I would be greatful for advice on this.
For context, divorced DH in 2018. DS (11) resides with me and DH lives 2 streets away. He’s never been invested in DS’s development (never read to him, never reads school reports, zero support during 11+ preparation, never asks to see him, never taken him to activities, supported him with his learning difficulties). I usually tell ex when DS will be with him to give me free time. He is an only child with no family around us. He refuses to stay overnight with DH, but had to recently as I was traveling.
Recent events have really upset me:
- He knows DS doesn’t eat much at school, and is very hungry when collected from school. Ex makes him wait until 8pm to eat as he works from home. He gives a snack, but I’ve explained time again it’s important he eats earlier.
- DS loves politics and is involved in a youth organization involved in this area. He was invited to a debate in Westminster. I was away at a conference, and I asked ex to take him. He said he couldn’t as it was a holy night during Ramadhan and he would take DS to the mosque. He didn’t go to the mosque and DS missed out on a great opportunity.
- DS was invited to another similar event. Ex didn’t take him. He generally can’t be arsed taking him anyhwere that’s good for his development.
- He went away on Thursday and Friday. He told me the night before, which meant I had to cancel meetings to collect DS. I asked why he didn’t tell me earlier, and his response was he was telling me now. He refused to make alternative arrangements. DS called him to ask where he was and ex gave a vague answer and told him he was being rude for asking. Ex asked DS sarcastically where he was - he was on his way back from school. DS was teary all weekend over this. He messaged ex’s sister to ask if his dad was at his parents. He was. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t say. He goes regularly. Felt like he was gaslighting his own son.
- I had to go to A&E yesterday and couldn’t collect DS from school. I asked ex to. He said I needed to be back by 5.30 to collect DS from him so he could go out. I said I couldn’t guarantee it as the wait was long as I needed treating. He told me to make alternative arrangements for DS. I said there was nobody else, plus he would be distressed when told I was in hospital. He then said he refused to collect him. It was only after I said I would inform the Head that he agreed. I sobbed in the waiting room as I couldn’t believe was willing to force me to leave hospital.
- Today, he asked for an old laptop to be returned as he is receiving notifications that someone is trying to login into his email from that device. I told him it was impossible as it’s not been switched on for months and isn’t connected to the net. He then said DS was trying to access his email from another device, which is utter bollocks.
- DS asked ex to drop off his football so he could play in the garden. Ex said he couldn’t as he was tired. DS pleaded and asked what the purpose of him being close by was if he can’t help like this.
- Went in pilgrimage to Mecca with his mate and didn’t see DS for a wholf month during the holidays.
He’s a selfish prick, and I am worried about the effect on DS, who really isn’t a priority for him. Just looking for support.