I need to stop spending money - help!

[ConfessionsOfAShopper]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been on MN for ages, but changed my name for this one just in case anyone spotted me. I am a little embarrassed.

Basically I have a problem - I have been spending way too much money. On things I don’t need but want and I feel like I cannot say no.

It’s clothes, make up, perfume, books, expensive candles, shower gels, plants…anything. I always feel like I ‘need’ something new. It makes me happy temporarily and then I just don’t care about it anymore.

I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression recently, which I am receiving treatment for and feeling much better in myself. But I have had some pretty big/stressful things going on in life recently and the compulsion to spend to make myself feel better is getting worse.

I grew up with not a lot and I had to work from the age of 12 to pay for anything I needed/wanted, including tampons etc. I was always scared I’d run out of money and wouldn’t be able to buy the stuff I needed. I think this is where it stems from. I’m always scared I’ll run out of XYZ so buy more…& more.

I have been (especially for the past two years) incredibly lucky that I have had no real struggles in my adult life with money, but I don’t have anything to show for it. I am 29 so hoping I have some time to turn that around.

Long story short, I really need to stop. And this time for good. I tell myself I won’t shop for 3 months and then I’m back on my iPad looking at websites for crap I don’t need of that evening.

The next 6-12 months is going to be tough and I need to adjust to not spending money. I have a massive life change coming up that will require me to save as much as I can, plus the cost of living increasing is going to continue to hit. I can’t keep going as I have done, as I am going to get in trouble.

So my questions are -

Has anyone else been through similar? How did you get out of this mindset? Are there good podcasts/resources around that anyone could suggest I look at for a bit of self help?

(I am in talking to a therapist about this too as part of my treatment)

And

What practical things can I do? I spend a lot of money on clothes (doesn’t help I work in the luxury fashion industry), make up, products etc as well as food. I know it’s probably as simple as meal prepping better, buying cheaper products that probably work the same as the more expensive but any practical tips and tricks you could share would be fab (as well as any cheap, good products to replace mine with when they run out).

Thanks for reading!

Personally, using a budgeting app (YNAB) has been an eye opener for me.

Our household income seems enormous when I first entered it into the app - but once I'd properly listed out all the things it needs to cover and then started allocating pots to each area, it really really made me look at every tenner in a different light.

I'd normally impulse buy anything I thought we needed and just airily 'take it out of the savings' but now I really think and make sure I have enough allocated before I buy anything big or small.

Plus you can then realistically show exactly how much you're spending (wasting) on luxury goods and shame yourself into cutting back.

I check the app at least once a day - it feeds from all our accounts and credit cards so any transactions appear ready to be allocated against pots.

We're saving a fortune.

Can you switch to buying or acquiring second hand?
so a Saturday trip to the library to browse nice books instead of the book shop. A trip round the charity shops, preferably plan a route that involves quite a bit of walking to take the time up. Check freecycle and freegle for free stuff.
make some candles instead of buying them. Yes you buy something’s but before you buy research what you need and then making takes time.
leep an eye out for jumbles sale and clothing exchanges. You may have to broaden your area slightly
it’s better to search in person as it gives the same buzz and fills the same time as shopping. Online shopping on eBay and Vinted for second hand can get expensive as it easy. Both are great for selling on so you could sell stuff.
once you get going with the second hand/not spending it becomes as much of an issue as the original problem!

Can you set yourself a budget that you can spend on treats? Maybe that would help you limit how much you spend on non-essentials?

I started thinking about what the money was worth in other ways eg that's the equivalent to a tank of petrol, to a weeks food shopping, boring essential things and it helped get what I might waste into perspective.

Are you buying on line or in person?

Online- cancel PayPal and delete all saved cards. That way you cant just click -you need to get a physical card out.

In person start using cash and dont take a card out with you .

Add any websites you use to your blocked list on phone and laptop. You can override it but intakes time and breaks a habit.

Thanks all!

I’ll have a look at that app - it sounds good to me.

I have apps for vintage clothing too - but still doesn’t stop the spending 😭

Basically, I need to stop spending. I think my allocated budget for treats would literally be £30 a month!

Dave Ramsey - look up his baby step videos on YouTube

Ah, this is me. My particular weakness is luxury makeup!

Things that have helped:

• Having a set budget per month for fun spends.

• Setting up a separate account for utilities, food shopping, essential bills etc and paying into it from my salary as soon as I get paid. It also covers annual bills (like my insurance) - I worked out how much to budget for everything for the year and divided by 12, that's how much I pay in every month (plus a bit extra).

