Too selfish to be a mum?

[Pennyrropspenny]

Me and DP don’t have the most stable relationship anymore. I’m almost at the point where I couldn’t get a termination. I’ve loved the baby so much already but I’m terrified of being alone. I’m not exactly young (mid 30s) and always wanted kids. But I’m suddenly overwhelmed with how selfish I feel…I’m thinking about all the baths I won’t have, the relationships I may never have again if me and DP separate, the holidays I won’t go on…the fact I want to learn french and how can I go to a class now?!

I don’t know where all these thoughts have come from but I’m so scared of not having any time to myself and maybe I’m not cut out to do this :(

I'm going to be brutally honest, if you're in an unstable relationship and having doubts about having the baby, terminate ASAP. Growing up bouncing between two parents who don't get on is miserable enough, let alone with a mother who regrets having you or resents you.

I think this would be best in pregnancy choices.

But yeah, to be a good parent you do have to have a level of selflessness. I can't lie and pretend you can still have your own life. It's a massive commitment. Do you have any family support? The time, the money, the effort, it's huge. It does get easier imo, I've found toddler years a lot easier because I'm getting plenty of sleep and the evening to myself (sleep training saved our lives honestly) but that isn't the case for everyone either.

Are you able to speak to a professional to talk this through? It could be last minute nerves, or it could be that you're genuinely realising late in the game you're not cut out for it. I can't blow smoke up you and pretend you'll do great no matter what, you only have to look around and see so many parents who do a crappy job whose kids suffer because they don't have the time, emotional ability, or resources to care for them properly.

I'm sure you'll get replies too from people whose mums were too selfish to be good mums but had them anyway (probably through little choice in earlier generations). The impact can last a lifetime.

I’ve spoken with professionals about it since the start and always concluded it’s what I wanted. I’ve basically longed for kids since I can remember! So this feeling has taken me by surprise.

It’s totally normal to have these kind
of wobbles even with much wanted children. It’s just the process of it becoming real and you facing up to all the implications. You will experience many emotions over the course of the pregnancy! Good idea now though to examine the relationship and be sure if it’s what you want, if so then work on it now.

I've got four kids and never not had a bath but it does stop you from doing a lot of things. The thing I find though is that your whole perspective changes and you probably won't want to do all those things because it won't be even be on your agenda. The kids take priority and if they're happy, I'm usually happy. I used to be out every other weekend up till I had my second child, now I'm grateful for every moment of peace I can get. Friends with no kids can go out spontaneously and have several holidays and year and I don't care about all that stuff, it's just a different way of life and different priorities.

Honestly OP, I think this is pretty normal. And IME people who really are selfish parents don't really think of themselves as such or have that level of self-awareness about it. Yes, life changes but it doesn't mean you can't ever do anything again! Especially with just one child, after the intensity of the newborn and young baby phase passes, there's no reason you can't do the things on your list! Life doesn't have to stop or end because you have a child. There are adjustments but you don't have to stop being you or give up on your own enjoyment.

I think the fact your relationship is unstable is clouding how you really feel and what you want. You say you want to learn french - find a class now so you can make a start. It might not be so easy once DB is around, but you can continue online if you really want.

Not saying having a child is easy, but it doesn't mean you can't have those baths, holidays and even meet someone else (I know someone with twins and a DD - she's been with her OH for four years and he's been living with her family for two).You say you want to learn french - find a class now so you can make a start. It might not be so easy once DB is around, but you can continue online if you really want.