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Original poster

I never cancel when I've agreed to be somewhere but...

21 replies

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:30

Months ago I accepted an invitation to a friend's 60th birthday celebration. He's actually 62 now, this is postponed from lockdown. I've known him 20 years, we were both the "new guy" at a club we still belong to on the same night and our development in that hobby has run parallel, we train together regularly.

Another friend died during lockdown and we were unable to attend the funeral or have a wake. Very popular man, very active in the community, there would have been 100s there if we were able. I was close to him and to his wife separately I.e. they were both my friends not just as a couple. I spent a lot of time with him as he was dying and I've socialised with his wife quite a bit since. His widow has just announced a date for a party in his honour, which clashes with the birthday.

I feel terrible not going to the "wake" but I usually do always stick with whatever I agreed to first. I'd also feel terrible letting birthday friend down.

WWYD?

FWIW event is 3 weeks away so it is quite short notice from the widow.

OP posts:
Northernshepherd · 21/05/2022 16:32

Can you go to both? Show your face for an hour at the birthday then go to wake, or vice versa.

spongedog · 21/05/2022 16:33

Phone the birthday friend and explain. Offer to treat another time. If he is holding a good size bash I am sure he wont mind.

Trialsandtribulationsoflife · 21/05/2022 16:36

I would stick with the arrangements I’d already agreed to, it’s awful when people pull out because something they would prefer to be at crops up.
it sounds like the widow will have plenty of support from all the other people who will be at the party she is throwing in his honour.

ValBiro · 21/05/2022 16:36

Definitely the wake. There will only be one of these, presumably your other friend will live to see several more birthdays! And a good friend will understand the importance and significance of the wake too.

Vikinga · 21/05/2022 16:36

If you can go to both then go for an hour to the wake and then to the birthday, otherwise go to the one you want to go most to. Either person will understand. I'm sorry for your loss.

Johnnysgirl · 21/05/2022 16:37

I'd go to the wake if you can't do both.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 21/05/2022 16:38

Trialsandtribulationsoflife · 21/05/2022 16:36

I would stick with the arrangements I’d already agreed to, it’s awful when people pull out because something they would prefer to be at crops up.
it sounds like the widow will have plenty of support from all the other people who will be at the party she is throwing in his honour.

I don't think anyone goes to a wake because they prefer to go...

Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:39

spongedog · 21/05/2022 16:33

Phone the birthday friend and explain. Offer to treat another time. If he is holding a good size bash I am sure he wont mind.

I think the wake is likely to be better attended than the birthday. Especially as there's now this clash, there is some cross over with friendship groups

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:41

ValBiro · 21/05/2022 16:36

Definitely the wake. There will only be one of these, presumably your other friend will live to see several more birthdays! And a good friend will understand the importance and significance of the wake too.

Well, I think case in point none of us can "presume" that. My 50th plans were cancelled in lockdown and DH died towards the end of lockdown, so they'll never happen now.

OP posts:
MsMcGonagall · 21/05/2022 16:42

I would tell the truth, ie you'd love to have been at the wake but you have a prior commitment. Then go to the birthday party.

Vikinga · 21/05/2022 16:43

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:39

I think the wake is likely to be better attended than the birthday. Especially as there's now this clash, there is some cross over with friendship groups

Show quote history

If there is a clash, can one of them be reorganised?

Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:43

I'm sorry this is something of a drip feel but friend died right at the start of lockdown April 2020. DH died June 2021, so these events fall almost on the anniversary.

Widow and I have supported each other, but this feels like it will be a hard thing to be at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:44

Vikinga · 21/05/2022 16:43

If there is a clash, can one of them be reorganised?

Show quote history

Maybe but I'm not going to be the person who suggests that!

OP posts:
ChocolateRiver · 21/05/2022 16:46

Personally I’d stick with the original plans. I hate letting people down when I’ve agreed to something. The wake is very short notice and I feel really sorry for the birthday person if lots of people start pulling out now because of the wake. Sounds like the widow will have lots of support.

Blueberrywitch · 21/05/2022 16:47

Definitely go to the birthday. If you can, pop into the wake on the way to birthday - but birthday is the original
commitment.

ChocolateRiver · 21/05/2022 16:49

I presume your widowed friend doesn’t know your birthday friend? Even though there is some crossover with those invited to each.

Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:51

ChocolateRiver · 21/05/2022 16:49

I presume your widowed friend doesn’t know your birthday friend? Even though there is some crossover with those invited to each.

They know each other as acquaintances. Birthday friend would have gone to a funeral service, I think, but I don't think he's been invited to wake or widow to birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:51

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:51

They know each other as acquaintances. Birthday friend would have gone to a funeral service, I think, but I don't think he's been invited to wake or widow to birthday.

Show quote history

I.e. they won't know there's a clash at this point.

OP posts:
ValBiro · 21/05/2022 18:32

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:41

Well, I think case in point none of us can "presume" that. My 50th plans were cancelled in lockdown and DH died towards the end of lockdown, so they'll never happen now.

Show quote history

Oh I am so sorry to hear that op. Of course we can never presume, but this is what I would have based my decision making on personally, without all other information. Sounds like you've had an incredibly hard few years Flowers

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 18:36

I think you could reasonable tell the widowed friend there’s a clash. You don’t have to tell them to rearrange but 3 weeks is very short notice and it would be upsetting if poor attendance could be avoided.

As to what I’d do, I’d celebrate a big birthday with the living, I’m afraid. You never know when it will be the last time.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2022 18:43

I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d be pissed off with someone for not coming to my birthday party because they wanted to attend a wake to support a very close friend.

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