Can you just choose not to be jealous?

[FutureMeExtreme]

I'm currently feeling like a bad friend. My relationship broke down and it has been extremely stressful, upsetting and it is still ongoing. My ex is and was a pretty nasty person at times.

Whilst this was happening one of my friends was also having issues within their marriage. I think I only took notice because of my own. We confided in each other. Ultimately I left my relationship but she decided to continue as she couldn't face not seeing her children every day.

We still speak often which I'm so grateful for but I'm really struggling to hear about their lovely days out together as a family, how they are future planning, how well the children are doing etc etc. I'm not anywhere near sorted and it hurts.

I feel like a failure both as a mother, a partner and now as a friend. I'm jealous and it isn't attractive. I'm hoping I can just choose not to be jealous.

Please note I'm very happy for my friend that things are improving for her. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on any one.

Ah bless you. Youve got a totally different reality going on while watching your friend play the relieved happy family role.

In answer to your question, I think yes you can choose not to be jealous. Turn away from your friend and what she's doing, and focus completely on reshaping your own life. That's all you can ever do. Look at your needs, your happiness, the progress you need to make. Reconnect with your friend in a few weeks or months.

I've turned jealousy off twice in my life by recognising that it was about my sad empty spaces, and working to develop them.

Thank you for replying. I would feel awful just turning away from her. I have thought about explaining but honestly who would want to hear that their friend felt jealous that they've fixed their marriage. I would sound like an arsehole.

You are right though. I do need to develop my own life again and take positive steps. I have some leave coming up. Maybe this might be the time to really focus on how to move forward.

I felt like this when everyone was having babies and I couldn't. You're not jealous or upset that your friend is doing well, it's because you're not (at the moment). Comparison is the thief of joy. I dealt by reducing contact a bit and steering conversation to safe topics away from the source of your upset. Focus on what you need to do to get where you want to be and celebrate your wins even if they're small. Your friends life is no doubt not as good as it looks remember, everyone has their shit to deal with xxx

I think Something has summed it up beautifully. I think you can transform this kind of jealousy by turning your awareness to the feelings you have about your own situation and being very gentle and empathetic toward yourself. Recognise all of what you have been through, the struggle and anxiety, the ensuing mess and chaos, the grieving for what has been lost or delayed, the dashed hopes and aspirations and the uncertainty of the future. See yourself, or rather your ragged, worried mind which has frantically been trying to fix and salvage, limit damage, save what can be saved for you and your loved ones, and love it. Shower this hardworking mind, the origin of the misplaced jealousy, in empathy and recognition, love and appreciation. Self-love can be challenging when low, but it can also be transformative.