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Original poster

I can't stop touching people

18 replies

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 15:45

I've never been a toucher or a hugger. In fact I've been known to bark at male colleagues who put a hand on my shoulder and I was always thoroughly uncomfortable with people I don't know well wanting to hug or kiss.

I seem to have had a complete personality transplant. I think possibly for two reasons. Lockdown/social distancing and no human contact for so long and dh died so there's no intimacy in my life currently.

So far I've held myself back at work, but I often find myself reaching to pat an arm. One of my male staff is struggling with a few work and non work issues and I could see things were getting on top of him the other day and very nearly put an arm round him. I literally had to snatch it back.

Last night I was at a retirement do for two men I worked with more than a decade ago. One of them was my boss back then. Lots of old colleagues, all men. They remember the very proper professional who would not be touched.

OMG, I hugged everyone as I arrived and again as we left, I put arms round people for photos, patted backs during conversation, squeezed hands and when I was saying goodbye to ex boss I actually cupped his face in my hand! They must think I'm having a breakdown, compared to how they remember me! Maybe I am? I'd had a drink, but not that much.

Is this normal? Is anyone else finding this as we get back to normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 17:06

Just me then? 😆

I suppose I need to find other ways to get some contact

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 21/05/2022 17:07

You need a cat

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2022 17:10

No no no.

I've joked that I need a t-shirt that says, FREE HUGS, only joking, don't touch me.

I'm so sorry about your loss and you do need to find what you ned somewhere. But not work. Not work.

Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 17:11

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2022 17:10

No no no.

I've joked that I need a t-shirt that says, FREE HUGS, only joking, don't touch me.

I'm so sorry about your loss and you do need to find what you ned somewhere. But not work. Not work.

I haven't done it at work. These were people from a company I left a decade ago.

OP posts:
OuiWeeOui · 21/05/2022 17:13

God no, I hate people I barely know touching me
>shudder<

SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/05/2022 17:16

Your post made me smile. I'm a hugger but have found myself having to restrain myself since the pandemic. I have a couple of friends who aren't at all tactile and I also have to suppress my urge to give them a squeeze. I have a DH and kids (8-16) so do get some hugs at home but am definitely more touchy-feely than they are. Feel like I must come across as a bit needy/ annoying but I love hugs! 🤣 Not sure what the solution is.

That said my line manager gave me a hug at work the other day when someone had really had a go at me and I was a bit shaken up. Took me by surprise, but in a nice way. People at my work (in a school) are a bit more tactile in social situations than at work I've noticed.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 21/05/2022 17:17

I’m sorry for your loss.

If this is out of character for you, I wonder if it might be an aspect of your grief coming out in an unusual way.

EmmaH2022 · 21/05/2022 17:47

I'm sorry for your loss. That does seem the most likely explanation.

I am a hugger, though obviously I don't ever hug anyone who isn't okay with it, and never at work.

But post lockdown, loss of social life etc has meant I find myself having to stop myself asking colleagues for hugs. Literally. It's awful! I presume it'll pass for both of us.

theemmadilemma · 21/05/2022 17:51

BruceAndNosh · 21/05/2022 17:07

You need a cat

Or a dog. 😁

I'd hug you OP.

godmum56 · 21/05/2022 17:52

I am sorry for your loss. My husband died 10 years ago so I know what the grief is like...but - and I say this in kindness- you really are going to have to restrain yourself at work. With me is was the most violent anger which would boil up and could have been very hurtful to my family and closest if I hadn't found other outlets

dudsville · 21/05/2022 17:54

Your post also made me smile! I laughed that you cupped ex boss's face in your hands!

I remember when dating the man who was too become my life long partner spoke of the absence of casual friendly physical touch when not in a relationship and how the hugs from friends etc meant the world to him.

Fwiw, I've always been more inclined to touch and I do restrain myself.

Original poster
Smartsub · 21/05/2022 17:56

Yes, no one needs to panic. I have felt the need, but always restrained myself at work. It's just that actions that would have felt alien to me "before" fell completely normal and natural now, but I now not at work.

The ones where I actually did them were at a social event with people I no longer work with.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 21/05/2022 18:00

OP "It's just that actions that would have felt alien to me "before" fell completely normal and natural now"

in that respect, we all change a lot through life, I think.

Tallesttiptoes · 21/05/2022 18:29

OP, so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’ve gone too far really from what you’ve said! The cupping face in hand is something I embarrassingly did with everyone who congratulated me on my wedding day, no idea why, I think I was just very joyful 😳

I think it’s a shame everyone is so anti touching! I have been super distant in spacing and not touching / shaking hands at work since the start of the pandemic but recently I am noticing myself changing. I have gone back to shaking hands when I meet someone (which I think makes a huge difference, particularly in a sensitive meeting when people might be distressed), and like OP found myself placing a gentle hand on a distressed colleague’s arm the other day. I noticed a male colleague do this in a very gentle and calm way when dealing with a colleague recently and it made me warm to him as it was such a kind gesture. I think it adds a layer of meaning to kind words sometimes and extends more empathy and feeling than you can just by talking.

I do understand that it is easier not to touch in the workplace as it means you stay very clear of any inappropriateness which is good news all round but there is a time and a place for platonic touch imo.

legoouch · 21/05/2022 19:01

I think a need for touch is really normal and as a widow for 6yrs now I empathise a lot. I think it’s more a loss of a spouse thing than a post-lockdown thing. It’s hard to get that need met when you’re not in a relationship, especially when you’ve been through the loss of a spouse. Comfort would really help, but the very person who would normally comfort you isn’t there, and you’re not necessarily in a place where you’re ready to get into a new relationship. I’ve found it a very difficult part of grief.

legoouch · 21/05/2022 19:03

PS I think going through grief does change you and makes you value things differently than you did before. It’s a rite of passage, a portal to a new stage of emotional maturity, which can feel like a personality transplant at times.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/05/2022 19:04

Someone shook my hand today OP, it was the oddest thing as it's been sooooo long since that was normal but it was quite nice even though it was odd🤣

Cheesechips · 21/05/2022 19:11

Sorry for your loss. I think a pet would be a nice idea. I don't like hugging/being hugged by anyone unless it's my son or husband!

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