Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Preteen/Teen children being asked to chase other people's children?

26 replies

WildCoasts · 04/05/2022 09:16

Here's an example scenario: You are at a public swimming pool. Fairly large outdoor complex. You are 12. You have gone to the pool with your family and they have met up with another family there. The other family has a toddler of about 18 months who is running around. Every time the toddler wanders, the 12 year old is told to go retrieve the toddler and bring him back. Toddler wanders off to the deep end of the big pool and the 12 year old is again told to get the toddler. By this stage 12 year old is getting sick of it and walks at a normal pace, doesn't run. Parents tell the 12 year old to hurry up so the toddler doesn't fall into the pool. 12 year old doesn't speed up. Toddler gets to the edge of the pool but no further.

12 year old retrieves toddler and returns them. 12 year old is told off for not running as fast as they can to get the toddler and it would have been her fault if toddler fell in. 12 year old protests that it is not her child to have to chase and says the parents shouldn't have had children if they didn't want to look after them. Parents of 12 year old say that it's fair for the parents to get a break so 12 year old should chase the toddler.

Who is wrong? 12 year old or 12 year old's mother?

OP posts:
stickygotstuck · 04/05/2022 09:22

The 12 yo's parents mother. And he toddler's parents.

stickygotstuck · 04/05/2022 09:23

*The parents, not the mother specifically

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 04/05/2022 09:25

Adults in the wrong. Obviously it’s inappropriate to ask a child to keep a random toddler from a different family safe near water, and in any case nobody should be running near a pool.

You've shifted from “parents” to “mother” in relating the scenario but tbh all the adults present sound like idiots.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
Bimster · 04/05/2022 09:25

All the parents. I think people often assume teens are happy to act as unpaid childcare, and it’s nice if they sometimes do. But it shouldn’t be assumed, especially at a pool which is a high risk and tricky environment to supervise children.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/05/2022 09:27

All of the adults are at fault - the toddler's parents are neglectful for not safeguarding a young dc near deep water, the 12yo's parents should be standing up for their dc.

That said, whatever the rights or wrongs, not retrieving a toddler from a dangerous situation to prove a point is a bit crappy, but that is why 12yo's lack the maturity to be responsible for a young child.

Original poster
WildCoasts · 04/05/2022 09:33

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 04/05/2022 09:25

Adults in the wrong. Obviously it’s inappropriate to ask a child to keep a random toddler from a different family safe near water, and in any case nobody should be running near a pool.

You've shifted from “parents” to “mother” in relating the scenario but tbh all the adults present sound like idiots.

Both parents (father and mother of 12 year old were there) but it was the mother who was doing the directing.

OP posts:
lljkk · 04/05/2022 09:38

It's good to give young people small bits of responsibility. In most big families this scenario would happen up until the telling off point. I think OP is describing an extreme scenario.

I've always asked DC to look out for each other & occasionally to help out with their own much younger siblings or another young child. I ask rather than demand, and make it clear what the time limit is on the request.

I am not finding it useful to assign "blame" in OP's scenario. Unrealistic or unreasonable expectations is better description.

Original poster
WildCoasts · 04/05/2022 09:41

lljkk · 04/05/2022 09:38

It's good to give young people small bits of responsibility. In most big families this scenario would happen up until the telling off point. I think OP is describing an extreme scenario.

I've always asked DC to look out for each other & occasionally to help out with their own much younger siblings or another young child. I ask rather than demand, and make it clear what the time limit is on the request.

I am not finding it useful to assign "blame" in OP's scenario. Unrealistic or unreasonable expectations is better description.

It's an actual scenario and not exaggerated. Only part that hasn't been mentioned in 12 year old was more annoyed by it as it wasn't the first time they had been assigned child chasing duty because it's nice to give parents a break.

OP posts:
steppemum · 04/05/2022 09:47

adults responsible.

12 year old being used as childcare if annoying for them, and unfair.

But at some times within a family or friendship group it is normal, for a while. The ultimate resonsibility is always with the adults, and it is unfair to dothis too much with the 12 year old.

lljkk · 04/05/2022 09:48

So you were the 12yr old & you're still pissed off about it?

PinkWisteria · 04/05/2022 09:49

Parents of toddler are being totally irresponsible, they should be fully supervising their child to keep them safe. A swimming pool is not the place to be sitting back and having a break!

Original poster
WildCoasts · 04/05/2022 10:02

lljkk · 04/05/2022 09:48

So you were the 12yr old & you're still pissed off about it?

Not quite. Having a talk with my parents about their old aged care and what is expected of me, and my mother used the opportunity to remind me of how selfish I was. She used this incident to demonstrate. So just wondered if I was wrong here.

For the record, after these happenings I have never asked anyone to chase my children. I've always done it myself. I never changed my mind about who had the responsibility there.

