Other student is too touchy

[tootouchy]

My DC aged 19 has asked me for help with a dilemma. Their partner has complained that a mutual friend is "too touchyfeely" with DC. DC agrees that friend does indeed give lingering hugs which feel a bit OTT. Partner wants DC to say something to friend but without saying it's partner who has instigated it. DC feels this would be a bit awkward but doesn't want to make partner feel like DC doesn't care about partner's feelings.

Just to make things more complicated, their was a flirtation between DC and friend at the beginning of uni. DC didn't pursue it, thinking that friend was attached -- but this wasn't the case. Meanwhile DC got together with partner.

Sorry about all the language. I'm trying to avoid naming the sexes/sexuality involved as I want to get unbiased comments.

How long has this partner been around? They sound a bit controlling

They’ve been together for about a year.

It's up to your DC if they mind the friend being so touchy. The "partner", which after a year is just a boyfriend/girlfriend/it-friend, should keep out of it. Either they trust your DC or they don't.

They are too young for this seriousness, in my opinion

I extract myself from hugs with a brisk double tap on the back and then a step back. Perhaps your DC could develop a strategy.

This. Does your DC feel uncomfortable? Would the partner feel the same if it was someone else acting that way, or is it just this person?

Ultimately it’s up to your DC what they’re comfortable with or not.

Yes DC does feel uncomfortable, but is fairly unconfrontational so doesn't want to make a fuss. Also the friend is genuinely a friend. DC feels that partner should say something to friend.

(Yes definitely a BF/GF not a "partner" but I'm being vague.)

Good idea. I suggested that DC could make a joke of it. "Now Friend I know you like long hugs but that's just too long. I'm going to have to terminate the hug now." (erm, not very funny... needs work)

I think it makes a bit of a difference if the friend is a hugger generally or if its just with dc. If they're a hugger they may not be aware that it's making dc uncomfortable. Some people are brought up where hugging is normal. They need to learn not everyone likes it. I don't mind a friendly hug, OH would recoil in horror at the suggestion ( he hugs me and the children grandchildren but generally doesn't like others touching him)

I've used this technique for years, in my previous job I met with a lot of creepy old pervs men who liked to give lingering hugs.

Are they uncomfortable because of the partner? Or generally uncomfortable with the touchy-feely? If it’s the latter, I think it a bit unfair to want the partner to say something. If it’s the former, I guess actually I still think it should come from DC (as long as they are actually uncomfortable and want it to stop).

I don’t think it’s fair really to expect others to speak on their behalf, they need to speak for them self and set their own boundaries.

I don’t think anything needs to be said - your dc just needs to pull out of the hug. As dc pulls away s/he can make the offer of a drink or something to distract.

I agree that your DC needs to speak up for themselves. They are an adult now so time to learn how to get out of situations that they are not comfortable with.