It's so hard yet it's for the best

[Makingsuresheissafe]

Today my DM went into a care home.
She has dementia and is not safe living on her own.
Has become scared of the cooker, microwave, phone
washing machine, kettle etc.
Started to see people who had died.

I helped set up her room we took lots of ornaments,
cushions and photos. As I was leaving she started to cry
asking me not to leave her. Mum looked like a little girl
and I was her mum.
I phoned at 9pm and she was still upset.

It was a good decision made by the family but boy
do we feel guilty.
It's a lovely home in a nice setting. Lots of staff.
The other residents seem nice and I bet mum will
know someone. Huge bedroom, private toilet.
Lovely menu for meals today. Plus home made cake.

Yes it is for the best, you sound very nice & kind and both very lucky that you could find & arrange such a nice home for your mum. Rest well tonight and enjoy the hugs on your next visit. X

Oh my lovely. So hard. But she was scared at home. She wasn’t safe.
She is safe. She will settle in and feel more at home.
Sending you 💐

It must be so hard, but you know you’re doing the right thing. She will settle and get to make friends there and become familiar with the staff. She is safe, and that’s the main thing. It will take time for it to become comfortable for you too, so be easy on yourself. X

That must be so hard for you. You know she will be better cared for and there won't be any risk of her setting fire to anything or leaving the front door open or anything like that. You know it's what she would want you to do for her, to keep us safe and looked after. 🌷

@HollowTalk funny you should mention setting fire to something.
She did that a few months ago and this made us more determined
for her to go into a home.
Unfortunately the social worker kept trying to get her to stay in her own home.
She was no where to be seen when mum was phoning me or my brothers and even her sister at 2.30am to say that we are late getting to her house. Or where are my slippers.

One of my parents had a stroke and for a while wasn't sure what was going on, very confused and wouldn't have been safe at home, so I put them in a home temporarily. They kept phoning asking to come home. It was awful and I felt so guilty, especially as there were still a lot of cover restictions in place and they were there over Xmas.

Move forward a few months and they are better and at home again. We have talked about the chain of events after the stroke as they have very little memory of the details. They completely agree that I made the best decision putting them in the home as I had their best interests at heart. They even wanted to take presents to the care staff as they said what a great job they did taking care of them.

What I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that they would probably agree or at least understand your reasoning if they could talk to you about it with sound mind. I'm sure you've done the right thing.

When our mum's dementia got to the 'point of no return', with delusions about friends and family and calling 911 on them, hearing/seeing things, not bathing/showering, stubborn about getting help in, we made that hard but necessary decision, too. On the care home owner's advice, we moved her in quickly (no dilly-dallying over what to take just moved the 'essentials' at first and brought in ornaments and other possessions over the next week or so), treated it as if it were 'temporary' during the move, and then didn't visit or contact her for 24 hours to give her time to 'settle in'.

I gave it a day to acclimatize and then went to see her the following morning. She was all settled in and more at peace and calmer than she'd been for months, and eager to go down for meals and get involved in the activities with other residents. I do think giving her time 'on her own' to get to know the staff, meet other residents without the disruption of family going in and out helped her. Her dementia was advanced enough though that she veered from thinking she was home because she had her familiar furniture and ornaments about to thinking she was in a 'nice hotel' and would be going home when 'vacation' was over. We just went along with whatever she said.

She was there for almost 8 years until we lost her to Covid in 2021. By the time she died she didn't know who or where she was, nor did she know us. She was just a shell, biding her time. I thank God for the dedicated people who cared for her, I don't know what we would have done without their kindness and compassion. Dementia is a bastard, truly the 'long goodbye'.