• whenever I feel like buying something I add it to my "wishlist" which is a list of items on my tablet. If I don't have the money it has to stay on my wishlist until I get paid! It also means I have to prioritise and only pick the things I really want.

• Look up dopamine release.... that's what your body is seeking. It's like a quick hit of pleasure. Find other (cheap) ways to get that!

Hi op

ive been in a similar situation and now I’m having to deal with the consequences in a way!!

dh and I had one pot of money all income went in and bills and fun money came out of that one pot

well I had no off switch each payday a new dress shoes bits for the house saying yes to every get together- I figured I work hard and earn a decent wage treat myself!!!

then I started to use credit accounts like very and but things with PayPal credit - it was like the money wasn’t coming out of my bank account so didn’t exist!

then dh started saying why have we no money etc and when we went through the statements it was an eye opener- him as much as me on his hobby

we ended up al income goes into one account for bills and savings and we each get a sum of fun money but from that fun money I’m paying back my very credit PayPal etc

it doesn’t help your in an industry that expects certain standards we have friends who work on luxury fashion industry and they feel they have a certain image to maintain even if it’s costing their salary and more to do so

give yourself some fun money
start to think about how good it’ll feel if any debts you have will be paid off and then more fun money!
I have been selling on eBay but sometimes fees are a joke try vinted

try a no spend week- 2 weeks - month see how far you can go not buying something new

challenge yourself to rewear outfits in a different style

good luck and your not alone!

Both DH and I used to have a bit of a habit of buying things on a whim. It wasn’t stuff that was really expensive, just an ‘oh, I could do with these earrings’ or ‘this plant pot would be nice’. We decided to do a no-spend month this year where we didn’t buy anything apart from food, petrol etc and it was a real eye-opener.

Do you think you could try a no-spend week/month as a start?

You could do a using stuff up challenge with makeup and beauty stuff?
Use one eyeshadow palette for a month and no others type of thing
I'm similar but I tend to bargain hunt and buy in sales

Get off mumsnet and frequent moneysavingexpert instead!

listen to Dave Ramsey's podcast

try ynab

good luck!

A lot of these are excellent tips, but they are all approaching this problem as a practical one. I read it (particularly with your history of anxiety/depression) as being a form of addictive behaviour. It’s a classic one. You are seeking those hits of dopamine, but quickly get withdrawn and need it again. You could buy second hand and try and get those hits cheaper but in all honesty, I don’t think it would work long term. It would make the more expensive things all the more desirable.

I was in a similar situation with another bad habit last year (and at that point hadn’t even realised I was suffering from anxiety) and I read this book “The Craving Mind: From Cigarettes to Smartphones to Love - why We Get Hooked and how We Can Break Bad Habits”. It was a TOTAL game changer. Spoiler alert… the solution is meditation/mindfulness, but when you read why it works, it is much easier to get on board with (well was for me anyway. I’d never been able to meditate before). Dr Rangan Chatterjee does a great podcast episode with Anna Lembke who also goes over similar ground in explaining how the human brain is wired to seek out these habits, particularly when under stress. It is amazing how once you understand the brain mechanisms at work, it is so much easier to break these habits.

You have (may I respectfully suggest) fallen for the fallacy that acquiring stuff will make you happy. It won't and doesn't-not for long, anyway. How about instead getting into a hobby/craft which will give genuine satisfaction? (painting, woodwork, needlecraft etc.) It will give you hours of absorbing activity which need not cost a fortune and you get something to show for it-and all the time spent doing it will be time you are online buying crap you dont need, or even want, probably.

and all the time spent doing it will be time you are not online buying crap you dont need, or even want, probably. Doh!

I have wanted to write a similar post because I have the same problem. I have been worried as I didn't want to come across as tone deaf given the struggles some are having. I actually have money to spend and some savings but I fritter so much away.
I had a lovely but poor childhood and couldn't ever have new stuff. Since I started earning money I just can't resist buying crap.
What I have done for now is bought (ha) a cash wallet and allocated myself different amounts for fuel, coffees, groceries and entertainment.
Next payday I am going to transfer 400 over to my Chase bank card and use that for spending.
Then, the day before next payday I will see what's left and go fun shopping.
I didn't stick to my budget last week but I didn't go over by much and I definitely spent much less overall.

I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as just better budgeting/trying to spend less. It’s going to take a different mindset.

