Just found out my abuser is dead yet I just feel sad

[PannyAnne]

My ex. He's the father of my eldest child but hasn't seen him since he was a tiny baby so DS has no memory of him whatsoever. Thankfully.

It was 6 and a half years of stress, violence and misery. He destroyed me physically and mentally. Every type of abuse you can think of, he did to me. I don't know how I made it out alive.

Last night my friend sent me a news article. He was found dead in his prison cell. He actually died in 2019 but his family didn't tell anybody, atleast not me. There was an inquest and that's why it was in the news.

The amount of times I'd wished him dead I expected to feel elated but I just feel sad. He was a very mentally and emotionally damaged person mentally, and he went on to damage others. I wasn't the only one unfortunately.

Yet there were good times, many of them, interspersed with the bad. I loved him once upon a time.

He died alone in a prison cell and left a note saying he feels unwell. Then he was gone. I bet he was scared.

This doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.

Thank you for reading 😟

I’m sorry. It’s okay to feel the way you do. I expect there were some happy times too. Like you said, it’s a very sad situation 😔

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had those experiences with him, and that he never redeemed himself.

New chapter.

It is perfectly fine and acceptable to feel the way you do. No matter what he did to you he gave you a child and you loved him once. Deal with your feelings however you need to. If it gets too hard for to the doc for help

I'm sorry. If you've been in a situation where vastly strong emotions are involved (even the most negative ones) realising that it really is over for good, absolutely, is an odd feeling.

Wishing you and your son and other children the very happiest future.

It feels so surreal, how a man just shy of 30 with no underlying health conditions can just die of 'natural causes' it makes no sense. Is it karma? Does anyone believe in that?

DS will be well supported fortunately and his poison will never touch his life. That's the silver lining.

Thank you all for giving me the space to offload. My DH has been wonderfully understanding of my shock at the news, I just don't want to admit to him that I'm feeling a sense of sadness. He never met him but my god did he hate him for what he put me through.

It's because deep down your a good person and as much as you wished him wrong or dead what you really wanted was for him to stop being a cunt and make amends (maybe not to you but to the world). Perhaps to heal the wound of his past deeds and not leave nothing but damage behind. Maybe you wished that that poor little boy you could see within him would get to heal at some time, and come back to your DS a whole functioning healed human who could show him that nobody is beyond saving. Maybe you truly hated him but still, it's a horrible end.

Sometimes I think it's that they felt like such a big monster it's hard to imagine that in the end they died without any effect left behind at all. That the perpetrator of our nightmares is nothing but dust. A lot of women who end up in these relationships it's because they use our empathy as a way in, they show us their inner wounds and we try to heal them. So of course as much as we want to dance on their grave, when it actually comes to it a small part of it grieves for the child they once were, the potential we saw in them, the person they sometimes were or we hoped they could someday be. And we grieve a bit because these people are victims too in a way, often they've had shitty upbringings and minimal chance to heal or redeem themselves. So it's just a rotten waste of humanity to live a short painful damaging life and die alone and scared and uncared for. What a waste of human life and potential.

You have a big heart, it's ok to feel mixed emotions. To feel sad, angry, relieved, conflicted. It's totally normal. As much as he wasn't in your sons life, it is a kind of loss for your son too in that it is absolutely permanent and there is no chance of a happy reunion, no matter how unrealistic that would have been. It's an ending and its ok to cry at endings. For you and your son

I think it’s very normal to have mixed feelings about something like this 💐

It's Ok to just feel sad. You don't have to relish his death. You just have to know that he's gone and accept that and then - well, carry on.

And if it was natural causes those could still be related to his anger, violence etc. Such as if he's been in fights he may have hit his head a lot or having uncontrolled rage can cause heart attacks. So it may be 'karma', it may be simply one of those things or some medical mix of the two.

