I don't even know

[XXhausted]

I'm so exhausted and feel so down. I'm a mum to 6 amazing (when they're not arguing/fighting) kids. I am working 2 jobs whilst trying to complete my degree. I also sort out all the Financials/bills and paperwork etc. OH works FT he's a good and at times helpful dad/partner (whilst at other times selfish)
I'm just fed up, I feel so overwhelmed the house is always a mess I'm constantly cleaning I've forgot what it feels like to watch TV.
I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So for e.g. I can't remember the last time I got a good night's kip. OH is constantly whinging about how he never gets enough sleep. When I'm at work and he is helping g with housework/looking after younger 2 dc He will try to help with the laundry and instead of sorting it (as I would) shoves it all onto a basket or heap (for someone else to sort),he will do the dishes but not put away the washed ones( So I feel inclined to do.it all when I get back.) And he feels really proud and tells me how he's vacuumed, done dishes and moved laundry.
On my day off I be in my pj's till 3/4pm doing house work watching kids etc. He wakes up at whatever hour he feels has his breakfast goes to the gym, comes back has a shower and gets all his stuff done.(I just stand there watching him in awe) like I've got a million and one things to do and on my mind and your so care free.
I can't explain to anyone as I sound so ungrateful and when I have tried I keep getting told I'm lucky to have a man who helps out full stop. I try to explain to OH and all He tells me is he's an amazing man who helps me with everything and I'm lucky to have him as a husband.
I also keep getting told by nosey family members that I'm so lucky as I'm allowed to do/go/buy whatever I want. Which is true but I'm seriously not unreasonable. Occasionally I go on a girls holiday with my sil it's been a while since we last went but they keep telling me I'm really lucky to be allowed to go whilst he has the kids. However I also let OH go wherever he wants with his friend etc. Thankfully no trust issues between us.
I don't really know why I'm writing this I just needed to get it off my chest as I'm so fed up and feel depressed no one seems to understand.
TIA if you read all this and I hope it makes sense

JFC, op, you've got the world on your shoulders. Your husband is a prick, that's a definite. How old are your children?

Several instances of "allowed" in your post. In your family, do men often prevent their partners from doing stuff?

Six children plus a degree plus a full time job is too much work for any two people even if working in harmony and sharing all load equally, which doesn't seem to be happening in your case.

Op this sounds like too much can you drop one of your jobs, but please do not under any circumstances drop your degree. Dh is not helping you they are his dc and it is not your job to do everything in the house. Good luck with your degree

I'm allowed to do/go/buy whatever I want

Cleaner and nanny?

@Aquamarine1029, thats exactly how I feel, the thing is he tries to help but doesn't help and only I can see, but on the face of it he's so easy going and everyone thinks hes this amazing guy that's so good. I feel like he's an extra child at times. DC are DS17, DS13,DD12, DS10, DD3, DD2.

@JanglyBeads I'm a very independent person and very strong minded so it's kind of if I want to do something I will do it if I know it's not wrong (e.g cheating etc) iyswim. These girls who are telling me I am lucky to be allowed to have this lifestyle are married to well off guys and have themselves never worked a day in their life are very dependent on their partners for everything. I mean when one of them said last week your so lucky your allowed I was a bit shocked as well...and replied with its because of the way I am (independent) not the way OH is.

With regards to sharing the load in his eyes/mind he does share the load bc he also works FT. However he's always complaint about how he gets no sleep and how he's unfit bc he hasn't got time for the gym etc.

he also has no paperwork/Financials to deal with and we all know emails and phone calls can take hours on end sometimes. Amd I know of I asked him to do it I'd just be coaching him the have to do it myself anyway.
He starts work when I finish work but I don't think he realises how big of a headache housework, paperwork and bills are.

OK @XXhausted but you also use the word of nosy family members.

Also, your DH tells you you're lucky to have him. That sounds a bit arrogant.

@stepuporshutup with us being a large family I have to work the 2 jobs to keep up with the cost of living honestly I don't even know where the money goes bc at the end of each month where scraping buy and I'm not the best budgeter either. And by no means do we have a lavish lifestyle.

@HeddaGarbled I've thought about getting a cleaner in many timest they are a bit expensive at £10-12ph (the ones I've looked at on gumtree etc) but then I think they would not know where to start. Its a nightmare at the best of times.
I couldnt afford and don't feel I need a nanny as older dc are at school whilst I'm at work (I work 4 mornings 6-2) OH works 5 evenings 4-12.

OP I've no idea how you're doing it. First of all, your husband shouldn't be 'helping out'. It's called parenting and keeping a house. As an adult and a father to I presume all or most of those children, that's literally what he SHOULD be doing.

