Please help me work through my feelings about myself and work etc?

[Harridan1981]

I’m getting myself in a muddle and I think it just the same old story that I’ve always felt.

Potted history, I’m quite bright, but diagnosed adhd (the inattentive variety) in the last year. So classic underachiever. I am very good at interviews so have got some great jobs in the past before kids, then the inattentive part kicks in and I just can’t keep it up and I end up slowly losing control and blagging it. I’ve moved on from jobs quickly.

Had the best part of a decade out raising 3 kids, before becoming a ta (one of my previous identities was a teacher, but I don’t have the authority to do this properly). I loved various parts of that job, but was roped into covering ppa in the afternoons which I found hugely stressful so after 2 years I left. I recently started an office based role in a local high school.

This is full time, but the issue is that it could really be half time and that could be enough. I do tend to work quite fast, but I find that I am finished by lunchtime and there isn’t much scope to do more in the afternoon. I’m getting bored and disenchanted, and have been feeling quite emotional about it as I don’t know what to do.

I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything that really uses my degrees, my attention span and focus just isn’t there, I fuck it up and it ends up really stressful. I’ve spent years telling myself I am just lazy, but I think it is more than that. So I keep seeing job titles and specs for interesting, involved, responsible roles but have to be realistic.

My husband has offered me a job working for our family business, which would give me a lot more flexibility and variety, but I’m scared of leaving another job (am shit at any conversations that may have an ‘edge’, so handing in notices etc) and of putting all our financial eggs in one basket.

But it would also allow more time to be in the house, keeping on top of other stuff (half finished extension etc, large garden, kids).

I’m just feeling pretty shoddy about myself, and wanted to talk it through with strangers.

I recognise a lot of what you say. (Also have adhd). Boredom and being underutilised definitely doesn't work for me... I'm at my my best when I'm busy but not overwhelmed. I don't cope that well with unstructured time where I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing because I just do fuck all and then berate myself for being lazy. On the other hand, I don't cope week with overwhelm because it makes me just shut down entirely. The key for me is to find that sweet spot between having just enough pressure to keep me focused and having enough time to stay on top of stuff and feel that I'm achieving. It's a work in progress.

Think about the things that you're really good at in work. You say that you're good at interviews, so I'm guessing that means that you have good people skills and that you're great at reacting in the moment/ thinking on your feet. Maybe you cope less well with the work than requires longer term discipline and lots of planning ahead. What kind of work can you do that really plays to your strengths and the stuff that you enjoy? Are you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole by doing office type jobs when something else might suit you better?

Do you want to work for the family business? What if you lose focus/interest in that role? What impact will it have on your relationships and on the business? Do you want to be financially dependent on the family business? Is there a risk that it could go belly up and you would be left without any source of income at all?

It doesn't sound like there is anything "wrong" with you, simply that you haven't yet found what you want to be when you grow up. Time to do some thinking, I reckon, about what you're really good at and what you really enjoy. I know that focus is a problem, but I bet there are times when you get into a state of flow... what tasks/activities help you to create that state? What type of work creates that feeling when everything seems to happen easily and everything flows very naturally? If you can identify that, it will give you a good indication of the direction that you might want to take.

I can empathise here.

I'm similar.
I have a maths degree and am officially "office manager" but a lot of it is admin. I don't sit there bored at work, however I suspect if I go they're going to find anyone taking on the job is going to be overwhelmed because I have worked things out over the last couple of years so I know what I'm doing and can do it quickly.

I could have gone and tried to find something that uses my degree, (other than occasionally winding up the men at work by befuzzling them with maths ) but there are lots of things I love about the job. The personal element, the flexibility, that it is something I can do. I have issues with a prat at work and I do think sometimes longingly of moving, but I've worked out that the chances are they'll go before me, and that will irritate them far more .

I think the things for me I'd look at are:
Will working with your dh all the time drive you loopy? I think me and dh are far apart enough in working we'd each find each other's way of working irritating. (I'm right btw)
Do you value your time away from the house and with other people?
What if it doesn't work out, will it effect your relationship?
Will you end up not really doing anything more interesting?
Will you end up getting lumbered with what your dh doesn't want to do?

I don't know, which is part of the problem. I've never had the clarity or conviction of something, of wanting to do something enough to work hard at it. I don't really know who I am.

The job would be interesting, and not physically with dh as he would be out doing the jobs themselves.

I do like going out and seeing people though, which is part of the issue with this job as I am currently sat in a little office by myself. Which I thought I would love, but actually I find really hard once the work is done

Thank you both for replying btw 🙂