I've just had my DD's EHCP annual review earlier this week and some of the points raised have left me feeling a bit floundering.
For contect her SEN is diagnosed ASD, presenting mostly in lack of social awareness/skills from others and her peers. Acadamically she sits not fantastically but she's progressing well at her level. She's very much a loner, only really had one friend and that was last year but that fizzled out quickly as a lot of them do in Year8, has no social media. Is not on Instagram/TikTok/ - does watch a fair bit of YouTube though, plays on Roblox as well a bit. Her phone has limited access though as does her laptop so I do know what she is accessing. Does have WhatsApp but only uses it to message me and her father, no one else in her phone book except family.
Staff asked for me to come in for the review and my DD would be present for the last half of it as they wanted to raise some concerns without her there.
First was it had been noted on a few occassions that DD is fidgeting with her knickers a lot, staff had noticed before and mentioned to her to not do it but it seems she is doing it more often now and her peers are noticing.
It has been a nightmare trying to get underwear sorted for her, it has been this way since she was 4, at one point I was sending her to school with short loose fitting shorts I had made myself (I sew) under her school uniform dress to stop her from fishing them out all the time. She claims they feel 'Too tight'. She will be constantly just grabbing almost a small handful of fabric from her crotch and tug on it, she'll do this as well even if not wearing knickers and wearing loose fitting PJ bottoms for instance. We've gone through so many pairs of knickers and different types of underwear over the years I was near tears with frustration regarding this. Any mention of this to her, gets her defensive and then she turns on herself using the most horrible language that no parent wants to hear. :(
Second issue is she's a soap dodger. Puts up a real attitude regarding being asked to have a shower at least every two days, I insist it should be daily minimum but I keep being told 'Pick your battles.' by family and my DH (her father) he claims he can't smell her but others and myself definitely can, it's BO and additionally more recently an unpleasant one when she is on her period. I check verbally each morning with her 'Put deodorant on?' always told 'Yes' but gets defensive if pursued further. Now she's started with her periods as well, she wears period pants, I'm finding she's picking at these more than what she was with her normal pants, won't wear pads flat refuses too. Doing the washing the other week, there seemed a shortage of the pants that were in the wash and I went to check, turns out she had been wearing them for at least another day or two past when they were supposed to be changed, and as a result when she got them out from where she had been storing them - they smelt very bad. So everything went on a hot wash and again we had a chat with me emphasising when you're on your period you need to shower each day, standard. She was very defensive and shut down. I had attempted this conversation in a very light manner anyway but the shutters came down quite quickly.
Other than being the nagging mother all the time, I don't know what else to do. Her personal appearance I have tried to not mention too much on as I get told I'm criticising too much, but at the same time I won't have her to go school looking unkept! I'm not joking when I say I have to remind her to just even brush her shoulder length hair, that's the minimum we are talking about. It becomes another fight for me even to suggest putting it in a pony tail. When she leaves in the morning, she looks tidy and presentable but comes home looking like she has been rolling around in the undergrowth. I had kind of hoped this would change when/if she became interested in boys/girls - but nope.
Her uniform is clean, she has 7 white shirts, 4 jumpers and 5 sets of trousers (won't wear a skirt) these go in the wash each week and only the jumper might get worn over two days.
She keeps to herself as she is one of the youngest in her year and she has limited social skills, the fact she now has the label of 'Smelly' attached to her (she's been bullied in the past as well) I can just see it being more miserable for her at school. But her self care and hygiene is something that needs to change now.
I had thought of taking her to Boots or similar to see what body scents she likes to maybe start to use that every so often? I don't wear perfume myself but I'll start to role model a lot more of the desired behaviours myself if I need too.
Has anyone any other tips or been in a similar situation at all? I've tried to reframe conversations in a light way or find another way to start it but as soon as there is any mention of soap or cleanliness she won't engage with me any further. I'm nearly at my wits end her and it's almost like she has no self pride in how she looks, she has even said herself 'I don't care how I look, it's other people's problem not mine.'
I'm not looking for perfect makeup and Intsagram worthy but minimum standards of not looking permascruffy!