Dealing with DS relationship with his father

[JurassicSquid]

I split with my husband earlier this year. It was an abusive relationship that should I have left much sooner, but I am glad to be out now and I am rebuilding our lives. He was not a particularly great dad, did very little to help and would get angry with DS and me for minor things. DS would say to me daddy is angry, daddy is mean etc which led to me finally leaving.

Now we have split up and he only has to see DS one day on the weekend (not overnight) and maybe a couple of hours twice a week during the week, he is the most fun, wonderful, loving dad you could imagine. He has plenty of money to throw at activities to do with DS and DS thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread. Now, I know this is far better for him and to see DS happy makes me happy.

But, I feel so bitter. He does not parent him, he babysits him. He never has to do any of the hard parts of parenting, just the fun stuff that I don’t necessarily have the time or money to do. And DS is always saying he wants to see his dad etc. It hurts. How do you stop yourself from taking it personally? I know it isn’t personal, and thankfully he is too young to really understand what has happened in the past. But it just feels like a kick to the stomach when I have brought him up and do all the hard parts, and I have to hear how great his dad is. I’m not sure what I’m asking really. I guess just reassurance that it’s normal to feel like this?

You are doing a great job with your boy and in time he will know who raised him and who he can really rely on. It’s hard now but play the long game - the bond you two will have will be testament to the work you are putting in.
I hope you have friends or family to support you because this stage is tough going. It will pay off though 🌻

No advice but I'm about to be in the same situation. My ex struggles to cope with DD for long alone and I'm forever stepping in to pick up the pieces or intervene before he loses his temper and I know that once the pressure of 'having' to be with her and deal with her is gone he'll just pop along full of smiles and she'll never see hjs vile abusive side, whilst I struggle on doing all the parenting. I'm very glad she will be protected from his behaviour but also feel like he's got all the nice bits of parenting. He's won again. Maybe its that a bit? If your ex was someone who always had to be right and come out on top, and always managed to hide their behaviour from others.

Thank you @Greatoutdoors i do have great friends and family thankfully and they’ve said the same, that DS will know when he’s older than mummy was the one who was always there. It’s just hard hearing it now when it all still feels very raw.

@BreakinbadBreakineven I’m sorry to hear that you will be in the same situation. But I’m also glad to hear you have managed to get yourself out of that kind of relationship as it’s so hard. Yes, I think that’s right. He’s come out of this with everything he wants while I pick up the pieces. Gets to call himself dad, show off that he’s a great dad, all off the back of less than 12 hours a week of looking after DS. As @Greatoutdoors has said, I think once your DD is older she will see him for what he really is

Hang in there. 15 years ago I was in your shoes. Everyone said the same to me but it was hard to believe, when I was second fiddle. My lad is 20 now, and our time has come. It’s lovely 🥰

I'd echo what other posters have said - play the long game.

It's easy to be the cool parent when you don't actually do any parenting.....

The thing is when your child really needs a parent it will be you he turns to, because he trusts you, knows you have their back and fundamentally understands them as a person.

Remember "gifts" to your child are not always "things". They are the cuddles/kisses after a nightmare, the time spent helping with a tough piece of homework, the conversations when they are anxious about something etc and these are far more precious in the long run than a new pair of trainers they won't remember next year or a trip to a theme park.

You are "giving" your child so much more than you realise and frankly more than he consciously does right now, but subconsciously he knows who puts him first and will always be there for him - and in the not so distant in the future he'll be fully aware of this