Family member rewriting history

[WhatTimeIsItCuckoo]

Hi, I don't really know what I want from this thread but I'm interested to know if anyone else has been/goes through this and how they dealt/deal with it?

I went to visit an elderly relative yesterday and he started reminiscing/rewriting history within the family which often happens. I nodded along politely but then his chat started to include me and (in his eyes) silly things I'd (apparently) done in the past (we'd be talking 20/30 years ago here), whereby another close family member had apparently been really cross with me and 'told me off' calling me 'fucking useless' in the process.

Evidently I was expected to revel in this story about how daft I was/still am but I honestly don't recall it and doubt that it actually happened - it's the usual dynamic of how I'm a bit stupid and the other family member mentioned is somehow my superior (his daughter, for context).

For what it's worth I do know that he was genuinely pleased to see me and wouldn't have intended to hurt me, but I came away feeling so pissed off/flat/frustrated/hurt etc, etc, that time after time I have to listen to this sort of thing whilst making the effort to visit.

Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Dementia?

Could be I suppose, but I don’t think so as this type of thing has been going on for years. It’s an entrenched dynamic - for him - that he latches on to regularly. I just find it really uncomfortable, and insulting 😞 For context, I’m 54, have brought up three kids and am far from stupid!

I know people who do this, the truth is flexible to them.

This happens a lot in my family. It's like there is a tape on a loop in their head, and whatever story he is retelling us the one he finds most reassuring. Almost gleeful his offspring is the clever one, and the two offspring being compared his is winning. But he is a generous winner and wants everyone to laugh along with him and take their place in his pantomime.

It is frustrating. I m subjected to this too. Difficult to confront, but worth it, if he is sane.

Now uncle Tim, that's simply not true and I don't consent to being part of this nonsensical story. If you keep it up, I won't be able to stay as I m not subjected myself to this. It's bullying.

I m going to take a guess at he is comparing you to his children, your first cousins, unfavourably.

If so, it's his unresolved sibling rivalry.

An old arsehole is still an arsehole. If he’s always been like this, you have absolutely no obligation to visit! My grandparents had a moan via a flying monkey that they feel like they ‘don’t have grandchildren anymore’ and no one ever visits. Well- perhaps if they were nicer people, they’d have more company…

If you treat someone poorly for years on end you don’t get to expect them at your side near your own end.

He’s not your parent - you don’t owe him anything. Don’t bother to visit him again.

My parents are both like this. You listen to either they were martyrs to their kids and did everything for us while holding hands around camp fires of an evening singing like the brady bunch. Reality was very different.

Some people re-write history to suit their own insecurities or warped view of the world. If he's always been like this, I agree completely with the PP who said confront him calmly and say I won't tolerate you bullying me like this, change the subject or we can just put a stop to me visiting if you prefer.

If he's got any form of dementia, then the advice is usually to suck it up. As hard as it is to sit on my hands, I have to stop correcting my mother when she tells me stuff from the past that's blatantly untrue, whether it's places she couldn't have been, things that definitely didn't happen, etc.

"As the late queen said, uncle twatface, recollections may vary."

Just because someone’s elderly they don’t have a right to put you down - leave if they are rude about you rather than suck it up. You don’t have to visit again.