What has been your experience with 'frenemies'?

[Kris02]

I have several so-called 'frenemies' in my life. I mean people who act like friends, but deep down love it when I (or my kids) fail.

You go first...

Their bodies have never been found 😉

I cut them out my life.

Best thing I did.

I used to have frenemies but I dropped them in my late 20's. I have much higher standards these days and I wonder why I ever maintained those toxic friendships.

Dropped them. They didn’t go quietly. Sustained silence won out in the end.

I would never, ever have anyone like that in my life!

Had a few of these at school. Now I'm confident enough to walk away from people like that. Why do you feel the need to keep these people in your life?

Keep them at arms length and never drop your guard.

But really you're much better off cutting them out of your life. Permanently.

Bin them! They're joy thieves.

Never had one! Why would you have a friend who wasn’t a friend?!
The nearest thing I have to one is a colleague who promoted instead of me over me. We’re very close, we talked about it at the time and she’s since left, we’re still very close.

My sister...will be all sweetness and light to my face but tell people lies about me.
She always had something nasty to say about everyone but only had time for me,or so she said.
Realised anyone close to her would blank me....things came out.She was telling a pack of lies...no idea why.
Sad bitter twisted jealous person I guess.
Been NC for a couple of years and its staying that way.

Walk away.

I walked away but the pair of them didn't take it lightly and created chaos in some of my other friendships. Still worth it to be free of them.

Yes I have one of these 🙄 she judges/criticises everything I do, talks about me behind my back and puts me down a lot. Then when it's my birthday/Christmas she is incredibly thoughtful and generous with presents so I often don't get her behaviour at all. Is it jealousy? I'm not arrogant or boastful at all 🤷‍♀️ Would love to go v v low/ nc but she knows a lot of my family/other friends. It would be difficult to avoid her altogether

I had the enlightening experience of hearing a friend A, completely demolish a mutual gf & her family B, to B's daughter in law. So many half truths & unnecessary stirring, I was mute, I sat next to her thinking, my God, what would she say about us behind my/our back?
I think she was hoping for me to participate, or even defend B.
I'm absolutely done with A now.
Snake in the grass

It seems obvious that you should cut toxic people out of your life. It's much harder in practice. For a start, toxic people (assholes, in other words) never go quietly. In my experience, they take revenge, often by turning mutual friends against you. Also, you really have to spell it out in order to get rid of them (which means an ugly confrontation). If you just distance yourself, it's like they know what you are trying to do, and so cling even tighter.

Frenemies often pick someone to measure themselves against. You become a sort of target/enemy/competitor – someone they use to gauge their own success in life.

Actually now I think of it my ex sil was a frenemy. Really great fun but incredibly troubled and toxic. When we had dc at the same school I had to be very careful to distance myself from her batshittery without doing anything to make her kick off.
But surely that’s quite a unique situation, the relationship and school made it harder to navigate but without the kinship/ school context anyone else showing 10% of her troublemaking you just withdraw 💁🏻‍♀️

I had a person I thought was my friend all through school. We were friends after we left, worked together and socialised. I really thought of her as a close friend. I got her her job, gave her clothes really helped her as she came from an unstable back ground. She slept with my boyfriend. After when It all came out people told me things. Apparently the whole time (even from school) she'd been really slagging me off, lying about me telling everyone she hated me, had been trying to get the other girls at school to hit me. Looking back I can see there was warning signs but because I was really fond of her I dismissed them. She'd even thrown away the little suit I'd bought her when her son had been born saying it was dirty and it smelled. It was brand new. I cut her off completely as soon as I found out. I don't speak to her at all. She has tried to get in contact obviously looking for a way to find out gossip to twist. Most of her family don't speak to her for the same reasons. She still slags me off but she doesn't know anything about me. She's got a little group of similar friends who also hate me. I'm a quiet person so they must of seen an easy victim. I am so happy I cut her and her cronies off. Completely. I might add her hatred of me is almost pathological, I mean it's almost obsessive.

You just need to walk away from them. It really throws them when you do that.

I cut 'em out, ruthlessly. And don't look back, they're not worth headspace.
If it's family, it's a bit trickier and going low contact, not sharing any information, is the only way.