What should I be getting out of therapy?

[JanisMoplin]

Been going through a lot of difficult stuff lately and I have got a private and expensive therapist as the NHS waiting period is months. I am not sure if she is any good, though it has been only 3 sessions so probably too early to judge. The first session was mostly about getting to know me. In the last 2 sessions, the only thing she has said has been " How do you feel?" Shit obviously or I wouldnt be here. Then some generic advice about exercising ( I do), not drinking ( I do not) and so on and so forth. And some stuff about how to reframe my way of thinking. It's mostly me rattling on to fill the silence.

I honestly think I would feel better if I took the money and went for a nice play or comedy gig. But perhaps I am being hasty.

Depends of why you’re seeing the therapist. I did for depression and he said I have to realise I have no control of over the peoples emotions. My parents lost twins at birth before they had me. I always wanted my mother to tell me she loved me .. never did.. I was always trying to do things jobs, boyfriends, etc that would please her to make her proud… and by trying to please people the effect it takes on you in enormous. I had boyfriends leave but I because I wanted the “family unit husband kids etc” like she had with my dad and stepdad because I didn’t (single parent to one DC at the time now single parent to 2) I felt like a failure and her not saying she loved me/proud of me … impacted me and wore me down. and bf La leaving just meant I was no longer near to getting the “perfect family unit” I always thought I needed.

I was on meds before the therapy sessions and when I told the therapist I told mother I was on meds for depression and her response was I had 4 of you on my own and I never complained. (after dad left and before stepdad so 10 years of her being a single parent). So it wasn’t until the therapist said I cannot control peoples emotions that I started to relax and slowly began to take control of my life.

big circles as I’m on meds for depression and anxiety but this is brocade of work, so I changed roles and I’m learning how to deal with the anxiety. My putting the cup in the cupboard in a different place than it was WILL NOT mean a bad thing at work will happen. But it’s taking it one day at a time.

we all get impacted by others and situations it dealing with it, coping with it is what we have to learn.

Do you feel any better/different at all after each session? I know some things can take a long time to work through and you're only 3 sessions in but it sounds like this one isn't really working for you.

I think the more you talk in therapy, the more you reveal to yourself, which is kind of the point. First you offload the stuff you've been brooding on, so maybe those early sessions do feel a bit uncomfortable and pointless. But once that stuff is out of the way you are focusing more on day to day - what is triggering unhealthy responses or emotions? What is holding you back. And because you've done the splurging of background, you can refer to it and start to make some connections.

I've only had short term therapy before but I found the therapist's interjections very helpful - encouragement to reframe thoughts or reminders that I have no control over other people's behaviour but only my response to it.

Why answer your own question: what should you be getting out of therapy, from your own point of view? What would you like to understand, change, confess to yourself, accept, forgive, move on from, handle better? Start thinking about the changes you would like and you might focus better on them.

Days out will help you feel better in the short term, but they won't undo misplaced beliefs, assumptions or harboured feelings.

Do you know what you want to get out of therapy?

It might be that your therapist is still trying to find a route to explore with you, but I have to say that being told to increase my basic self care inthe way you have been told would have me looking for a new therapist.

Forgot to say, a started and stopped proper therapy a few times after a couple of sessions, feeling very unsettled that the therapist said almost nothing. Decades later, I get it. They are there to give you time and space, uninterrupted and unjudged, for you to sort yourself out. If they jump in to save you, it's a dependent relationship and they are there to help us be healthily autonomous.

I think if you're 3 sessions in and not getting anything out of it, this therapist is not for you.

It depends on what you put into it, what you get out.

Personally I have a difficult family situation that I'm struggling to change and I rely on the support and compassion I get from him as well as the confirmation that I'm not going crazy.

What kind of therapist? Counsellor, Psychotherapist?

what kind of therapy are you having? CBT, person centred, psychodynamic? They're all different, but ultimately (perhaps with the exception of CBT which is more directive) the therapist isn't there to fix or give advice. They're there to help you unpick how you're feeling, work out what you want to change and sometimes to offer insights and reflections. Not to tell you what to do. The point of therapy is that they're helping you to find your own answers as you know you better than anyone. It can take time.

What type of therapy is it? As in, person-centred, psychodynamic, CBT etc.?

Generally it takes more than a few sessions to start seeing any benefit, in fact it's not unusual to feel worse for weeks or months even. How "active" the therapist is with interventions will depend on their modality and working style; a psychoanalyst for example would say very little but a CBT therapist would take a more active role in leading the discussion. I'm not sure why she is giving you lifestyle advice about exercise and not drinking though so it's hard to say exactly what is going on and if it's worth sticking with this or trying something else...

The most important aspect of therapy is the relationship between client and therapist. Ideally, you should have an initial gut feeling that he/she is someone you could be comfortable working with.

3 sessions is nothing at all in therapy - you've barely scratched the surface. That 'rattling on' is an important part of the process, as much as it feels like nothing meaningful is happening.

Having said that, it is a bit strange that she is giving you advice about exercise and smoking - therapists would normally not give any advice at all, so that makes me think maybe she is inexperienced. Have you asked about her qualifications and do you know what kind of therapy it is? - CBT/ person centred/ psychodynamic etc?

Assuming you feel comfortable with her (or find a therapist you do feel comfortable with if not), you really need to stick with therapy for at least 10-15 sessions and work through these difficult, awkward sessions (everyone has them), then review.

Ideally also keep checking in with the therapist directly about how it's going and how you feel about therapy.

Thanks for all the responses. It's CBT therapy and the therapist is quite well regarded, recommended to me by a friend. I am seeing her for anxiety, mild depression and menopausal misery ( Also starting HRT next month). I had quite a hard time in the pandemic and I am hoping to make some changes in my life with her help.

I feel quite comfortable with her, but I am not sure if it is helping. But I have taken on board that it is very early days and I need several sessions.

I wouldn’t expect any changes after 3 sessions of cbt, it’s very early days. If you feel you get on with the therapist, give it more time. It’s not a quick fix.

Apart from having a better therapist, the biggest difference between my first and second therapy experience was really wanting things to change. First time around I think spent a long time talking about things and occasionally feeling better, but also rather aimless and actually not sure what it was all for. Second time around I was feeling a lot more miserable in general and more motivated to actually put the hard work in so things could get. So I think to a great extent you will need to find your own answer to your question "what should I be getting out of therapy" - or perhaps "what do I want to get out of therapy?". And then the process should become a lot more focused and clearer.

*so things could get better.
(I wish there was an edit button!)

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling and not feeling the benefits of therapy. I would say it is worth researching different types of therapy and finding a therapist you connect with.

I'd recommend solution focused hypnotherapy as an option. I am biased because I am hypnotherapist but I trained in hypnotherapy because it really helped me overcome some challenges in my life. There are lots of different types of therapy though so it's definitely worth doing a bit of research to find something that feels right for you. Wishing you all the best.