For me, realising that it wasn’t “stuff” that made me happy was a big turning point, and also embracing a more minimalist lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got 2 DC, we really wouldn’t be described as minimalists by anyone who visited our home. A few years ago though we did a huge declutter and it was honestly life changing. Life is so much easier without so much stuff. Easier to keep the place clean and tidy, easier to be organised. Then after all the hard work I just didn’t want to clutter the house up again. I buy what I need, think about things for a few days before spur of the moment purchases, and do ‘one in, one out”. Read Marie Kondo, watch the Minimalists on Netflix, try different decluttering/minimalism videos on YouTube.

Both DH and I are now savers rather than spenders, but we also have more disposable income to spend on experiences, good food, holidays etc now that we aren’t just frittering it all on shite. We are far happier.

Work on changing your mindset about things and what makes you happy, and the financial side of it will fall into place.

@dropthevipers funny you should mention hobbies.

I feel like I haven’t really got one anymore.

I’ve been telling my DP for ages that I have wanted to start making jewellery (that’s another thing I adore buying) so 2 weeks ago I ordered a little starter kit & it’s arriving tomorrow!

I can’t wait and I hope it’ll keep me occupied of an evening. I have been designing these pieces in advance so also hoping to sell a few. But we shall see…at least hopefully it’ll stop me shopping and I’ll get the dopamine hit from making beautiful things!

Do you buy clothes new? Maybe you could wean yourself off by buying second hand treats instead. Vinted is so cheap! I have a rule that I have to sell an item before I buy a new one, so I don’t actually spend, it’s more of a swap but still fun.

Unsubscribing from emails helps. Less temptation.

I’m not in the UK but we have the equivalent of what you call Premium Bonds. I used to get a little buzz from “buying” those. I considered it as saving, with the added bonus of potentially winning money.

I have 100 hangers, everything except underwear. Sleepwear, swimwear and gym wear hangs

1 in and 1 out. So to buy something I gave to get rid of something. Focused the mind

I am lucky enough to make a living (i'm never going to get rich, but, hey ho) designing and making bespoke furniture-trust me, the buzz from seeing something real that you conceived and actually made with your own fair hands is priceless. You absolutely wont regret this.

I've instilled just one rule. Do not buy anything until you have used the rest up.

I've realised I've got years worth of consumables such as shampoos, body lotions, birthday cards, stationery, flour, cleaning products, tea towels etc.
I now have little 'shops' in cupboards. So bathroom cabinet full of full sized lotions and potions, a cupboard of light bulbs, a box of pens and post it notes etc. When I have used the last of anything, I just go to the various stashes. When I do need to go and buy something, it's an absolute pleasure, and I choose better too knowing I'm going to have to use it up before I get another. It's actually stemmed from the beauty hoarders thread on here.

Clothes wise I began during lockdown operating a 2-3 items out for every one purchased. Sold a lot on eBay and donated the rest. Now with most things I'm one in one out but I have 10 years worth of socks.

I'm not perfect at it but I've stopped impulse buying. I've also started to save for a fancy holiday so that has motivated me too. Plus I'm looking forward to a less cluttered house

Saved a fortune.

I understand what you have written op. At first, it was food. I didn't realise just how much junk food I was eating by way of comfort eating. I've managed to turn it around a bit - still a way to go but I have really made strides in this area with the help of therapy and have managed to become a healthier weight.

I also like to buy 'things' but now only really buy from charity shops/second hand books shops (including things like magazines for a fraction of original cost). I also plan to sell some of the stuff I've acquired. I'm not really in to high end fashion/makeup, I think it is the thrill of finding something is where I get my 'hit'. I've also planted things from seeds by way of new plants and generally adopted a thrifty lifestyle (as much as practically possible).

I've had to work through a lot of issues and have ongoing issues that are going to take some time to resolve so I'm gentle with myself and fortunately don't spend money I don't have.

On-line shopping doesn't help. I've been recuperating from flu and nearly bought some clothes I really didn't need - fortunately, I was able to catch myself in time - this is probably because I haven't been able to get out charity shopping etc. so not getting the 'hit'.

Gently, I'm going to try and introduce other things into my life such as volunteering which I'm hoping will give me a different outlet/focus. I could do with some more therapy and it would probably be affordable if I didn't keep spending so in a bit of a loop.

You have my sympathy op, it is tough to crack. Watching your thread with interest.

A gentle suggestion that when you are buying something you are accessing a feeling from the past. See if you can sense when that feeling was, which incident. We do lots of things because we activate a feeling from a previous incident, but it's only a problem if it negatively affects you. When you glimpse them memory, take it to your therapist, or write it down. The more you can recall it and process it, the more likely you are to burn off the emotional charge and stop the compulsion. Once the memory is processed you can buy more things but you won't get that thrill.