Friend is so hostile how do I deal with this

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I work with someone who is a friend. I recently took a few years out and came back and it’s taken me ages to build up my confidence and fight anxiety that started after my DCs arrived.

Friend has a reputation for being mean to people both at company and to outsiders. She (despite us being friends and me getting her the job years ago) is hostile to me when I ask for help. I have spent several sleepless nights ruminating over the last year. It’s not personal - just really cutting or blunt feedback. We work in litigation so sometimes it’s warranted but she’s got a reputation for being difficult. I am a sensitive person also so have definitely tried to tough it out but she’s upset lots of people.

I know I’m going to end up snapping because I’m constantly on edge. I can’t fall out with her and when she’s not being like this she’s a good friend. I think it’s her nature but I can’t keep putting up with it.

How do I respond in a (realistic) way that won’t cause a ruckus or out her on the defensive? I need to put a stop to this.

I should add there are some things I have to ask her for help on - but I am going to try and avoid that in future.

Is she your mentor/superior/junior who is meant to be helping you whether that's guiding you or supporting you?

Raise a complaints about her with your line manager? I don't think you'll change someone like this any other way, it is a personality defect which she's had a long time and clearly has no wish to change or she'd have taken steps to do so. So the only thing likely to effect a change is if she's at risk of suffering consequences herself, it still won't change her personality or how she thinks, but raising a complaint might change her outward behaviour.

Your other options are meds for your anxiety as a way of helping you cope with her or looking for another job yourself.

Standing up for yourself is always going to cause a ruckus or defensiveness, at least with the person who's wronged you, for the simple reason they're a knob and not on your side.

For the future, being more choosy who you're friends with and not getting difficult people a job in your company.

It’s not personal - just really cutting or blunt feedback.

Do the same then and if she becomes defensive or difficult point out that you are merely applying the same standards of discourse she applies to herself.

Why can't you fall out with her? Are you afraid of her and think she will sabotage your job? If that's the case you need to raise the issue with HR and let them deal with it.

and absolutely this:

For the future, being more choosy who you're friends with and not getting difficult people a job in your company.

^^

She’s not superior but now does have more experience than me. Re comments about getting her a job - she never used to be like this. She’s developed an arrogance I never used to see.

there is nobody I can go to. I guess I just need suggestions of exactly how to respond without it being an attack.

You say she is a good friend yet you cannot talk to her privately, outside of work and bring this up with her? Not a good friend or indeed any kind of friend if you can't have an open and honest talk with them.

I don't know what to suggest about how you deal with this because you will bat away all and any suggestions offered due to your fear of her.

My whole post is me saying I want to talk to her what do I say?!

Tell her to fuck off? Tell her she's unreasonable? Tell her not to speak to you in that manner? It doesn't matter if she's the blood queen it doesn't give her the right to be rude to you, so tell her that? No need to sugar coat it, she's apparently fine with bluntness isn't she?!

Ask her why she is being so hostile to you, why she thinks it is acceptable to treat you that way, why she thinks it is necessary to behave like that, who is she trying to impress? (I am wondering if the new arrogance is to make her look formidable in front of senior/male colleagues?)

Tell her you won't tolerate being spoken to or treated in that manner and your friendship and working relationship will be destroyed if she continues to do so.