I need to change my personality - is it possible?

[TheDesperateLady]

I’m shy and introverted. I’ve been criticised for this all my life. As a child, whenever we were at family gatherings I would get horrible comments about not joining in and ‘there’s no point talking to her, she won’t speak to us’. I was treated like I was stupid.

My parents were OK but never really did anything to help me grow my confidence. My mum has said some hurtful things like ‘I wish you were like your cousin x’ because she was loud & confident. I grew up to be meek & timid.

Fast forward - I’m now 44. I have a degree but I haven’t been able to progress much in my career because I’m still just too quiet. My manager actually called me ‘the grey lady’ a few weeks ago because I’m invisible. I don’t think he meant to be nasty, but it’s how I’m seen - quiet, dull and boring.

I accepted the way I am but now it’s causing a problem in my marriage too. I met my DH when I was 18 & he was 21. We were both quiet people and seemed to understand each other.

However he now keeps berating me for not talking. This is exacerbated because he’s not been working due to illness and the the only adult he sees is me. Neither of us have any friends, although I am trying to build up some friendships at work & have been out with them a few times now. He will be going back soon thank goodness.

I literally don’t know how to ‘talk more’. I have no hobbies or interests, nothing really interests me e.g sport etc. I do like reading and apart from that just watch tv or browse the internet (mumsnet mostly!). Inside my head I want to sing and dance and be more fun but I just can’t seem to do it in front of other people - not even my DH.

My DH thinks I’m not making a enough effort to interact with him and DC.

Can I get therapy to be less shy? I think I’m ridiculous.

You arent ridiculous. I think therapy would help you find your voice from an authentic place - things to talk about that you want to talk about, in a way that you are comfortable with. Rather than you forcing yourself to be someone else entirely.

So yes I'd consider therapy and finding some hobbies to improve your own quality of life, and keep seeing the friends you have started to go out with.

But I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with you being quiet, no.

Please don't think you're ridiculous. It's the people around you who are ridiculous if they make you feel less than you are.

And the grey lady? That makes your manager sound like a fool, not you. You're wonderful just how you are.

I genuinely adore working with people with a personality like yours. Thoughtful, reflective, genuine, calm. Heaven. In fact I wish there were far more people like you. Work and life would generally be a lot nicer.

Therapy for being a quiet person? No! There’s nothing wrong with you. Your husband is being unkind. He married you as you are, and and now wants you to change? Not ok. And your manager was out of order.

You can't change your personality, and there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but you can improve your enjoyment of life by doing things that make you happy and give you something to talk about.

You say you'd like to sing, so join a choir where you won't have all eyes on you - they're good places to make friends and singing improves your mood. Have you ever thought about volunteering for an organisation that you would like to support?

I know this is very simplistic advice, and that life doesn't always work in such practical ways. I hope you get to have some fun 🌟

I think it’s fine to be quiet and shy, but your own husband thinking you don’t interact with your kids enough is a step beyond that. Do you think that’s true? That may be something that therapy can help with, though no amount of therapy will change your personality.

You shouldn’t try to change your personality / it’s fine to be an introvert - but yes you can learn to be a good conversationalist. Watch people who have the knack and take mental note of strategies and conversational gambits that would work for you. Practise a little every day. It’s a learnable skill and very much worth learning.

You are not ridiculous, you are you. And he’s a tosser for criticising you.

Your boss sounds horrible.

Don't try to change unless you actually want to, but if you do then yes it's definitely possible. Part of what we think of as personality is really just habits of behaviour. Start small- ask a colleague if they had a good weekend. People love to talk about themselves. Then they'll ask you if you did and there you go, off to the races. Little bit more each day.

I think when you're in the habit of being quiet, speaking up seems a huge thing- as if everyone will turn and look dah dah DAAAH! But it really isn't a big thing.

The podcast How to Own the Room is quite good on how to communicate authentically.

Well, to start out - your DH and your manager are unpleasant. Im sorry about your bad luck there.

You do not need to change yourself. But if you truly WANT to... here my tips (having been horribly shy in the past and overcome it...yes honestly!)

Being quiet and being confident arent necessarily the same. A good manager recognises that introverted staff may not step forward, or may take time to think and observe before speaking. The good manager creates space for that person to talk and invites them into the conversation and certainly doesnt belittle them.

I saw a remarkable episode of Oprah about confidence once, the essence of it was "fake it til you make it". You can literally fake self-confidence and once you get the hang of it people will respond very positively (I promise from personal experience). Here's some ideas:

• observe confident people and pick the things you like best about their behaviour. Do they use humour? Are they known for being an expert in their field? Create a little list of ways you would like to appear confident.

• force yourself to wear a bright colour. And/or over-dress a little bit. Accessories and make up can make you feel more powerful. Start small - a bright lipstick, a statement necklace, a great pair of shoes, a colourful handbag. You can charity shop these items.

• smile and eye contact. When you join a meeting, a cheery "Hello everyone!"

• ask questions. You don't have to talk about yourself - actually that's very boring. Ask people about their weekend, their holiday plans. Tell them about a film you saw/book you read and ask if they know it and what they thought.

• find an ally or a mentor. Find someone who shares you sense of humour and who you can exchange wry glances with in meetings. Or even better, make a friend who you can say to, "I'm

• object to something. Clearly say No. Practising defiance makes you feel stronger. You should still do it calmly, you can even do it quietly- but firmly. Again start small. Manager asks you to finish something after hours - no, it has to wait until tomorrow you're going out. etc.

• go to each meeting with ONE point you want to make. If you dont get chance to make it during the conversation, at the end say, "oh there is one thing I'd like to mention..." and then launch into it. Make eye contact broadly round the room. Be brave and look at each person in turn. If someone disagrees or says it's irrelevant, shrug and smile. You've said something, the aim was simply to say somethng.

Next time manager says something about being invisible, have an acerbic retort to hand with a sweet smile -

"Oh please! Perhaps I'm quiet because I'm tired of hearing you blathering on! If I talked too, this meeting might never end."

"I'm staying quiet because everything you said was, of course, unquestionably accurate. What more could I possibly add?"

"I'm sorry - you're quite right. I'm quiet because I'm day-dreaming about all the places I could work where my manager wasnt so rude to me."

"Does it make you feel powerful to make nasty comments about me?"

"Oh playground insults, is it now? Bravo, great management technique."

Thank you for your nice comments everyone, I will look at the tips and podcast

People can be so nasty and annoying. Nothing wrong with being an introvert. If you really would like to become more of a confident, chatty person then I believe it's entirely possible. Therapy and CBT could really help if it's social anxiety you suffer from, should be available on the NHS with a self referral. Personally I would be happy to be your friend, go somewhere nice and enjoy the silence together 😂 I think people talk way too much but maybe that's just my opinion.