Is my MIL just forgetful or...?

[kidneybeans4u]

She is from China, helps us with the kids, live for extended periods each time, but my god her habits are infuriating and I feel like I repeat myself every single week. I am at my wit's end and need to rant / get sound advice because I dont want to keep burdening my SO with my problems.

1. She puts clothes to dry on radiators, on the back of chairs, on bannisters, on door handles (?!). I tell her not to and to instead use our laundry room, she agrees, then it happens again. And again.

1. She shouts across rooms. We tell her not to because it feels like a marketplace. She agrees. Then it happens again.

1. She puts too much salt in cooking for our little one. We explain the dangers. She understands. Then it happens again.

My SO is helpful and fully on my side, but is my MIL simply forgetful (she always say sorry her memory is so bad nowadays), is she just culturally used to a different way?

Or are you just being rude about a MIL who is trying to help?

First of all, may I ask if your MiL speaks fluent English? I am learning another language (European) and we often structure our sentences very differently to them. I could say something and they could very easily think I was saying almost the opposite - for one thing, they love double negatives - or that I was asking a question when I am not! Or maybe your SO does all the translating?

Now, may I speak as a woman in my 60's, who is becoming more and more forgetful, and also getting more stuck in my ways than I used to be - which I strongly try to fight. I have never had a laundry room (and to be honest I am quite jealous about that 😂), so does it have drying rails as well as a tumble dryer? If it only has a tumbledryer your MiL might be trying to save you the cost of tumble drying, and maybe help the planet a bit too? If like me, until relatively recently, she does not have a tumble dryer at home, or any where to put indoor hanging rails, then she may do what I used to have to do with 2 adults in the house and several children, which was to put the clothes on radiators, and when I had run out of them, I would also use the back of kitchen or dining room chairs!

So to summarise, I think it is probably one of three things, or maybe even a mix of them:

a) She hasn't understood properly.

b) She forgets

c) She does it differently at home, so it is ingrained in her mind, and she probably thinks she is doing you a favour!

If it is the latter, and you do use a tumbledryer, then I am inclined to agree with her - sorry! A slightly untidy house on washdays, versus saving money and helping the planet seems like a good call to me.

When it comes to her shouting across rooms, I don't like it either, but from TV news items I have seen over the years, Asian people do seem to shout quite a lot (I absolutely hate generalising things, so please don't be too hard on me for doing so here), so I think you should just cringe inwardly, and not get your SO to keep telling her off.

I don't think you should expect her to be able to change her culture periodically either, just so that she doesn't embarrass you - if you ever go to China I am sure you will do or say quite a few things thst are awkward or embarrassing for her, but she would probably be too polite to mention them.

Now, when it comes to adding salt to the cooking, that is a matter of safety, which overrides any cultural or politeness issues in my mind, although obviously the demand for no salt must be done as politely as possible. If your MiL can't stick to that one, then she must not cook for the children - presuming they are not teenagers, who will almost certainly get themselves far too many salty snacks, for her occasional meals to do too much extra harm!

I presume nobody on here can actually answer your question OP, but I do think that you need to be much more grateful to your MiL, by which I mean, 'relax', stop worrying so much about having a spotless and completely tidy house, a happy and relaxed household is much more important, and I truly believe that once you can let this go, not only will your MiLfeel much more welcome, and your SO and children feel more relaxed and happy, but you will learn to feel more relaxed and happy too.

What do you mean "She's from China" you mean she's Chinese?
Anyway apart from the salt thing (even then she's cooking for you) she sounds lovely.
Please send her my way thanks.

These all seem like relatively minor annoyances. If she is good in other ways, I'd count your blessings. Many would love to have a MIL who wants to be involved with the children and willing to help around the house.

My dm had a dil like you OP.
My dm is just not a practical person and also lacks social graces. She is a product of a very rough childhood.
My sil would constantly reprimand my dm and my dm would be very upset but never defend herself.
You need to look for the good points in your mil.
She is your partners mother. Don’t treat her like the hired help.
if you don’t like the way she does something then do it yourself.
Other than the salt in the food it’s just minor irritations really.

It's the way she's done things all her life. You can't expect her to suddenly change all this stuff and remember to every time.

If you don't like how much salt she puts in, cook for your own child. If you don't like the way she hangs things, do your own bloody washing. Have you employed her as a housekeeper or something?

You're annoyed that she shouts across rooms and it 'feels like a marketplace'? You sound like a nightmare. How about being grateful that she helps with your kids.

MIL is probably on Chinese mn equivalent saying what a PITA you are @kidneybeans4u

Ooh you have a laundry room, get you…

you don’t come across well here, OP.

OP she is the mother of your partner and grandmother of your child. She sounds kind and involved. Choose your battles. The only thing there to worry about is the salt, let everything else go. She is family and not the hired help. I too am a highly strung person so can see your side but you will have to let it go.

She does your laundry, looks after the kids and cooks for you? She sounds like a bloody saint. If you don’t like her way of doing things, allow her to stay with you as your guest and do the jobs yourself (or outsource them).

I presume she managed to feed your DH as he was growing up and he survived so maybe her cooking just isn’t what you are used to?

All I can gather from this is she is cooking, cleaning and looking after your children, and you're picking faults.

This woman is who she is. Why should she change because she's not who you want her to be?

Be grateful for the help and get over yourself.

My mum has Alzheimer’s, your MIL doesn’t sound as though she has dementia. It sounds as though she is trying to help you and doing the things she has gotten into a habit of doing over her lifetime but obviously they are not your ways and it’s frustrating you. That’s what happens when different generations live together. I loved my MIL but would have gone insane if she had lived with us.

This!

To play devil's advocate here, sometimes visitors who are keen to helpful get really upset if you deliberately deprive them of jobs to do (re 'Just do the jobs yourself'). Therefore if OP does so she runs the risk of being considered unkind to her MIL.

I do sympathise a bit OP, having your ILs stay for extended periods would grate on most people's nerves. Not sure you can do much about it other than restrict the amount of her food baby eats though (ie limit salt that way).

Haha yup this is exactly how it reads to me! You don't get to police the volume of another adults voice. She is not your dog barking too loud.

Why don't you start doing the laundry, ask her to help, and put it up in your laundry room how you like so she can see what you want? I wouldn't have a clue what someone meant if they told me to 'use the laundry room'.