Memorial Bench in cemetery

[iivegottaquestion]

If there's a bench in a cemetery with a plaque on it in someone's memory, would you sit on it if you didn't know them or are you not supposed to? It's right beside that persons grave too.

The benches are for everyone.

If it's a bench in a public place then I'd assume anyone can sit on it.

Yes you may sit on it. The name plaque is the family's payback for sponsoring the bench, if you see what I mean (here it is about £800 for a new bench, you pay that to the council and they construct a bench, and put a plaque on with your wording within limits) Anyone can sit, it is for all.
I hope you're okay, cemeteries can be a bit depressing places.

It's for everyone.
I usually say a silent hello to the person on a bench plaque before sitting down.

Yes. The benches are for everyone. I used to live in an area that had 100s of the,. Honestly I’ve never seen a place with so many memorial benches and many of them have plaques about how X enjoyed the view, spent many happy hours here, share it for a while.

I'm ok thank you.

I just wondered what the etiquette is as my grandmothers bench has been in use the last few times I've been.

I've just spent some time by the grave instead and not said anything but some relatives have been a bit taken aback over it so I wanted to see what other people thought so I could remind them not to get too territorial!

@Sapphirensteel New Brighton?

I do the same. Or if I’m with someone and looking to sit down I say “shall we sit on [plaque name]’s bench?” A walk we take has so many, it’s nice to think of other people being there and being loved.

This can be a reason why some cemeteries (as opposed to other public places) don't permit benches with inscriptions etc on them, as they don't want people to feel excluded. Or they are worried that families might want inscriptions on them that somehow give people the impression they aren't for public use. [Speak with bitter experience of a village wrangle on this point.]

Yes, they are for everyone to sit on and take in the peace and quiet of the cemetery. I really like cemeteries - I think they're full of memories, and fascinating markers of history (war graves, Victorian 'weeping angels', headstones of different religions across time), as well as all the wildlife and the trees of various species.

I live in a city and my local cemetery is a real oasis of calm and sanctuary, and I appreciate all the benches and their plaques.

Memorial benches in public such as parks are for anyone. In a cemetery it's different because they're on the actual grave and often have personal items on, toys, flowers, photos etc. I wouldn't sit on that, it seems a bit personal. No harm done if someone just needs to sit down and the family aren't at the grave, but it wouldn't be my first choice to sit. There are often other benches.

It’s a bit different in the actual cemetery so I can see why your family may feel a bit territorial.

And they're not really public benches if the family has paid for it to go on the grave site.

I think this is what's bothering my family that it's a plaque matching the details on the grave beside it, not just in a park.

As long as nobody is defacing it or doing anything to cause damage it doesn't bother me, I think they just expected to be able to sit by the grave when ever they wanted and have been surprised to find strangers there!

Not all of them. In our cemetery the bench concerned is to the side of the graves but dedicated to one person. It's a lovely piece of woodwork, but caused controversy because people worried that it would set a trend for personalised yet 'public' benches, etc, that might make for some difficult conversations with bereaved families.

Yeah, I think it's one of them things that you wouldn't mind, but if you were visiting the grave of a loved one, and it's directly on the grave, you expect to be able to sit there.

In my local cemetery, the benches aren't literally on the graves. They're placed at the edge of the paths close to graves.

The Council is quite strict about can go on a grave, so that the cemetery can be properly maintained.

I don't think I've ever seen a bench right next to a grave - unless the grave is an end plot. But certainly in our village cemetery I have sat on the benches when visiting other graves. You usually get the plot the person is buried in for 99 years - not the land surrounding it - that is communal.

That's how most of them are here but because of the position of the grave (there's a tree blocking the space for the next plot so it's empty) they were able to put it closer than they usually would so you are literally sat beside the grave not across the path from it.

I live near a huge cemetery. There's public benches along the main path, then there's memorial benches against the outer walls. And on some actual graves there are small benches that have obviously been placed there as an adornment by the families, some are even fenced in and have their own gate for the larger graves.

I organised a gofundme for memorial benches for a good friend who died last year. He has two memorial benches in popular spots so there is invariably someone sitting on them when I visit. It doesn't bother me at all, in fact I'm happy that so many people see his name before they sit down.

I visited one of the benches last week and the man sitting on it overheard me when I pointed the it out to the friend who was with me. He stood up and said would I like to sit down and I said no that's fine. I don't regard the bench as belonging to anyone in particular.

They are definitely for everyone’s use. They are in a public cemetery, not a back garden. Your family has no more right to sit on it than anyone else once it’s in place.

I know it isn't in a garden. I was just asking whether people would sit there or whether they wouldn't feel right doing so. Before we got this bench I have never sat on a memorial bench in a cemetery, it just felt inappropriate somehow.

I would argue that we do have more right to sit there as we paid hundreds of pounds, wrote the personal plaque and organised everything with the registrar so it was fitted in an appropriate place. And it's in memory of someone we loved very much.

That's not to say I'm overly bothered if other people have a sit down, I've just kept quiet and sat on the grass when it's happened to me. I just find it a little odd that people would choose to sit on a memorial bench so we close to that persons grave 🤷🏼‍♀️ and more so that they don't move on when family arrive!

The person or people already sitting, might be lost in a private sad reverie, or be praying, shrouded in their own sadness grieving their Nanna who is in the next grave along, and not notice that people want them to budge up or shove off? It is a public amenity, try to not be territorial. You don't have more right to sit there than anybody else, and I am surprised the authorities didn't explain this to you all more clearly.
So to answer your question, yes I have sat on all the benches in our local cemetery over the years, and in various other ones too.
This does not take away from the fact that I acknowledge you are still grieving someone you loved very much, I am so sorry for your loss.