It’s no wonder you don’t get invited anywhere!

[Blinkingbatshit]

Just said this to dd13. To be fair it’s true - she’s one of those kids who is always moaning, nothing is ever good enough, causes constant unnecessary drama, it’s never her fault, thinks everyone is beneath her. We do everything we can to help and support her, to try to show her that she could be kind, friendly, positive. There are no special needs, she has siblings who are in no way similar so it’s not totally down to shit parenting. I’ve tried both ways ie stepping back and leaving her to it but it goes south so quickly (she upsets everyone at school and they all stop engaging entirely)….they tolerate her when she’s not being at her worst. Obviously she’s never invited anywhere - no parties, play dates, sleepovers. She was so unpleasant & rude when I was trying to help her earlier I said the above - I’ve explained so many times and though I know she really feels a lack of friendship in her life she will not ever consider it could be of her own making. She wants to be in the popular crowd and will not deign to attempt friendship with anyone ‘lesser’. I love her so much and she can be brilliant- but really only when she wants something and knows it’s a means to an end (she’ll help her Gran who will then spend £££ on her). Im so lost with what to do, I’m so sad for her and I’m ashamed to say I’m also really embarrassed. Tough love just makes things worse (she never ever admits fault) and love bombing seems to have no tangible benefits either. Her siblings try to avoid her. I have chatted and explained how unless she is open and kind friendship will not come knocking. She just tells me I know nothing. I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Has she always been like this?

She might be helped by a shit ton of compulsory charitable service. Perhaps spending all her whinging hours on helping those less fortunate will build her self-awareness and a more worthwhile character.

Do you compare her to her siblings to her face ?

Was she like this as a Pre teen?

No help whatsoever but my 12 turning 13 year old is exactly the same. Negative about everything unless she wants something, rude, looks so grumpy that I am not surprised she struggles to make friends and not interested in doing anything. School work is a fight - she’s very lazy with it, doesn’t have a bad brain but just cannot be bothered.

There IS a cause for the behaviour, you just haven't identified it yet. She sounds very unhappy and is clearly struggling socially. You say there are no additional needs - are you positive about this? Neurodiverse conditions like ASD and ADHD present differently in girls and are frequently missed. It's often around puberty that the social deficit really kicks in for girls with ASD - would it be worth getting her assessed? There are personality disorders also that could cause the kind of social difficulties she's having. Has she had any intervention at all? Could she see a psychologist?

I don't want to put the boot in, but I think you've made a serious mistake in saying to her what you've put in your thread title. For a child who knows she isn't making friends and is lonely, struggling and lashing out, that will have been devastating to hear from her mother. I know it's hard (I really do, I have a child with ASD who had a VERY rough ride through school and we had some very tough teenage years) but you need to be doing everything you can to build up her self-image, not tear it down.

My first thought was maybe she has mental health issues you are unaware of. And that I really hope she doesn't know you feel like that or compare her to her siblings, because that'd easily lead to mental health problems.