Hi, people pleaser here. When someone at work never ever replies to you… clearly dislikes you.. for no obvious reason…how to handle?

[Luckinspades]

I’ve just started this job.
other person is my peer.
we are the only ones who hold the qualms and experience in the company.
I assumed we would work closely.

its become clear that we are TOTALLY different people in every way. My experience of this person is that they are not actually a very nice person (lots of little things) Benefit of the doubt though .

but they don’t reply to any messages at all. It’s now embarrassing because I look at the messages/emails I’ve sent and there’s kind of a few.. all ignored. (over the last couple of months)

im kinda copying in our boss now.

im airing on the “fuck it” side. But it’s a thing now.

Ever been in this situation? What did you do for the best?

Start CCing in your manager. Thats what i do when i cant get a reply
i write "further to XX im asking again"

I would have talked to my manager about this a while ago. You are protecting this horrible person from their own actions.

I take it you mean work emails rather than personal messages?

Work emails but I’ve also messaged to ask how an important meeting went, hope it went ok, is there any feedback from it? (It will ultimately help me to get feedback, they know this)

You need to bring this up with your manager. If this behaviours is affecting your ability to do your job it will reflect badly on you in the long run.

i also attended a works social thing in my very first week. It was a big thing, they chatted to me, we were introducing ourselves, they were nice, chatty but then kind of lost interest. I messaged to say lovely to meet you, really enjoyed the night, not my thing really but they made me feel very welcome so thanks for that…. Nothing, no reply and that’s where it started.

ypu know how you just know that someone really doesn’t like you… you just know don’t you. Well that’s how they are with me.

they are VERY outgoing, chatty, extrovert. I am extremely quiet, introvert, have some social anxiety so we are very different people.

Talk to your manager. A difference between if their treatment is just to you or in general. Some people are those who never reply to messages.

If email doesn't work why keep doing it? Go and talk to them. Or phone them.

Have you asked them in person why they don’t reply?

Is email the only way of communicating with them? Do you work face to face, in the same or different office or all virtual? Have you spoken to your manager about this at all?

Remember they don't have to respond to small talk at all, that's their prerogative.

But by all means let your manager know if they're not responding to work related enquiries.

Maybe before going to your manager, you could ask them fo a meeting or chat, and ask in a friendly manner if there is a particular way they like to work, or don't like to work/communicate? If you are concerned about whether your colleagues like you, then this might be a better approach than dropping them in it with the manager straight away?

Also, it could just be that they are quite useless & flakey, not that they don't like you?

They could well be just rude and dismissive.. but worth feeling out first?

While sympathetic to how it makes you feel, I find it slightly odd that you need to contact them so much to be honest. Maybe they find it a bit full on and want to discourage it? Surely they would not ignore work related emails. Perhaps they don't want a chatty work friendship or are too busy. Or have too many emails and don't want to encourage more. It is a bit rude, but it is their call to focus only on work. I am a friendly person who would never deliberately ignore anyone, but I don't always reply to chatty messages, because I'm often just very busy.

I feel there's a bit more to this. It sounds as if it's not just them ignoring work related emails (not acceptable) but not replying to irrelevant emails whether queries about work (how a meeting went) or personal contact.

You need to review your emails. If they are genuinely not giving you information you need to do your job, you can either approach them directly and ask why they haven't provided it, or take it to your line manager.

Is it a man or a woman?

Reverse OP?

It is not all that clear from your posts if the emails you are sending is actually neccessary. Updates about meetings that you were not at. Do they normally update everyone at the weekly/monthly meeting.

The nice to meet you email would not necessary need a reply.

*I assumed we would work closely.

its become clear that we are TOTALLY different people in every way. My experience of this person is that they are not actually a very nice person (lots of little things) Benefit of the doubt though .

but they don’t reply to any messages at all. It’s now embarrassing because I look at the messages/emails I’ve sent and there’s kind of a few.. all ignored. (over the last couple of months)* **

OP - if you reread the above extract from your original post, can you see how perhaps you had some preconceived ideas about how you would work with this person, plus some judgement now on their personality, plus now some personal resent?

Only pointing out as sometimes we don't notice things ourselves and oerhaps it's affecting your judgement in this situation?

Or as I said previously, perhaps they are either just a bit flakey, or operate differnely to you, so it's not necessarily personal to YOU (you do say you have social anxiety)

Does other person actually need to reply to your messages, is there anything to action in there?
Are you unable to get your work done satisfactorily without their reply?

OP is sounding like the super chatty one & Other Person is sounding like someone who just wants to get on with work & not be distracted by "how was the meeting" and "talk to me" requests.

It sounds like you’re contacting them quite a lot - I’d feel a bit hounded in their shoes! Maybe cut it down to essential inquires only. They may well be really struggling to stay on top of their inbox and feel like a lot of your emails are fluff.

The meeting one? It sounds like you were asking as a ‘Manager’ as opposed to an ‘equal’……

You have said that you assumed you would work closely with them, but not that it's necessary for your job. Is that correct? With work emails that are necessary for your job, carry on doing what you have started to do and cc your manager. Don't send any other emails to them. They are clearly not interested in having a social relationship with you, so drop all of that. It sounds as though you only communicate via email and don't work face to face, so you don't need to do anything else to handle it.

It’s really hard to tell the true situation from this. I would stop messaging them or making contact. If there is anything you have to have and it can only be from them, ask them face to face for it so they cannot avoid answering.

If their response is necessary, which if they don’t ever reply to I can’t see how it is, and you must email, then give them a date to reply by. If they don’t reply, send one chase up with a further date and then go direct to your manager. Also bring it up with your manager.

If someone at work was frequently and unnecessarily pestering me with emails, I wouldn’t waste my time answering either.

It’s a total of 4 emails and maybe 6 quick chat on TEAMs messages. All in the last 2 months.

they gave me their personal email prior to me starting the job as I had spoken to them on the phone as my interview came up.. we exchanged maybe 2 emails back & forth.

there’s some great perspective and smashing advice here from you all so many thanks for that. I’m glad you have all been so kind.

I plan on just accepting that it is what it is and I need not be in contact unless absolutely necessary. It’s bizarre how people are. Initially friendly, very chatty, interested and helpful then zero. Nothing.