How do you keep the spark alive in your relationship?

[NalPolishRemover]

Just that really. Dh & I have been together a long time, almost 25 years. We've always been best friends & I would say we have (had) a very good relationship over the years .

Now we're late 40s / early 50s & things are becoming a little unstuck between us. We're bickering far more than we used to & we're letting the pressures of life intrude in a detrimental way.

We have all the usual pressures of this age - teen dc, elderly parents, busy career, mortgage, house maintenance, bills etc etc

Added to this dh is studying for an extra qualification at the moment & he's under pressure fitting this in too making him very preoccupied most of the time . He's self employed in a creative field & one of the recurring arguments we've had over the years is him failing to find a work / life balance & not letting his work & deadlines dominate every aspect of our family life.

I am currently the main earner & have been for the past 3 or 4 years now. I work in a related sector to dh & our professional lives totally overlap in all sorts of ways. This is a both a good & bad thing.

The teen dc is around lot & we get very little private life. I understand that this is a very finite time / phase & in a very short 2 years or so dc will be away in university & things will change again.

We had an argument last night because dc was staying over in a friends house & we finally had some time alone. This has been in short supply recently. Dh has a college assignment deadline coming up & he spent from 9.30am - 10pm out of the house working on it. He had dinner when he came home & then fell asleep. I'd made dinner & ate mine alone & kept his to reheat

I know he's under pressure & coming to the end of his course. I understand that but I still expected something more from him. I thought he'd be glad we had some alone time. We rowed last night but we've spoken this morning & it was good. We cleared the air a bit.
The bottom line is we love each other & we see we've let life intrude too much. I felt like I was no longer a priority for him & everything else was more important.

We know we need to fix this but until he's finished his studies money is tight so no possibility of dashing off for romantic weekends etc

What ways do you stay connected to your partners specially if you've been married a very long time? I'm open to all ideas / suggestions that we can use to find our way back to making each other the top priority. I'm not looking for grand gestures but I don't want to live in this 'it will all be better when x or y is done' manner because there will always be something to deal with

I want us to be happy & really connected again & he wants the same. Please tell me what works for you ?

Thanks

You could have sat with him while he had his meal, and chatted ?
Just do something simple and quick like go for a coffee together. This time will pass, you can see the end in sight.
Just accept it’s got to be gone through. Have you got a holiday planned to look forward to ?

Do small things together. Watch a half hour comedy curled up on the sofa together. Put on music you both adored when you were first together either in the morning when you have coffee or on an evening when you are cooking together.

Chat about the future - what you want to do together - big and small plans - travel, long term, exhibitions coming up etc. Ask each other's opinions on work. Celebrate small things together. He finished an essay? have a glas sof wine or slice of cake or go to a movie or out for a walk together.

Keep your shared sense of humour alive. DH and I listen to radio comedy shows together and mess around with each other, doing word play and saying stupid things in earnest voices - just sharing a kind of private humour that we both love but no one else would get, which is very bonding.

Thank you both for responding. You both make good suggestions.
You are also right that I could have sat with him while he ate his dinner last night. I'd had a shower & was lying on our bed watching tv when he came home.
I asked him if he'd like to watch an episid of a series we're watching & he said he was tired & wanted to eat his dinner at the table watching some movie he'd started & have a beer. The show we watch is subtitled so I understand it's sometimes harder to watch if you're tired.

He didn't come up so I went to find him & he was asleep on the sofa.

We've just had another argument because he went to pick up dc from friends house & I asked if he could pick up some stuff for dinner tonight & school lunches for tomorrow. He spent £150 on random crap in Aldi supposedly for lunches but it's all stuff dc won't eat. There's stuff for 1 dinner tonight. And he bought a fish tank which was £60 out of the overall amount.
We have a fish & yes a bigger tank is nice but money is tight as he's not earning (self employed but studying)
I'm so wound up I'm actually tearful which never happens.
He's said I'm overreacting & my bad mood has affected the whole house.
Dc has gone to their room. I'm sad & cross right now
After the talk this morning I thought we were less at odds with each other
Maybe i am overreacting...

I don't know, sounds as through the responsibility is a bit one sided at the moment. You are making allowances for him being extra preoccupied and pressured. He needs to make allowances for you feeling extra responsible for work/finances, and worried about your relationship.

In other words, you both need to be there for each other.

I'd suggest a serious chat about things that are worrying each of you, with a serious resolution to ease the situation.

You are worried about finances, what to feed everyone this week, and your relationship. You could ease that by- both working together on a meal plan, both spending sensibly, and planning a 'date night in' when you play a board game/watch a film/whatever works for you both.

He is worrying about having time to finish his assignments etc etc.

Sorry but I had to laugh at the Aldi bit , no one's get out of that shop without something completely random .