I'd like to think that, at my age, I've bigger things to think about.

OP posts:
Itsnottheendoftheworldisit · 04/05/2022 10:11

This happens all the time with my teenage girls. Funny how no teenage boys are asked to watch kids from my experience.
I will openly tell other parents and family members that my kids are there to enjoy themselves not babysit. If they choose to watch kiddies then fine.
but I won’t sit by while other parents bark orders at my kids. My girl is the oldest in the family and I had her young. So she’s the only teen. It drives me mad that they think she can watch 3 or 4 toddlers at family events.

LadyJaneHall · 04/05/2022 10:19

At most local swimming pools their rules are that a child under 8 must be supervised by someone over 16. Under 16s cannot be responsible for younger children so the adults were wrong.

bellebeautifu1 · 04/05/2022 10:20

I use to pay my niece to look after DD.

I guess it depends if we are at a family gathering (BBQ etc), the older ones will always keep an eye out on the little ones but its not like they require constant supervision (like a pool) and there is a few teens around, not just one 'designated' teenager.

Georgeskitchen · 04/05/2022 10:22

Is this actually serious? Expecting a 12 year old to childmind a toddler around water? While the parents are no doubt lounging in the sun necking cocktails?
I wonder what the coroners words would be at the inquest, because if this behaviour was to carry on its inevitable an accident will occur.
I would tell the lazy twats that my 12 year old daughter is NOT responsible for the safety of your toddler!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/05/2022 10:24

The toddler is the responsibility of its parents, no-one else. If they can’t be bothered to supervise, they don’t go to the pool.

jytdtysrht · 04/05/2022 10:39

The parents of the 18 month old have no business being at the pool if they cannot be bothered to look after their own toddler.

serenghetti2011 · 04/05/2022 10:44

My niece is great with her little brother who is 3 but plays and helps her mum happily and they are very close. I can imagine being forced to watch someone else’s toddler must be rubbish.

Wondering why they went to a pool and didn’t go in? Why isn’t toddler in a buggy if it wanders off where is the ‘time off’ for parents taking a toddler to a pool sitting on the side and half watching it and ordering another child to chase it, not my idea of ‘getting a break’ wonder why some people have kids if they can’t be bothered with them tbh.

serenghetti2011 · 04/05/2022 10:44

My niece is great with her little brother who is 3 but plays and helps her mum happily and they are very close. I can imagine being forced to watch someone else’s toddler must be rubbish.

Wondering why they went to a pool and didn’t go in? Why isn’t toddler in a buggy if it wanders off where is the ‘time off’ for parents taking a toddler to a pool sitting on the side and half watching it and ordering another child to chase it, not my idea of ‘getting a break’ wonder why some people have kids if they can’t be bothered with them tbh.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 04/05/2022 10:46

Why do parents need a break at the pool, where children should be having fun, rather than doing a chore?

Parents are totally wrong.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 04/05/2022 10:51

and my mother used the opportunity to remind me of how selfish I was. She used this incident to demonstrate

Your mum’s a knob. I say that with sympathy though. I can, regrettably, easily imagine my own mum taking the same approach to such a conversation.

Bimster · 04/05/2022 11:24

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 04/05/2022 10:51

and my mother used the opportunity to remind me of how selfish I was. She used this incident to demonstrate

Your mum’s a knob. I say that with sympathy though. I can, regrettably, easily imagine my own mum taking the same approach to such a conversation.

Seconded. My mum has this tendency as well, I'm sad to say, and regularly brings up the time when I was 3 and we had a 2 year old round to play and this other kid and I were running around with sticks in our mouths as evidence of my being irresponsible, despite the fact that a) I'm nearly 50, and b) it's actually evidence of her shit supervision. Truly bonkers.

SeemsSoUnfair · 04/05/2022 12:08

The life guards should have told the toddlers parents to adequately supervise their toddler or get out of the pool.

Toddlers should be next to their parents/an adult at all times in a pool.

There should be no running pool side.

lljkk · 04/05/2022 14:08

I can't see how you did anything wrong at age 12, OP. And I'm sorry your mum is lumbering you with ancient stuff.

I resolve to try very hard not to put such crap onto DC. Maybe with dementia it will happen or I will otherwise decide their behaviour as adults is fair game for guilt trips, but I hope not. You're thinking about that single incident when you were 12, but there's a bigger problem when your mum holds a grudge about anything that you did at age 12. It's just not on, is it?

I lived very amicably (lodger) with my boyfriend's mother when I was about 20. One awful thing she did to him was threaten suicide if he upset her, usually by not spending enough time with her: yes, really. I scolded her for that, which apparently was a repeat habit she had. I learnt a lot about not doing emotional blackmail as a parent from her.