Friend and her used gifts!!

[Blueberry6]

Hi mumsnet users,

wanted to know what others thought of this.

I have a friend from work and we are very close. When it was Christmas she gave me a bag and a jacket. When I opened it at home I felt akward. The jacket looked used and so did the bag. Jacket had her pefume smell on and a stain. Gift bag was also worn out.

I got her brand new gift bag, a little expensive gift. I’m always like that. Will always get new gift bag and a nice gift.

I felt a bit akward and didn’t wear it. She never said anything and wore the watch I got her.

It was my birthday 3 days ago. She gave a bracelet and a dress. I love my summer dresses. Got home and opened it. Dress was worn had her perfume smell on it. The next day I just put on the bracelet and she noticed and said she was happy as I had it on. I got home and looked at it carefully and there was scratches on it and a long row of stones had fallen off. I didn’t notice when I took out of the box but noticed the box was worn out.

Now I have noticed it I don’t want to wear it and just told her I don’t know how but I managed to loose some stones on it and will get it fixed sometime in the following weeks. Just didn’t want her to feel upset about me not having it on.

did I do the right thing?

also before anyone says she might not have any money she is in senior, high up.

Despite her having a senior job maybe she doesn’t have the spare income to purchase gifts and gift bags and feels like she has to reciprocate your more expensive gifts? I have a high up job and seemingly good income but I can’t even afford cards at the moment so I get my daughter to make them. I think she’s trying her best but if you don’t want them and feel embarrassed for her then you need to be honest. She might be grateful that she no longer needs to reciprocate!

Stop exchanging such expensive presents. Neither of you are enjoying it.

New gift bags every time are a waste of money and landfill.

@feelinglowandblue thank you for that. Didn’t think of it like that. Will be more careful next week

She has designer everything so didn’t think of what you said.

Maybe she feels she needs to give a gift because you give nice gifts.

It's wasteful to use a new gift bag every time? Do you throw away all the ones you get?

Yeah, my thought as well is that she can't afford the level of spending on gifts.

If you don't want to tell her to stop giving you her cast offs, say you are going to stop birthday and xmas gifts now.
That way you're not getting used crsp and you can treat yourself instead.

She sounds cheeky, even a token gift would be better than old worn out things! I love a secondhand bargain and don’t mind at all having things passed on to me by friends, but what you describe just sounds like she thinks she can offload her old stuff on you instead of a gift.

I’d say nothing, but just stop exchanging gifts from now on - just say casually to her when it gets near Xmas/her birthday next time “oh I hope you don’t mind, what with the cost of living/energy I’m not really doing presents at the moment” and leave it at that.

She probably can’t afford to give you new expensive things but doesn’t want to look like she’s being cheap buying you new but cheap stuff. High income doesn’t always equal lots of disposable cash. Either that or it’s an environmental thing as we should all be buying second hand more, regardless of income.

Knock the gift buying on the head.

Suggest treating each other to a lunch/dinner instead or completely knock it on the head.

Yes I would agree
But it's very rude on her part to give re-gifted Pre-worn stuff I'd have to say something I think

The gift bag isn’t an issue. I’d rather someone reuse a bag, and I actually don’t write the recipient’s name on the label so that they can use it again for someone else.

I really wouldn’t want to receive a worn item of clothing as a present though (and it sounds like it hasn’t been washed if it smells of her perfume). Personally I’d be telling her that I don’t want either of us to waste money on presents I future, or maybe just stick to a £5 limit - box of chocolates, small bunch of flowers etc.

From an environmental perspective your friend is thinking along the right lines in my opinion.
We really, really need to get out of the habit of expecting a continuous stream of cheap new stuff.
You say you get a new gift bag every time but honestly the beauty of gift bags is that you can and should re-use them. Getting new ones is wasteful.
Do you like the gifts she's giving in terms of style?
It sounds as if you should suggest that stopping gifts and just getting cards would be a good move. It would take the pressure away from you both.

Your friend could be poor, right or just disorganised.

I reuse gift bags myself, as I think it's better for the environment. I thought most people did that.

Agree with other posters about knocking that gift giving on the head. Your friend may well be relieved if you suggest it.

Then she sounds really tight if she buys herself designer. I'd stop buying her expensive gifts and just say you are cutting back and let's have a meal together instead for special occasions.

I would just tell her that you're not doing gifts for friends anymore.

I wouldn't really want other people's castoffs either.

Tell her you're becoming a minimalist.

Just say instead of exchanging gifts from now on your happy going for a drink or something like that just say your cutting down on gifts.

If she's into designer stuff herself then I doubt money is the issue.
Sounds like she thinks her cast offs are good enough for you.

I'd stop buying gifts.

I always reuse gift bags, so do most of my friends. It saves money and the environment. If they look bent or damaged they get recycled

The clothes thing is odd however, like others id just say just stop doing gifts

She could have washed her smell out of the jacket and dress first though

I think when you got the jacket I would have returned it to her thinking she has got confused and gifted her dry cleaning by mistake.

I actually don’t think I could look her on the face again. It is a bit vomit inducing

I don't mind second hand gifts if they are in good condition and given because they are genuinely something the person receiving it would love. My friends do a charity shop secret santa and we get some lovely second hand things for each other. But stained worn out crap stinking of someone elses perfume is just insulting. Even if she couldn't afford new she could make sure the gift is in good condition and clean. I don' think she values your friendship much.

If you’re such good friends, doesn’t she know you know the clothes she gives you, you’ve seen her in them? How strange.

Not bothered about the gift bag. We always reuse them.

I reuse gift bags if they are still as new !