The rambles of a mad woman

[LadyHalesBroach]

Was it always this hard?

I can’t do this anymore. Just that, really. I don’t know how to get out of it, and I probably can’t and should just stick this out because what choice do we really have?

The baby doesn’t stop crying. I haven’t slept more then 2 hour stretches in 4 months. In the day, he feeds every hour and only naps for 20 mins at a time. We’ve been down the tongue tie route and had it fixed, but the kid refuses a bottle so it’s all on me.

my daughter is 5 going on 15. God help me when she actually is 15. She’s a wonderful little girl but at times difficult and given how exhausted I am, I simply can’t be bothered to play or do anything that makes her happy. I plant a smile on my face and grit my teeth but when she wants cuddles I just can’t be arsed, I’m so touched out. It’s not her fault, I’m a horrible mum.

I have a DH problem. He tries, but he isn’t that sympathetic. When I weep in the utility room, he joked at the absurdity of it rather than ask why I was doing it. He doesn’t do any of the night shift, because he can’t breastfeed I just end up doing it all. When he works from home, he’s here but not - here here -. He is abroad for work right now, doesn’t check in much but he’s busy and under pressure so I understand.

i went back to working from home at 8 weeks pp because I am self employed and not eligible for maternity pay. So I try and fit in work around baby’s non existent nap times. I should be working right now but I can’t concentrate through the storm in my head.

i don’t recognise my body. I was never particularly beautiful or slender but now my pot belly looks like a map of the Andes and my eye bags are biblical.

I’m a terrible mummy, I’m a depressed, miserable, easily frustrated monster and I hate myself. I can’t stop the storm inside my head. The constant wash cycle of hate and despair; love for my children and guilt they got me as their mum.

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard and I really want it to stop.

Oh OP, that sounds so hard. It's no wonder you're at the end of your tether. You must be absolutely knackered and that makes being super-mum impossible. But you're doing your best. Your DC are cared for. You're giving them everything you're capable of.

Things will get better, I promise. But I also know that doesn't help you right now.

Any chance of help - childcare, help with workload, sleep training, housework? Do you think your DH really understands how hard things are at the moment? Did you think he'd like to make things easier if he could? Has he any suggestions?

Would it help if you could take a sabbatical from employment? Even just for a couple of months?

Thank you.
Not to sound obstructive but no, I can’t take a sabbatical cos a girls gotta eat/pay the mortgage.
And as for support, I’ve got the obligatory mum fwends from my daughters school. They’re lovely but have their own lives. I don’t have parents (that’s a story all on it’s own) and my pils are 70 and look 95. Darlings, but no.

You are not a terrible person or bad mother. Life is hard at the moment but it can only get better.

Have you spoken to a breastfeeding person (cannot remember what they are called?!).

It will get easier. Promise.

I get it, I have a 9 week old who breastfeeds every two hours round the clock, a 2 and a half year old whose tantrums and behaviour have kicked off since the baby was born, a husband who works 6 or 7 days a week, and am so tired the room spins. I don't have any answers but you're not alone.