Now, practicalities. How old are the children? Are the older ones helping with the housework?

If money is not extremely tight, can you afford a cleaner? Or outsource some chores to free up the schedule?

Most important of all, get the kids used to tidy up after themselves. Husband too. Sit down, make a chart, follow it. If he has time for the gym, he has time to do actual housework.

@JanglyBeads yes they're two far cousin sisters who like to pry on other people's lives and make what they want of it.
Yes he feels like I'm lucky to have him bc these girls I'm on about their husbands and his friends etc apparently don't help out at home with anything.

Right, I've just read your update.

DS17, DS13 and DD12 (DS10 at a push too) are old enough for:

• doing their own laundry
• cleaning their own rooms
• clearing out the dinner table in turns
• loading / unloading dishwasher or washing up in turns
• helping you and OH with hoovering, dusting, mopping weekly
• cleaning the bathroom weekly in turns

I only have one sibling and there was plenty of 'time' at home, but we were still expected to help with the house once we reached a certain age. It's called preparing for adulthood. Your 4 eldest are definitely old enough to do chores by themselves.

Now, the OH has to lead by example.

You need to sit down together and come up with an attack plan.

Set a budget. Stick to it. Weekly online shop + set bills XYZ + money for birthdays / unpredictable shoe replacement + monthly treat budget at X.

Big families CAN be organised but it involves everyone who is old enough to run a hoover, contributing to helping the home tidy.

Forgot to add, I hope I'm not coming across as patronising or like I'm trying to tell you how to do things.

I think you're wonder woman dealing with all of that. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is.

Just wanted to say that yes, things CAN become better and there is definitely a way to do it. You can do this 💪

I would say that you have 4 children that are old enough to help out around the house, you shouldn’t have to do everything. Maybe 1 could do laundry, 1 do the washing up, etc. If it were me, I would come up with a fair system, where they all take on a little responsibility - if they refused, I’d go ‘on strike’ … see how long they can cope when chaos ensues and they realise you’re serious about things needing to change.

For just this post, I am not going to discuss your shitbag of husband. This is about your children. The older four are more than capable of doing a lot of housework, and you're not doing them any favours if you don't make them do their fair share. You are not their skivvy. New rules are in order, right now, and them helping you is non-negotiable.

Sorry but you did have 6 children with him! 🤔

@GrandSlamFinale not at all. I appreciate each and every single reply as I've never actually said it exactly how it is and it's starting to overwhelm me now.
Your replies are actually helping me realise how it actually is and that it is not OK yo carry on like this.
With regards to Older DC helping out with chores we don't have a plan or a schedule (I've tried this in the past and somehow it doesn't work bc they always feel like ones got more work than the other) and it always turns into an argument. My fault as well bc my idea of clean & tidy and everyone's else idea of clean and tidy in our house is two different things. The kids are at school.all day and then have swimming/football etc in the evenings. By the time their home, had supper, done some homework and 30/45 mins screen time between them its arguments and bedtime. (Makes me feel more sad when im writing it). Bc no one likes going to bed on time either. Especially the middle 3 it's just never fair that they should all go to bed at the same time.

All the dc discipline is down to I as well. As when I've asked oh to send them to bed if they refuse he says it's fine let them stay up just to save him self from the headache so I have to step in and become the bad mom.

Another thing I've just remembered if the kids want to buy something (phone etc) If I say no they will ask him who says yes for an easy life with no intention of buying it so they come to.me and say we'll dad said we can have it now you buy it. It's mad honestly writing it all down makes all the difference. WOW

@UndisclosedSupportWren definitely need a system in place for everyone to chip in and help. It's just then I feel like we're all doing the house stuff it's never ending and the kids are going to end up hating me for it.

@Aquamarine1029 OMG! I've just had him sit and read this thread he finds it funny thinks I'm joking and doesnt know of any other men don't that help in their houses. He's asking me to go and find out which other men do housework and help out around the house. His exact words wtf?????!!!!!

@SpudsIluv yes I did!!! Love is blind and all that bs. In my case it's deaf and fuckin dumb too. 😒

DS17, DS13 and DD12 (DS10 at a push too) are old enough for:
doing their own laundry
cleaning their own rooms
clearing out the dinner table in turns
loading / unloading dishwasher or washing up in turns
helping you and OH with hoovering, dusting, mopping weekly
cleaning the bathroom weekly in turns
I only have one sibling and there was plenty of 'time' at home, but we were still expected to help with the house once we reached a certain age. It's called preparing for adulthood. Your 4 eldest are definitely old enough to do chores by themselves.

Absolutely to this!