Self-harm advice wanted

[LifeInsideMyhead]

Hello,

I noticed this morning that my daughter (13) is self harming. I noticed a few months back a few marks on her arm I recognised (I used to when I was in my 20s) but they were small, she had an excuse, and does tend to "pick" at scabs so I let it go as didn't want to suggest otherwise if it wasn't if that makes sense.

However this morning I noticed she had a big patch plaster on her leg - I asked what happened and it was when she said she "fell over at school" I was suspicious. I did say "oh gosh are you okay?" but when I lifted her school skirt I could see another mark next to it on her leg - I think must be old.

They are small and superficial, so I am not worried in that sense, but I am worried that she is doing this - and obviously where it can lead to. I have some knowledge around this (that it doesn't mean they want to kill themselves/ that it often does "feel good" and could be either exploratory sensory or a way to relieve tension.)However when it is your own daughter all that flies out the window and I am not sure how to "handle" it.

We were out for an appointment, so I took her for a drive and a costa before going back to school - and then did tell her that I "knew" what it was on her leg. I also told her she wasn't in trouble, that I wasn't going to make a "thing" of it, but that I knew, and wanted her to know I know, that I loved her. I asked if she knew about "alternatives" (like the band) and she nodded and if anyone else knew but she was so so so embarrassed and didn't want to push it.

Of course I want her to not feel shame and be able to talk to me about it but she obviously hasn't been able to. And I don't want to make her if she can't. And I don't know at what point I need to involve someone else.

She seems to be happy enough. She is autistic so does have extreme emotions, but I don' tthink is currently depressed. I could believe it could be just exploratory and liking the feeling... but I don't know..

Help?

(NB - I've name changed again for this for obvious reasons)

Bumping ...

Hello, sorry you're going through this OP it must be incredibly difficult. Your daughter is lucky to have a parent like you that genuinely cares about her well being. I would say that you need to have a frank and open discussion with her. Name what is happening rather than hint about it. Talking about it plainly will make it feel less shameful to her. Ask her why she does it and when. Find out what it is that is worrying her or what she is struggling with. If she really doesn't want to talk to you about it then give her the option of speaking to a counsellor, her choice. Explain to her that it isn't a healthy way of dealing with things and that she may regret her choice to self harm as scars last forever and it can be very distressing if people continually ask you about them. If you feel this is exploratory due to autism, I still feel that she needs to be guided to healthier ways of exploring both sensation and emotion as this is not a habit that can be easily broken. I have very little experience of autism if I am honest but as a parent you know your child best so whatever advice is given in this thread I am sure you are capable of tailoring it to your daughter's needs. I self harmed as a teen and I wish my parents cared as much as you do. Wishing you all the best x

Speak to your DSL and SENDCO at school. They can look at providing greater support for her and possibly set up a safety plan where she can access first aid in a private, safe environment without having to say in public why; first aiders deal with many children and can sometimes, as they are purely there to check any wounds, be told about other injuries that you might not be aware of. The DSL and SENDCO along with her Head of Year can also consider whether there are any dynamics between other students that have contributed to her making this decision.

You seem to be talking about the self harm, rather than what caused her to self harm.

The self harm its self needs nothing more than is it clean, do you need first aid? Then leave the self harm behind (for now) and focus on how shes feeling

What is happening in her life? What emotions can she name that she is feeling? What was the trigger? Talk a lot about what happened to make her feel like this.

Important one to get to - is the a stand alone issue or ongoing? For example cutting yourself because person H keeps calling you names might be solved by tackling the bullying. But if the bullying stopped, would the anxiety also go it will it stay? Ongoing issues need different approaches than discrete incidents that cause acute emotions and then pass.

If you have an ongoing mental health issue, seek a referral to a professional. They can teach her health ways to manage difficult emotions.

If it's a one-off issue causing the difficult emotions - don't focus on the feelings and emotions. Focus on problem solving the issue together. The feelings may be totally understandable given the situation, so they ding need 'solving' as such.

When DD was going through this she saw a psychologist and it really helped. We were told it wasn’t serious enough for CAMHS so did it privately.

one thing suggested by the psychologist which helped a lot was simply for DD to identify the times when she felt most likely to self harm and that I would go and sit with her during those times- not to talk about anything deep and meaningful, just to hang out.

How are you financially? If I had had proper support, right at the start, I think I would have had a very different experience with SH...

For me, the biggest issue was the addictive nature of it. At my worst, I would be regularly injuring myself 50+ times a day, often fairly seriously. Once that habit forming had kicked in, no one could get through to me, because there was nothing that could replicate the feeling of focus, relief and 'quiet' brain that SH could. It took me many years to get a grip on it (and threats from Social Services regarding my DC as an adult) and I still haven't entirely. If I am panicking, or struggling with too much simulation, the ONLY thing that helps is burning myself, though in a controled manner now.

