Left out School Mum

[Stressmess]

I have always felt on the outside of things and quite isolated even though my children have been at the School from the start and we are now several years in.

Two things happened this week which have just confirmed things. Firstly there was a class party and all the girls around 15 of them were invited to the party but only mine and one other girl weren't. They all were handed out invites at School and then were given a gift afterwards which they all came in to School the next day showing off making it obvious to those who weren't invited.

Secondly a second party, whole class which we were invited to. Left the kids off at venue and went to a coffee shop for an hour with my DH. Then the other kids Mums came in. Six of them had all gathered together, having coffee and chat. It was obvious from the conversation that they had been to each others houses and talk of this Club and that Club while we sat there awkward af. No efforts to include us. It was the most uncomfortable hour I have had for a long time. I came home silent and on the verge of tears.

I was left out of things growing up and it is still happening now as an adult and to my children too. I feel quite pathetic letting myself be upset over things but it is just like history repeating itself.

There is a class whatsapp group but it is rarely used so obviously things are done outside of this. I thought it just wasn't a very friendly class but there are friendships just I am not part of things again. I was in a good mood this morning and now I now feel sad for me, sad for my kids that we are on the outside and that they are there but not really part of things. It doesn't usually bother me but today it has.

How old are the children?

If it was a whole class party and 6 of them went for coffee together they'll just be a friendship group from within the class. They'll have known each other from before (nursery, their own school days, clubs etc) or they'll have got to know each other on the playground.

Do you speak to other parents? Have you made the effort to make friends with other parents?

Didn't want to read and run. My first thought is do you feel you have made an effort from the get go? I found that striking up conversation on playground, going to local park at the weekends, initiating playdates and also suggesting things like drinks or meals out from yr R in the WhatsApp group means I have a good little group of school mum friends now. Note that these are not the mum's of kids that DD yr 5 plats with now as things have moved on.

Can you describe more how social interactions were early on and how old are your kids now? I think it is something that you constantly have to work on eg when mums came in to the café, could you have gone over and said hi, I'm so and sos mum and joined them?

It's not always easy to navigate and I know I don't get invited to everything but I try and put myself out there.

Aw op I think this happens to a lot of people including myself. It sounds like your class is very cliquey, my sons was like this too and I was so glad when he went to high school as I no longer saw those people. It’s cliquey too in my dd class and she often doesn’t get invited to parties. I think it’s because she isn’t typically girly. Only a few more weeks left and she goes to high school where she will find her tribe. I know there are many mums in my dd year who are on the outside. I have made friends with them. We are the geek clique.
I would recommend reaching out to the mum of the other child who wasn’t invited to the girls party. I bet she feels bad too.

How old is your child? Mine is reception age and we've made friends through his friends and generally putting in an effort but I'm still on the edge of one friendship group purely from being around less. Some of the y1 mums said they struggled to make friendships last year but had a bit more free time and energy this year and have been very successful. I think you need to make an effort too.