Adult diagnosis of ADD?

[FantaLover]

Has anyone here had a diagnosis as an adult? Or have a partner who has had one?

Does it help? Are there strategies that can actually really help?

After YEARS of issues around time management, prioritising, inability to focus on more than 1 thing, accidents driving through being distracted my dh has finally come to the realisation that there is actually a real problem.

He's self employed & his poor time management has caused him to miss many many deadlines & miss out on paid opportunities. He's hugely skilled & talented at what he does but he's held back now by these problems.

It's getting worse as he gets older (49 now) & it's actually affecting all aspects of our family life.

We can NEVER leave the house at the time we've agreed because as me & dc are walking out the door to get in the car he's running around like a headless chicken looking for his belt or sorting the litter tray having spent ALL morning sitting on his phone / laptop.
10 - 15 mins after us he'll emerge asking if we've seen his keys / wallet / phone & another search commences. Coupled with a row about how we're going to be late to whatever we're going to.

We put a special shelf with hooks right by the front door specifically for him to keep his keys/ wallet in one place & he RARELY uses it

We were over an hour late leaving to go to the airport on our last trip because he lost his phone 5 mins before we were due to leave & continued to search for an hour. It causes a MASSIVE row & a very unpleasant start & put us under huge pressure to make our flight on time

He regularly forgets to pick dc up from school on time when it's his turn & makes me anxious to the point where I send him reminders even from work

Last week he really came close to messing up a major project in a spectacular way. He pulled it together at the very last minute but it involved him literally staying up all night working on it & then driving 3 hours to deliver, a day there working & 3 hour drive home WITH NO SLEEP. I was sick with worry & so fucking cross with him. He got it over the line & somehow saved his own bacon but it came at a huge price & I felt at the very end of my tether.

He came home & something was different. He was very shook up about how close to failure he'd come & he was tearful & said he needs help. This was the FIRST time he's ever admitted it

He told me years ago when he was a kid it was suspected he had ADHD but his parents never followed up. He's from a hugely traumatic & neglectful background so no surprises there. Plus I have long suspected his mum is either on the autistic or ADD spectrum herself. She does not function well with day to day life at all

I love my husband, he's very bright & hugely talented. He's funny & kind & generous. I am glad he's looking at this at last because if he wasn't I honestly fear for our marriage as I was coming close to losing patience with his self absorption

He 100% has no separation of work & family life. His work / projects dominate & he allow them to eat all available time

I have suggested ADD to him in the past but he was closed to hearing it. Now he's open & we looked at a check list over the weekend & he has a good 90% of the things listed...it was sobering for him

He's going to make a gp appointment this week. What then? Can We actually find mechanisms to help him?

I'd be so grateful to hear any of your experiences or any resources that might be helpful. It all feels overwhelming right now & the stress of the past few weeks is still very raw

Sorry this is so long

I'm not sure if it would be helpful with ADD, but I find if I'm putting something off, doing a 1 minute burst of it helps my brain get in gear, and when I revisit later I'm able to proceed.

Atomic Habits book is amazing for helping build better habits and organisation.

The Pomodoro Technique is brilliant for time management. Have a look up! So easy!

Maybe small things like this could help.

Thank you @puppetcat
We've tried lots of things over the years to try to help him get better organisational skills - diaries / whiteboard in office with all deadlines added..phone reminders

But it's bigger than that. He is struggling with realistic timelines for how long a task will take & wasting time on tasks that are unrelated & then putting the important task in jeopardy.

That's classic ADHD.

Have a looK at the aadduk website - they have a useful FAQ.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD by a private psychiatrist at the start of April having finally fallen apart after a lifetime of struggling with the same things as your dh.

Getting the diagnosis has helped in several ways, most importantly realising why I have such difficulty with things that most people find easy - there a neurological difference, it’s not me being lazy/stupid. I’m trying to find the right meds which will I hope will help.

i can really recommend the book Delivered from Distraction. It's written by 2 US doctors who both have ADHD and is full of strategies to understand and manage living with the condition.

Thank you for that. I'm sorry to hear that you fell apart @Maladicta I feel my dh is very close to that point now & I'm worried about him.
It's put our marriage under enormous strain & I'm so hoping we can work to get things back on track there too now that he's open to seeking help. Already it feels like a little of the pressure has lifted.

He's making a GP appointment tomorrow & our GP is fabulous so hoping she can refer him on to more specialised help.

I think he's exhausted from years of masking it & I'm exhausted from years of mopping up the mess.

I'm so glad you're getting help & feeling better. It gives me great hope for him.

@BertieBotts we'll look at those websites thanks v much

It does sound a bit like ADHD however if it is getting worse with age I hope the GP will also explore other avenues (early onset dementia etc) just in case.

I have ADHD, you can get referred via the NHS but the waiting times are really long (over 2 years in my area). I asked for a referral to Psychiatry UK via right to choose which I'd read about online and even then it was approx 10 months between referral and diagnosis. They were really good and they also sort out all the medication if you are diagnosed. You have to complete forms and there has to be evidence that it has been present since childhood (sounds like it has from your description). It has been free via the NHS including the meds. If you can afford it though I'm sure the private route is much quicker.

One other thing stuck out to me in your post - the driving/accidents. He'll need to be careful there as DVLA guidance says if your ADHD affects your ability to drive safely it must be declared.

Thank you @SlipperFeet
We're not in the UK so not sure how similar or not the approaches will be.

We can go for private consultation if needed.

What evidence from childhood can be shown if parents did not pursue anything at that time? He did did ok academically & has qualifications up to MA level (though he thinks he could have achieved higher grades than he did)