If either of my children ever start, I will have them at the best therapist I can find, as fast as I can. I'd want to stop it, or put in effective coping strategies (bands/ice did NOT work for me, destroying other things does, if in time), before it became a true habit (like when it's an auto response to lack of/over stimulation, or distress, rather than 'trying' it, or sporadic SH).

Thanks everyone.

I think the shock has died down a little. I self harmed in my early 20s so have some understanding but I was in quite a different place to her currently.

I don't want to go in all guns blazing I don't think. It's very small at the moment so not at the stage of needing first aid at school, but as mentioned above its the addictive nature of it and where it might lead to that worries me. Or if it becomes her "default" for handing big emotions.

We did talk about it earlier, but as it was the first time I'd broached it with her and I remember the shock myself of first talking about it (admittedly with a psychologist...) I didn't want to go into all the ins and outs. I did ask if she knew to keep it clean, that she can always come to me if it needs cleaning etc, and I did tell her that it was something I did when unwell in the 20s so I was aware it could become addictive and we need to seek other methods.

However, although we are fairly open about stuff (periods/talked abour sexuality etc) this was, underatandably soemthing she wasn't keen to talk about just then. She kept saying she didnt want to talk about it now so I talked a little at her and then said we'd chat another time, but I love her and it will be okay.

She kept telling me it was "ages ago" and I don't think they are deep, but there wrre several scratches on her arm. Earlier this year she had a thing about cutting her hair.... she made a fringe, and kept trimming it.. she likes the feel I think.

IF it is just exploratory/small and it can be handled without a big thing then i dont want to turn it into something it isnt/normalise it for her. But equally I want to have a chat with her in a few days and see what's going on for her and get it right (hence this conversation.)

She's the happiest I've seen her... now has friends, likes school etc so I do wonder if its sensory- but equallly know how addictive that can be.

If we think we do have to involve senco etc I need to really think that through and not rush to go there. Or make a plan for that next time it happens. Her school is fab and she already sees someone every few weeks to discuss school adjustments, but I also want some time first.

I think I'm just rabbiting as I was so shocked. But really do need to tread so delicately.

We don't have extended family/close family friends she could talk to unfortunately. I think I can see this be her needing some help in furture but I want to work alongside her rather than scare her off if that makes sense.

Oh she is only 13 😭. She has been very happy and affectionate (for her!) This evening. I wonder if its because its not a secret. Or who knows....

Just to clarify-

• we did talk directly not hint.
• im meaning the whole package of "self harm". I am not at all currnetly worried about wounds.
• I am worried she is reading some books sround mental illness and is in a girls school. I know it isnt "catching" but I also know these things contribute.
• yes love the idea when we talk again of idnetifying the times she feels like it (I do wonder if its after a meltdown when she hates all of us/life). Also find out if there's triggers she's happy to tell me. I think its twice.... but there might be other patches.

We have like no money. I agree help would be better before it got our of hand. And it would be nowhere near a cahms referal in this current climate.

I really realky appreciate everyone who has posted and helping me think about this. And also for people sharing their difficulr stuff too. Thankyou x

Sorry Ive typed too much 🤦🏼‍♀️

There is a good app called calm harm which focuses on the impulse that drives self harm - it was designed by a psychologist so there is proper info behind it. Download it and have a look to see what you think but it could be a good way to divert some of her negative energy.

With me, it definitely started as a sensory thing. I just learnt very fast that the sensory outlet helped in lots of situations, not just a giving a different feeling (I had a lot of trauma too). If you think sensory, rather than distress, I would be tempted to suggest that idea next time you talk, and provide a wide variety of sensory objects, including non-damaging 'painful' ones, but avoiding anything traditionally SH related. Teasles and those sandpaper/hair removal pad things spring to mind, but also some nice fiddly, strokey things. (I can normally get the sensory feeling from scratching soft things if I catch it in time, then heated spoons, but I'd avoid those incase of leaps to actual burning.)

If it's just an 'interesting' and different feeling, or really feeling something, she might be aware that that's what she likes about it, but not want to say so. I certainly didn't! Made me feel like a massive freak.

(This is from my own experience only. No actual experience, other than serious self harm starting from sensory oddities.)

Herja that is really really helpful. I had already wondered about gettting her a "picking plate" I saw online somewhere (cos she kept picking scabs...) . It was lots of scratchy to remove blobs . Not sure what the blobs were but will go google.

Im so worried that by making it a thing and acknowlwdging it feels good( I rememeber) I dont inadvertently push her back towards it or encourage it somehow.

The pick pallettes look greay fun (I wamt one) amd I could see help with the urge... but cime with a sharp pointy thing 🤦🏼‍♀️.