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Original poster

Am I in trouble at work?

29 replies

Thecakewhisperer9 · 09/05/2022 14:14

For background before I begin: I was abused as a child along with my 4 siblings by our parents. It continued until I was a teenager and ran away to start a life alone. I tried to help my siblings but they turned on me and accused me of lying about the abuse, taking our parents side and to this day still have a relationship with them and made me the black sheep. I haven’t seen them for 3-5 years but I know vague details of their lives/ where they live etc as we still have mutual friends and live fairly local. I’ve been very lucky to never bump into my ‘parents’ or had any contact so my life has worked out great for me ever since as I was always terrified they’d hunt me down and force me to come back.

Today my mother walked in to my place of work and came over to be served. I noticed her immediately as I got a horrible feeling and sensed something wasn’t right before I looked up and recognised who was coming towards me. In fear I ran away out of the back door to the kitchen and asked a staff member to serve as I’m feeling very unwell. They told me they cannot serve and I need to go out and serve ‘the lady’ waiting to place her order. I refused and went to the toilets to cry. Luckily someone else did serve and she left before knowing I worked there, but I was in an awful state shaking and crying as it brought back all the abuse I’d endured for many years. If she knew I worked there she may come in often to intimidate me and I would have to leave so I had no choice but to hide for my own safety and security.

I somehow managed to continue with my shift until lunch and came home as normal. I just received an email from my manager telling me to come in early tomorrow as my actions were very unprofessional and they need to speak to me. I’m scared I will lose my job. It took me a lot of effort to get any job when I had no home or money at 15 so I have worked hard to get where I am just for my so called mother to ruin something else for me. If I come clean is it possible my manager will be sympathetic and give me another chance or do I continue with the feeling unwell story for confidentiality?
thanks for reading and sorry it’s so rushed I’m still shaking and my partner is at work so I have no one to have a proper conversation with about it until later tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thecakewhisperer9 · 09/05/2022 14:15

Also name changed as I never tell anyone my background I’m a regular on the TTC board though

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 09/05/2022 14:16

I would speak to your manager. Explain that you were in shock, and hopefully they will be sympathetic.

itsasmallworldafterall · 09/05/2022 14:17

No you won't be in trouble but you do need to tell them the truth at the meeting

chickyellowcute · 09/05/2022 14:17

they probably just want to issue a verbal/1st warning and find out what happened. If you explain and ask how to handle it in future I'm sure they will understand. They might not even issue the warning given the circumstances

Beamur · 09/05/2022 14:19

I would tell your manager some of what you have said here. You shouldn't lose your job over this. Don't stick with the feeling unwell story as that doesn't really ring true. Hope it works out ok for you.

TooManyPJs · 09/05/2022 14:19

Definitely tell them.

Billandben444 · 09/05/2022 14:21

Tell the manager the truth and then think about getting professional help - well done for rebuilding your life but incidents like this could trigger some bad stuff for you 💐

RatherBeRiding · 09/05/2022 14:23

I think you have to be honest - explain you were completely blindsided and didn't know how to react in the heat of the moment. Also be in complete agreement that you didn't act professionally and be very apologetic but stress that you were terrified at coming face to face with your abuser again after all these years. I would be astonished if your manager was anything other than sympathetic once made aware of the situation, but don't try to minimise either your shock and horror at seeing your mother, or the unprofessionalism of running away from your post.

Cuck00soup · 09/05/2022 14:23

I would tell your manager and ask them to support you she comes in again. If you need to go out back, someone covers you, no questions asked type thing.

I'm sorry it sounds horrible Flowers

Insidelaurashead · 09/05/2022 14:27

I've been a union rep for people in meetings like this and honesty is always the best policy. Think of how it currently looks to your managers. They think you maybe fancied a break or something and slacked off, and sod the customer. That isn't what happened, at all, but the only way they can know that and support you is if you tell them. I'd imagine they will want to check you are alright once they know the truth OP

growinggreyer · 09/05/2022 14:31

I think you should rewrite your OP to be much shorter and send it as an email to your manager now so that they can think things over tonight. Otherwise they are going to have a preconceived notion of how the meeting tomorrow will go and might not be able to stop and rethink. Good luck Flowers

OuiWeeOui · 09/05/2022 14:47

You know the whole story , your manager doesn’t
They are coming into this blind and are just going on your reason and reaction
Any manager worth their salt would support you once they knew
I’m so sorry though that would have shook me up too

AffIt · 09/05/2022 14:53

As PPs have said, honesty is the best policy here - assuming your manager is a fairly decent person and you have a reasonably good relationship with them, I'd come clean, say that you panicked and fled (and also make a point of thanking the colleague that helped you out).

