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Original poster

Possibly found long lost Dad

15 replies

Pob13 · 06/05/2022 16:43

Background - my DH has never known his dad, his parents split when she was pregnant. Apparantly it was a fairly amicable split. His mum just didnt want to stay with him. He knew she was pregnant but she wanted to do it alone.
When we married DH decided he might like to find his dad and had a chat with his mum. She gave him a name, but didnt know anything else about his current whereabouts. DH then decided he didnt want to investigate further.
Every now and then I search for the name on facebook and have never found anything. Well now I think I have. So now I have a massive dilema.
If I tell DH and we contact this man and it isnt him or he denies it then DH could feel rejected, dissapointed, etc.
I really dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Asimhereanyway · 06/05/2022 17:13

DH then decided he didnt want to investigate further

so leave well alone.

I know someone who, mid 50’s, discovered the whereabouts to her DF. His attitude was ‘too much time has passed, I don’t want to get involved’.

She would have been better carrying on just thinking that she didn’t know where he was, rather than spend the rest of her life knowing he didn’t want to build a relationship with her. If your DH had really wanted to find him, he could have search himself, he decided he didn’t, so why did you?

CPL593H · 06/05/2022 17:17

This has to be your DHs call, it really does. If you raise the subject in the future and he has changed his mind, I would let him do the searching (with help if he wants it) rather than presenting him with the details of the man you've found, who may or may not even be the right guy. Your DH needs to control the process.

CPL593H · 06/05/2022 17:20

Also (and this is from personal experience) it isn't really possible to prepare for the rejection, if it comes. It hurt on a quite visceral level, which shocked me. This is of course a worst case scenario, but it happens.

quietnightmare · 06/05/2022 17:23

You should have left it alone and not keep looking, but you have so you have to tell DH that you may or may not have found him and it is for DH to decide to contact him or not

SailingNotSurfing · 06/05/2022 17:24

This isn't your dilemma. Steer clear. Not all parents reunited with offspring are like Long Lost Families on TV.

skippy67 · 06/05/2022 17:25

It really wasn't your place to go searching after your DH decided he didn't want to. Why would you do that. My situation is exactly the same as your DH's. I never knew my male parent, never even seen a photo. I did some low level searching when I was younger, but eventually decided in my 40s that too much time had passed, and decided to stop. If my dh had taken it upon himself to carry on looking behind my back I would be beyond furious and see it as a massive overstep on his part.

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/05/2022 17:37

He doesn’t want to find him. You shouldn’t have been looking.

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 17:43

He doesn’t want to find him so I would say and do nothing.

TBH sometimes I think it’s natural to want to look when you have information, but you can only do this for your benefit.

We recently found out that my dad has half siblings he never knew about. he investigated to a point and then decided that he didn’t want to go further. I did look them up though, and I have some information about them. But that’s more to satisfy my own curiosity than to open up anything for him. I don’t intend to get in touch with them or anything like that.

If your DH changes his mind then you can perhaps help him look. But other than that I would leave well alone.

SeemsSoUnfair · 06/05/2022 17:47

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/05/2022 17:37

He doesn’t want to find him. You shouldn’t have been looking.

^ absolutely this

I would go as far as say what possessed you to look? You are playing silly games and being totally disrespectful to your dh.

Just assume it isn't the right guy, forget about it and stop bloody looking.

Lacedwithgrace · 06/05/2022 17:51

Tell him. Ask if he'd like you to investigate by yourself and update him, or if he'd like to contact the man himself.

Original poster
Pob13 · 06/05/2022 17:52

You are all absolutely right! I wasnt thinking. The dad has a name similar to a celebrity who I was reading about last night and it just reminded me.
In my naive head I imagine a lovely fairytail ending, of course it could be completely different.
Thanks all for making me see sense. I will forget about it.

OP posts:
BemoreDerek · 06/05/2022 18:00

I'm in exactly your DH's position, dad left just before I was born and hasn't been seen since. I would be furious with my DH if he interfered like this, particularly if I'd said I didn't want to pursue it. Honestly OP you've way overstepped the mark by even looking for him, leave it alone now.

dogsandcoffee · 06/05/2022 18:00

The flip side of this also is that the dad made no effort to get in contact with your DH. So that doesn’t bode well.

I was a child of a long lost parent. Met him in my 20s. Honestly, although there is an initial excitement about meeting, there will be deep issues there about the fact his dad was never in his life that won’t vanish just because he meets him now.

balalake · 06/05/2022 18:26

You are doing the best thing to respect your DHs wishes.

CPL593H · 06/05/2022 23:08

You were clearly coming from a place of caring OP, but you're doing the right thing. These can be murky waters.

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