Your feelings are totally justifiable and reasonable.
My ex is in prison now for sexually abusing our daughter.
There's rage and then there's the rage a mother feels for failing to protect her own daughter from a monster who was meant to be a parent; the ultimate person of trust and love.
And yet... I feel sad when people say things like, "He'll die in there," in a way that is meant to be supportive of me. I get that. And believe me, I've had plenty of moments like you where I would just think, "Fuck off and die, you waste of space."
But we are human, with loving hearts that remember the good times and yes, we saw the good parts of that person, miniscule as those good parts are/were.
You are mourning what could have been and never was... you are mourning the good human he was capable of being but chose not to be. You saw his light, you recognised his goodness, but he turned away from all of that and walked himself right inside those prison walls. He could have been more, he could have been better. He is also your child's father. I'd cry too. I do cry. There's a lot to mourn and be sad for. And it shows that you are a deeply compassionate soul whose loving heart was -and remains- stronger than his heinous abuse. You came through an abusive relationship with your mighty heart intact. And you were able to trust enough to find new, meaningful love again. That is remarkable. This too, hard as it is, is part of your healing and part of saying a final goodbye to a past that could have been better. But it wasn't.
You have your blessed son who is his own entity, not his father's keeper. He doesn't have to carry his father's past into his present or future. He just needs to continue growing in the light of your unconditional love for him. I wish you well and I wish you peace, OP. 💐

Thank you all ❤️

Foodbanks, that was so beautifully put and so much of what you wrote rang true for me.

We were so young when we met, i was just 16 and him 18. For a time we were all one another had.

I had hoped that with age he would have calmed down, accessed therapy and become a better person. He never did, he just kept finding new women to abuse and fucking everybody over. I look back in disbelief that somebody so young could cause such irreparable damage to so many people.

Its true that I saw the wounded vulnerable child in him and the potential for what he could have been. It was part pity that kept me with him so long, that and the fear he'd kill himself. He was a self harmer and used that to keep me in a cycle of fear and guilt.

With the benefit of hindsight I can see he was suffering from some severe untreated personality disorder(s)

Thewayoftheleaf, that's an interesting take on it. It's true being such a person must take its toll on their physical health. He was complaining of palpitations and light-headedness in the lead up but no cause was ever found.

Oh my, thank you so much. This really moved me.

I'm so sorry for what your daughter, and you, were put through. I can't imagine how you must feel. The thought of that happening to my daughter, let alone by her father, is soul destroying.

I really, really hope you find peace too. You sound like a wonderful and compassionate person.

I totally relate to what you said about other people's comments that are supposed to make you feel better. The article was shared on Facebook and I felt so sad reading the comments, things like "I hope he's in hell" and "I'm glad he's dead, he was a waste of tax payers money"

I feel like if I can refrain from celebrating after everything he put me through why couldn't others refrain from spewing such hatred in the comments about a dead man. I wrote on the post and asked people to please remember he has children who will read all of this one day and they have suffered enough.

Perhaps over time you’ll feel better about it. I imagine now you’re in some shock.

Years ago now, I found out that my rapist had killed himself — It had happened when I was 15 and he was about 60. I hadn’t ever told anyone because I was convinced it was my fault.

When I heard the news, I thought, “ding dong, the witch is dead.” It was a relief. Later on, we found out he’d left a note confessing to my rape and to the years of harassment afterwards.

Now, I’m happy, because I won.

I know our circumstances are very different, but our healing is exactly the same. Please remember the Three T’s: Things Take Time.

Give yourself the time to absorb this and the grace to accept that you never have to worry about this person again — without any guilt.

Much love.

Thank you so much, I'm so sorry you spent so long feeling like it was your fault. It is never the woman's fault, ever (and in your case girl) what a bastard.

My ex did that to me too but he never confessed. He was arrested but I dropped the charges as I was just exhausted and wanted to put it all to bed and move on. I regret that. I think if he'd have been prosecuted for it and admitted it then I'd have got my closure. In a way he's gotten away with everything he did.

I'm feeling less sad about it today though. Long may that continue. DH thinks it'll come in waves (I admitted how I was feeling yesterday) and said its a process.

You're all spot on. Thank you.

I’m so truly very sorry, @PannyAnne.

I think your husband is right - it’ll come in fits and starts and by the time you’re my age, 60s, you’ll be sorted. And you’ll have freed yourself from this terrible weight. It probably won’t even take you that long — I’m happy you have your husband’s love and support.

It was years before I finally told the women in my life, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t 100% believe me — my rapist was a well known man in our town and a “friend of the family.”

So his suicide and note helped a great deal, even though I’m still angry about the lack of support I received from those who should’ve helped the most. The men in my family were never told, because they surely would’ve killed him. And then I would have been responsible for that, too, in my young mind.

You hang in there — it’ll come. ❤️

It's OK to feel sad and conflicted. He is the father of your eldest after all and at one point you loved this man.