They may, however, ask you for a plan of how to manage things if the same situation happens again in the future, and that's something I would advise you to prepare for.

WhenDovesFly · 09/05/2022 14:55

If it was me I'd be very open and honest with my manager. I'd tell them, in confidentiality, that you were the victim of childhood abuse and 'the lady' who was approaching the desk was your abuser, which made you have a panic attack and flee from the situation. Hopefully they'll be sympathetic when they know the reason. You do need to work out a coping strategy though, because your mother could walk in again and I don't think your employer would take to kindly to you just running out back every time it happened.

Original poster
Thecakewhisperer9 · 09/05/2022 14:57

Thank you everyone you have all made me feel better for getting it off my chest. I’m making notes so I can explain to them as I find it hard to say out loud what happened to me. I spoke to my partner on his break and he told me I should start job hunting because she may come back which has scared me more. Next time I might not be able to hide in time or at all.

OP posts:
Sirius3030 · 09/05/2022 15:12

What f*ing planet are we on?! My heart breaks for you. No of course you shouldn’t be in trouble at work. Just tell / outline the truth and you should be fine. Very best wishes.

Drinkingallthewine · 09/05/2022 15:17

My friend had a very similar experience. Her abusive relative walked in to her public facing workplace and she bolted out the back.
Her management were quite supportive and understanding of the issue. They discussed strategies that would work for both the office and friend if the situation arose again.

Hopefully that's all you'll face tomorrow.

Viviennemary · 09/05/2022 15:23

I think once you've explained it will most likely be fine. But you can't make a habit of it.

Sauvignonblanket · 09/05/2022 15:24

I think @growinggreyer has given good advice - the quicker you can help your manager see your side the better.

pippinsleftleg · 09/05/2022 15:26

I agree with PP who said you should email before the meeting with an explanation - they will then be prepared for the meeting you need to have.

myceliumama · 09/05/2022 15:30

Op you couldn't get into trouble for this so you need to explain. My partner had to tell his boss something intensely private and personal and was absurdly dreading not only the telling but also the reaction playing out on his bosses face. He sent a very brief 3-4 sentence email to his boss explaining and a few hours later his boss replied with nothing but professionalism , offers of support and sympathy for his situation. They never had to discuss it face to face and it was still dealt with in a manner that let them both preserve their working relationship. I really think that emailing or texting your boss now would be the best as it gives him time to work through his own reaction and doesn't make you feel judged/embarrassed etc.

You sound awesome. I'm glad you are away from your parents.

ChateauMargaux · 09/05/2022 15:36

You could put the facts in writing to your boss so that you dont have to say them in person tomorrow.

zoop1 · 09/05/2022 16:08

First of all, huge sympathies for what you have been through.

Given the sensitive and upsetting nature of what you have to share, based on my experience managing people, I think doing something like @myceliumama's partner did would be helpful. I would suggest sending a very brief email today, apologising and explaining whilst going into the absolute minimum of detail and expressing that you will see them at the agreed time tomorrow.
Along the lines of "I apologise for my unprofessional actions today. The customer who came into the restaurant(?) inflicted sustained abuse upon me during my childhood and I had a visceral reaction of fear on seeing her. I will see you a X:XX time tomorrow as per your email."

I think explaining the reason for your reaction in the briefest possible meaningful way like this will make it easier for both you and your manager to deal with emotions and will mean you can use the meeting tomorrow to address what will happen in the future.

This is not an area in which I have expertise, but I know there is a page on the NSPCC website www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/non-recent-abuse/ for adult survivors of childhood abuse, where they signpost various types of support, including the National Association for People Abused in Childhood who have a free, confidential support line - I wonder if they might be helpful if you wanted to speak to one of their trained staff?

Best of luck.

Original poster
Thecakewhisperer9 · 09/05/2022 16:51

Thank you all so much, zoop1 that sounds fantastic I will email him that and hope that it doesn’t go any further tomorrow.

It’s not that I want sympathy or to be treated differently, I know it’s unprofessional to walk away and a leave the counter and till unsupervised, but I didn’t think and just wanted to get away. If it was to happen again I would have to hide again because there is no way I could face her, and I’m sure that would mean I’m not suitable for my job as I will probably be checking every customer from now on and being very jumpy when usually I’m very sociable and have good relationships with the regulars.

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 09/05/2022 16:57

Are you tied to where you live?
Could this maybe the the instigator for you moving further afield?

If you work in a chain company then could you be transferred somewhere else away from all those people from your childhood, move and start fresh?

That's a long term plan with lots of costs involved and a whole lot of pain but it feels like you're never really going to be free and relaxed whilst you're living locally to them.