I can't carry on like this - I feel like I'm a narcissist and I'm at breaking point.

[racingheart247]

I've always suffered from what I thought was anxiety, I've tried a few times to go on medication and have always given up very quick with worries about the side effects, becoming numb/reliant, convincing myself its all in my head and I can choose to be better. I have always been very co-dependent and in relationships, I have a pattern of leaving relationships for other men and then painting them to be the bad guy, when that isn't actually true. I know its bad but I'm trying to be honest. This happened in all of my relationships between 18-23, at which point I met my now partner. To be completely honest I had flirtations with other guys during our relationships second year, again painting my partner to be a bad guy when he really isn't but to justify myself, the difference was I couldn't go through with cheating on him physically and didn't actually want to leave him so I didn't. We got better and got engaged and had a baby and were in a really strong place when I felt stable, the issue is I would still have these unstable periods where I would feel sick constantly, have a racing heart and be panicking about him so much, is he right for me? do I love him? comparing him to my ex, convincing myself it was my ex I should be with. I actually got back in touch with an ex during the first lockdown and crossed some lines over messages majorly before realising that I was so lucky to have my family and I was being an idiot. We then fell pregnant again which unfortunately resulted in a stillbirth, and completely broke both of hearts, we pulled together and got through it as a family, we got married and we bought a house and everything seemed great, until it didn't again. I'm currently going through another one of my blips where I just have this constant racing heart panic, sinking stomach feeling, just wanting to lie in bed and reassure myself and I just want to cry. I can't live my whole life like this. I just want to be happy. Of course the irony isn't lost on me that I have these spells of being so unsettled and worried that my partner isn't right for me when in reality he's the good, stable one who loves me and cares for me and supports me whilst I'm this unstable wreck who constantly questions whether I even love him. I'm so terrified of leaving as when I'm not in one of these phases I'm happy, I love our family, our life, our time together, our child, I don't want to lose it all but it feels like leaving is then only way to stop this from happening repeatedly. Its not fair on my child for mummy to be ok for weeks and then stuck in bed crying. Its a miracle my husband is even putting up with this shit anymore. I'm a selfish, immature cheat, when I read this back, but yet I feel in this inner turmoil that somehow I'm the one who might be missing out. Am I just a shit person who clearly isn't in the right relationship and needs to just leave, and that's why I get like this or is there perhaps something going on that isn't diagnosed and I've never tried treatment long enough to know for sure? What if it doesn't need to be like this and I can just be happy and stop doubting everything? Am I a narcissist and incapable of feeling at ease? I just can't carry on, there's never a moments peace inside my mind anymore and I'm totally, totally spent.

You aren't a Narcissistic.

What was your childhood like ?

Crap - two parents who never got divorced but should have and argued all the time, had affairs with each other to start with and then my dad had another one within the marriage. I have always struggled with friendships by being too intense and pushing them away for it. I have no friends from primary or secondary school at all. The only friendships I have now are thankfully stable, adult ones but ones I only made at 26/27. I just remember desperately trying to fit in my entire childhood and always feeling like I didn't, I didn't really form a personality of my own and just tried to mirror people. I remember a friends boyfriend saying he didn't like me because I had no personality and it triggered me massively and I still wouldn't say I feel like I know who I am though I am definitely making progress.

Op I was diagnosed with EUPD - I have attachment issues as a result of a similarly chaotic childhood and I behaved similarly to you. It's a result of trauma but narcissism but it can look similar and it can be toxic if you're not self aware and willing to do the work. It's a very self destructive mode to be in but you model what you learnt as a child. If you haven't already, I recommend seeking therapy to unpick your past and work on calming your poor, overworked nervous system. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby

Just to also add I've now been also diagnosed with adhd (some confusion as to whether EUPD diagnosis was accurate). Emotional lability is a symptom of both conditions but can be managed with work. It's not easy and the demons are always there but it gets easier to manage them once you are aware and have the tools.

Don't worry, we all fuck up then try and justify it to ourselves now and then. You aren't a narc as if you were you would t be on here worrying that you are one . Just learn from past mistakes and don't be too hard on yourself

You are not a narcissist.

Have you ever seen a therapist?

Hi OP
I just want to say you sound very similar to me, i go through exactly the same thought process, mirror others to fit in have an overactive mind and too wonder am I a narcissist? I also had a chaotic and somewhat traumatic childhood, I now think i may have ADHD, i mentioned this to my GP who said its very unlikely an adult your age whos managed to hold down successful jobs would be ADHD but im not convinced, i job hop like crazy and never feel settled.
I just wanted to let you know you arent alone although i dont have any words of advice

Also, ive just googled EUPD as ive never heard that term, strangely I also think i may be concidered Bordeline personality disorder so i will look into that later. Thanks PP

Your chaotic and difficult life probably stems from watching your chaotic parents. You haven't been shown what a good relationship looks like with either friends or a partner. You are pushing people away (by trying to making yourself unlovable) so that if they left you it wouldn't hurt so much ...

This isn't uncommon. Can you get therapy ? If you like reading find a social work book about kids outcomes from living in chaos / attachment theories.. but I would strongly suggest therapy.

It also goes by that name - more so in the US. And yes people with adhd can hold down jobs, but the personal cost is high! I've just recently been diagnosed at 52

I don’t think this is a narcissist as they’re nothing really narcissistic about it, that’s an overused term online especially on womens forums like this, so I can see why you would read that and apply it.
This sounds a lot more like borderline personality disorder. Honestly you really need to see someone and get on some medication most likely, I have a niece like this who was voluntarily in the mental hospital so they could get her meds for this right.

Please see Someone because your right this isn’t fair on your daughter or husband and is no way for you to live either.

I was referred to 5 NHS counselling sessions during my big blip in 2020, to be honest I don't know if I was honest enough to really get anything from it. She spoke a lot about mindfulness etc but I didn't really gain anything from it.

A lot of what you've said about mirroring, not feeling like you fit in and the somewhat chaotic and tumultuous pattern of relationships is quite familiar with people with ADHD (and BPD/EUPD, for that matter, but the latter tends to be far more impactful on mental health). The intensity you feel things, which explains why each time you feel like this it sort of hits a crisis point is quite apt for those who do suffer from ADHD as they tend to catastrophise emotions and find it hard to regulate them.

I don't think you sound like a narcissist at all. It's a very "en vogue" word to throw around these days but in its purest form it's incredibly manipulative, devoid of empathy and entirely self serving - nothing your original post suggests - in fact, you seem like you have a healthy amount of awareness that you feel this way and the impact it may have on others.

I would recommend making no changes to your life at the present time even though something is telling you that you need to. You really don't. Let the moment pass. Read up more about ADHD, see if you can book in on private therapy - perhaps even a session with a psychiatrist to discuss your patterns of behaviour and be guided by them. There is no time limit to receiving a diagnosis of anything, and the way things like ADHD et al present in females is vastly different to the "hyperactive wild boy" rhetoric that gets bandied around.

Hey op, have you tracked how you feel, including times and in relation to your cycle?
I am very similar and have adhd, pmdd and trauma in my childhood. I too often have had feelings as to whether I'm the narcissist but after therapy that's not the case

Hi OP
Ive been thinking about you and how you are feeling? I just wanted to let you know that thanks to your post and the comments from some of the posters on here i have spoken to my GP and am being referred to have an ADHD assessment.