho, they told me before they went.

actually I think I’m worried that I said a few flippant things out of nerves and maybe I’m feeling an urge to atone for that. I gabbled a bit to fill the silence. They are going on holiday and I said ‘I hope you have a good break’ by which I meant, some time to process. But that sounded very wrong, of course they won’t have a good break.

but of course they wouldn’t be thinking about what I said. They’re thinking about their friend and their loss.

I have some friends who are so very good at knowing what to say and especially what to write in a way that is just so very empathetic.

In these situations you can't really say the wrong thing. The main thing is you reached out to let him know you're thinking of him. I can only remember the people who sent cards or messaged, I cant really remember exactly what was said.

A follow up text in a few days would be much appreciated 'Still thinking of you, always here if you need to chat, take care xx'

I'm so sorry to hear your news. My condolences

Thinking of you, here if you want to talk

Thinking of you in such trying times

Thanks @Playplayaway

They’re a work friend and it’s a work phone so I’ll take off the xx 😀

Anxiety is making me overthink this. Given we had a conversation about it earlier, I think I’ll just message later and say. Thinking of you. Hope the walk helped a little. Look after yourself.

too positive/upbeat/hoping for a fix?

they have plenty of family/friends/support so I’ll omit the offer of talking - it’s maybe a bit over-familiar in our dynamic.

Just don't say "at least s/he was baptised" (so they can get into Heaven).

A sincere message of condolences, or even something like "I'm sorry to hear about your sad news. Thinking of you x" would work well. I'd still put the 'x' on the end if they're a close work friend

That's a lovely thing to say. Not crossing any lines, but supportive and respectful

Your last suggestion is pretty much perfect. My dad died very suddenly recently & tbh what hurt more than mildly inappropriate/awkward comments (which actually didn't bother me at all, because I never know what to say either!) were the people who knew but didn't get in touch. Your friend is probably a little bit overwhelmed, but she will appreciate knowing that you care.

Thanks, I’ll go with the one I typed.

They’re definitely shocked. But it’s important to me that I don’t cross any lines either.

I don't think I took any notice at all of any messages I may have received from people at work when my mother died. I remember a few things from when she was in hospital ( the same one I work in). The kindness of a senior member of the nursing staff when I told him what ward she was on, and of one of the consultants who took the time to talk to me (I had worked with him in the past) but I don't remember anything from my own team. I expect there were messages but I didn't pay any attention to them at the time. Actions speak louder than words in my opinion - I was sent a lovely bouquet of flowers by my team and, when I eventually went back to work my boss asked me whether I would, or would not, want it mentioned to me by my colleagues and I said no - if I felt like talking about it I would bring it up myself. So - you have sent the message now. Don't beat yourself up about it. When she comes back follow her lead with regard to what she needs and try to be aware of whether she needs help in any way. Sometimes just knowing that someone will cover for you if you get overwhelmed and need to go and have a cry is all you need.

This is a lovely message

Thanks all. Message sorted.

@DilemmaDelilah many of the things you said resonates from when my Dad died. One friend left a cake on my doorstep with a simple note. A really lovely gesture.

and certainly if this person was grieving a family member then I’d be considering something different.

As it is, they’ve lost a friend and I’m happy that I’ve got the right tone now. Im not finishing it by any stretch, but I think my message is proportional.

thanks again all.

diminishing, not finishing.

Although, this person was relatively young.
It feels like a lot of this is happening at the moment and a lot of sadness in the news too.