What to say at father's funeral?

[Comfortablynumbum]

It's my dad's funeral this week. He was taken suddenly and unexpectedly last month, he was only 62.

The celebrant will be doing the eulogy, but as my dad's only child I feel like I have to say something and a poem just doesn't feel personal enough.

I don't think I'll manage anything long anyway but just feels right to say something. Has anyone done something similar and what angle did you take with what you said?

I'm really sorry for your loss. 💐

I've given a eulogy, also for my dad.

I always always sit at funerals & wish the person speaking had prepared better & written out their speech. Otherwise people tend to ramble, get upset (understandably) & fail to mention key information.

Decide what you want to say - it's fine to be brief.

You could say a little about his life, childhood, career (if relevant), what mattered to him (family, hobby, sport).

You could share a story about how much he meant to you. A way he helped you. A funny shared experience.

And as it was sudden, it's fine to acknowledge that & how shocked & devastated you are.

I typed mine, spaced it out well and spoke slowly. I wanted to get it right & I was happy with it. I included some anecdotes about early life, what he was like as a father. I made sure to mention my mum & those who'd cared for him. I didn't really need my notes but it was good to have them. I wrote it with my brother & we delivered it together & my other two siblings stood beside us.

Whatever you say will be perfect - just plan it out & take your time ❤️

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Try writing your dad a letter. What would you say? Would you share a memory? Would you say what you will miss? Would you make a comment about ‘that joke’ or what he did to embarrass you in your teenage years? Let the pen take you on a journey, it will give you a starting place from which to form your words.

when you have it written, practice reading it out loud, even if your voice breaks. Have it in large print so you can read it if your sight gets blurry, and give your celebrant a copy so they can continue if you can’t.

I hope the day goes as well as possible for you.

So sorry for your loss Comfortablynumbum.

If you want to add something after the celebrant gives the eulogy perhaps you could write your dad a letter and read that? It doesn't have to be long, just something you would want to say to him.

FWIW at my mum's funeral my sister and I wrote the eulogy and the celebrant read it but none of us stood up to say anything. We just didn't feel up to it. I have never regretted that.

@EarringsandLipstick Lovely, thoughtful advice.

Wishing you all the best OP, sorry for your loss.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

If the celebrant is doing the eulogy, could you think of a memory you could share? Could be about a shared experience or hobby, a time when he really stepped up for you, or a tender recollection (eg if he became a grandad). That way you could keep it quite brief but talk from the heart. Do practice what you want to say, and give a copy to your celebrant, in case the emotion takes over on the day and you can't manage to speak.

My dad is 85 and not in good health so I have thought about this. When the time comes I would like to say a short piece about his good qualities, how much he loved my mum and brother and me, and tell a story about him from my childhood. I would keep it short, just a few minutes really.

After the eulogy my father in law said “ Goodbye Mum, thank you for all the love”. That was all that was needed.,

Very sorry for your loss OP.

I think it's important to really accept that actually you don't have to speak publically and people will not expect it, it has no bearing either way on the appearance of grief or the depth of it. I know you say it feels right to and that is also more than fine and very admirable but the former is still absolutely the case. It has no bearing on how much he was loved.

If you wanted to and felt able, you could perhaps tell a story or anecdote about him that best reflected the qualities you most loved, or the ways you most fondly remember him. Alternatively a poem or piece of prose that feels appropriate can be less pressure on the day when grief can be overwhelming. I recently attended a service for someone who deeply loved to garden and there was a beautiful poem about a garden read aloud by a family member that really in the moment felt like you could just imagine them in that garden and was beautiful.

As for my own attempt, public speaking is something I struggle with and so I chose not to put myself through any additional dread then necessary on the day when there is so much else going on. I wrote a letter privately and read it aloud at home and toasted my loved one and I felt that was just as meaningful. Do whatever feels best for you.

I had my mum's funeral 2 weeks ago.

The vicar read the eulogy which was a summary of her life.

I spoke about what she meant to me. I said what I felt was special and how her presence in my life had positively affected me and shared my favourite memories.

Good luck, OP x

My deepest sympathy to you, @Comfortablynumbum and to others who have lost a loved one.

Don't feel under pressure to say something, but I understand where you are coming from. You could tell the celebrant some of the things that you would like to be said. It might be easier, as it will be emotional for you.
And then, if you wished you could keep your own contribution short. Some lovely suggestions from previous posters.

I did one for both my Nan and my Grandad. I spoke to everyone in my family and asked if there were any memories they wanted to share.

I spoke for ages (but my Mum has 6 siblings and I have a lot of cousins) and everyone had a memory.

It was a mixture of funny and honest.

I was terrified, but I practised with my Step Dad who told me to look at him. He gave me a stern but encouraging look every time I went to falter.

Just remember, nobody expects it to be perfect, everyone will know you are emotional. Speak from the heart, and don't say anything you don't mean is my advice. Knowing everything you say is true and that my grandparents would have appreciated it is what also got me through.

I'm so sorry. I didnt speak at my DF's funeral. Instead I chose particular pieces of music (no hymns), he had military honors, flags and the padre read a poem on my behalf. I couldnt say anything I was just overwhelmed. It was packed and a real celebration of his life.

You can only do what you can do.

Thanks @HeartshapedFox ❤️

Great advice here, including that it's ok not to speak - that's absolutely the case.

Take care OP