Friend disappointment

[Bronzeturtle]

I know this sounds so pathetic, but I’ve been upset by something that happened with a friend recently.
I’ve always struggled to make friends. I do try- but I’m always a bit on the outside of things.
I made a friend who had a similar aged child to mine and we would meet up most weeks. Sometimes we’ve gone out for a drink or dinner. I invited her out for my birthday meal and I honestly thought we were good friends.
It was her birthday last week and I asked her if she was doing anything nice- she said she was out for brunch with her husband. I gave her a card and some flowers on the day.
my friend is in a mum clique that doesn’t involve me. I’m friends with three of the members and know the other 3 well enough to casually chat to. They socialise together, go on holidays etc. always those 6.
I found out from one of the other clique mums that they’d gone out for her birthday meal together.
it hurt me that she doesn’t consider me a good enough friend to invite out for her birthday meal. I feel she’s a good friend. I suppose she views me as an acquaintance type friend. I’m good enough for day time meets when her real friends are at work- but not good enough for celebrations.
I just feel so pathetic that I value our friendship so much more than she does.
I feel hurt and left out.
I thought I’d left this all behind me when I left school- but it still hurts.
If she had told me she was having a meal out with them then it wouldn’t have been as bad. She didn’t tell me as it would have been awkward for her to basically show me how they are her proper friends and I’m just not.
I feel like there must be something intrinsically unlikeable about me.
I’ve never had a big group of friends like that or a best friend and basically I’m jealous.
I told you it was pathetic.

To me it sounds like this is a group of friends who do social things and one of their things is going out together when one of them has a birthday and none of them invite others. And that's how it's been forever.

It's not that they don't like other people or want to be friends with others. But that group dynamic is special to them.

It doesn't mean she doesn't like your company. Friendships bring different things.

If you enjoy her friendship don't let these thoughts spoil it. Over time she may invite you to events with the others. And you invite to yours.

Maybe she didn't tell you because it was surprise or she didn't think it was of interest to you.

Also remember we look in on these relationship thinking it's all love, laughter, hugs and joy. They seem so confident socially etc. !!! bet they are a insecure as you feel lot of the time.

I have felt like this lots. I also cope better in smaller groups of friends and not bigger groups. I'm learning to focus on looking at who I know in my life who I like and I've built up some great friendships that way.

Thanks for replying. I would just so love to be part of a group of female friends- but it’s never happened. I don’t know how to develop a group of friends like that.

Bless you op.

How long have you known her? Do you know the others fairly well?

It sounds like you are a good friend to her, you're just not really part of that specific group. I kind of get that. I have a group of close girlfriends that I've known for years, and a few other individual friends.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable inviting one of my individual friends to an event with my long term group. They're just completely different to each other and the dynamic would be very different. We talk about things that happened 15 years ago, family histories, old memories.

If we invited a new person along we would not be able to have they type of conversations we usually would. The in jokes would be lost, and we have such an established friendship in the group I think all involved would feel awkward.

I personally don't like mixing friendship dynamics. I wouldn't want to intentionally leave 1 person out, but at the same time I wouldn't want to mix my long term group with my newer individual friends. Partly because I know a couple of them wouldn't get along.

@faggyhagger I’ve know 3 of them for about 4 years I guess- we all had kids that started reception at the same time. The other three I know through stuff like kids clubs, village life, church etc. we live in a village- Everyone knows everyone eventually! Me and friend have since had more children around the same age so we’ve been seeing more of each other in the last 18months as we’re about in the day and go to soft play/ parks/ toddler friendly stuff.
One of the others has a kid in the same class as my eldest and we some times go for coffee after drop off or share party lifts etc. more than a casual acquaintance- but not close as such.A another lives on my street and we’ll water plants/ feed pets etc when away or take it parcels. That sort of level of familiarlity. Another I used to go to a baby group ( years ago) and we have talked a lot recently about loosing our parents at similar times and how hard it’s been coping with Terminally Illparents- I thought quite a close friend to discuss such sensitive stuff- but now I question it.