Just don't know what the fuck to do

[MolliciousIntent]

My husband's oldest friend's baby daughter is very, very sick, and reading between the lines of the most recent update, I think she's probably going to die.

I'm sitting with my newborn on my lap 100 miles away and I have no fucking clue what to do. I feel sick to my stomach and paralysed by the very idea of it and I need to support my husband to support his friend but I can't even begin to comprehend how something like this can even happen. In 3 hours my husband will be home and he's going to need me and I have no idea if I'm even going to be able to form a sentence without sobbing.

I can't decide if I need a handhold or a kick up the arse.

Oh how terrible. That poor family.

Right this very minute, I think you need a handhold. No kick up the arse from me.

This must be such a shock, and terribly poignant as you care for your own baby.

It wouldn't be surprising if it made you more anxious about your baby's health and well-being - not bad in itself as long as it doesn't create problems or over-anxiety.

How are you feeling? How do you think your DH will be feeling? It's would be ok to talk with him while sobbing - that's what partners do. And it's (obviously) ok if he sobs too.

Maybe you or he could send a text/WhatsApp message to the friends to say you're thinking of them and baby [name]? That they can call any time.

Then just take one step at a time. Cherish your own baby but don't feel guilty for having a healthy child.

How awful! Can you perhaps focus on what you might be able to do to support them in a practical sense?

cry together, it's okay op. I'm so sorry for your family and your friends family there are no words for something as sad as this. Sending you my love.

I think this is what is making me feel so shit, because if we were still living there I'd be cooking dinner, walking the dog, sending my husband to take him out for a pint, taking a shift at the hospital so they can rest etc, but I can't do any of the things I'd usually do cs we're 100 miles away and I have a newborn and a toddler.

I've looked into trains for my husband to go down there, found the money in the budget, but I can't do anything else. I can literally just cry. Where the fuck is my magic wand!?

I don't know the circumstances but when my DH and I were in this position there was nothing anyone could really do to help us. We went very insular at the hospital to protect our family unit. I know not everyone is the same of course but I wonder if the helping (apart from calls or texts of love and support) might come later/ down the line.

Sometimes it’s absolutely fine to not know what to do and just sit and cry for a while. This is one of those times. You can provide any and all support and I’m sure you will, but right now, there isn’t much that you can do for that poor family so it’s ok to sit and cry.

Dont forget that your body has recently been through a lot and your hormones will be all over, you’ll probably also be reflecting on your own child / mortality / fragility of life etc.

Chat to your husband when he’s home about how you can help but for now, have a cup of tea and a cuddle with your baby and a good cry.

OP, I'm so, so sorry. Please don't berate yourself for not being there in person - though it''s slightly different when I was very ill in hospital a couple of years ago and there were doubts about whether I'd live, the only people who visited were DP, my parents and a friend of 20+ years who's a GP. It didn't occur to me at the time that my lifelong best friend should come to see me (she's an hour away) because in those circumstances you are so hunkered down and in your bubble/cocoon. I'll be thinking of you and that poor family and their beautiful baby.

You can't do or say anything, you just need to listen x

How awful, here's a handhold from me for you to pass on to baby's parents, when they need it x

You’re in a very vulnerable place emotionally with a new baby if your own.
Don’t worry about crying over your husband, with your husband or in on your own. TBH if their baby passes away there’s very little you can do apart from offer love and support. They’ll be wrapped up in arrangements, paperwork and so on, that carries you along for a while. Later on, after the funeral, that’s when everyone falls away and for the bereaved reality kicks in. You will feel emotionally stronger by then and will be able to offer far more support.
Fir now, take it an hour at a time, 5 minutes at a time if you need to. And cry when you need to, there’s a lot to cry about and I’m so sorry their baby is so poorly.