So frumpy at 40, lost my way... Style advice please

[Reinventingat40]

Turned 40 last month... Had a huge fight with DH last night & he called me frumpy... He's right...
Currently I live in primark (cheap & easy to buy)
Hair always in a bun
I've lost alot of muscle tone, I'm around a size 12, very unfit, can't afford the gym
My posture has become very bad recently, I'm always slouching, very noticible in pjotos6
I love that posh polished style like Kate Middleton & like her off duty clothes.
I'm so lost I don't know where to begin but want to reinvent myself & stop looking so scruffy.
On a positve note my skin is very good & noone can believe I'm 40!

Tell us about your DH… looks, fitness, clothing choices…

Yep, problem here is the husband. We all have rows, but insults based on personal appearance are never acceptable.

Your husband sounds like a twat. Using your appearance to insult you in an argument.

I know, I'm upset but he's right I have lost my way alot & need to improve myself for me not for him.. He's generally great but we had a massive row & he said I'm not the woman he married I make no effort with myself & I'm frumpy & unfit.. I can start another thread on him but as my username says I just want to reinvent myself & find my way again...

Whilst I agree with others your husband shouldn't have said this. That doesn't help you now. If you want to sort your "frumpieness" out only you can do it. You have pointed out your problem areas by your own admission so start working your way through them. Stand tall, start a diet and exercise plan and stick to it (highly recommend the fast 800!) and when your at a figure your happy with go and treat yourself to some non primark clothes!!

If you're doing it for yourself, great, of you're doing it for him... No. No. No.

First step, style and beauty boards on here.
Second step, have a wander into town and looknin shops.. and and what others are wearing to get some outfit ideas..
Third step, dump dickhead.. 😜

Have you tried Pilates? Great for posture and loads free on YouTube.

Do you walk much?

Would you want to try different types of clothes? Hit up asos when they have a sale and order a load of different styles and have a try on session at home.

A hair cut can make a huge difference- find a good hairdresser (think of it as an investment in yourself) and be prepared to change and update its style.

Thanks for the replies🥰 yes doing it for me, I knew I needed to do it all along but his comments last night are the catalyst..
I do walk but not as much as I should but I'm going to make it my business to start again..
I did 40 sit ups this morning & a 10 min pilates on YouTube.. I'm a sahm so no excuses.
Thanks for the kindness mumsnetters x

I'm a decade older than you and am now toned due to Pilates and Yoga ( vinyasa flow which can involve bodyweight exercise, so not just stretching).

Not sure I can help with stylish clothing! Though I think I do look better when I wear colours that suit me. I did an online thing and found out which those were, and I choose them now even if they are not in fashion.

Thanks hoping the yoga &, pilates videos will help, can't afford the gym or classed unfortunately

He’s not right. If you care for someone you don’t speak to them like that. My husband gained weight and I would never in a million years have spoken to him like that even in anger.

I agree with Pilates and yoga. Use something as small weights as well.
I like Adrianne ( there is a thread on Mumsnet about her) for Yoga.
I take classes for Pilates so can't help with that but sounds like you have found something.

Also agree with a good haircut.

But your DH doesn't sound nice or supportive at all.

Well I think the first way to reinvent yourself is to get rid of the hurtful asshole you are married to! You will soon find your way again then. He has no right to speak to you like that

I've felt the same today OP. I'm 31. No idea what suits me and also need to be able to pop a tit out to feed DS. Hate my body post baby number 2. Doesn't help that the only places to shop locally are supermarkets. Feeling very sorry for myself at the moment.

Hmm. My obese, scruffy ex said similar to me.

It sounds like you like your DP more than I liked mine.

I've lost a stone in the last year - walking (get a cheap smart watch). Dumbbells and kettlebells at home (£30 of Amazon), free YouTube weights and body weights routines. It's surprisingly easy to fit a couple of 20 minute routines into your day.

But do it for yourself, not anyone else.

Loads of over 40 instagrammers. Search for hashtags like “over40style” . You will find people you chime with / similar body shape etc

exercuse, loads of people on YouTube, I love CDornerfitness as she is a 40 something woman with a n ordinary (fit) body not all rippling muscles which I find off putting

And a good haircut/ colour is truly transformative and can really work wonders on your confidence

I love that posh polished style like Kate Middleton & like her off duty clothes.

I think she always looks overdone and so much older than her years.

OP, I have news for you. You aren’t getting any younger. Nor is your partner. If your partner’s ability to treat you with kindness and respect is contingent on you meeting his standards of youthful appearance you are in for misery jo matter how many haircuts you have.

The replies are very much appreciated, have got great advice over on style & beauty too x

You want to look like Kate Middleclass? Why? You're only 40.

Have a good look at your husband, is he making the most of his appearance? Is he the same shape as he was?

If the answer is no, then work on it together. Both of you make some goals and exercise and shop together to improve things. If he's got great style and fitness, then ask for his support to enable you to spend more time on yourself if it will make you feel better.

I would start with a good pair of jeans, a good tshirt (I mean in a nice classic cut and made of, say, linen) and a nice smart pair of trainers (a trendy-ish pair of white ones from Clarks). It's a good way to dip a toe in to looking more put together.

Also, I used to be useless with fashion, but am getting better. What I've done before is go into a clothes shop, find a display mannequin wearing an outfit that I like and then buy the whole outfit (dress, accessories, jacket, boots). It's a crisis move for people who don't know where to start!