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Is this still a power struggle

6 replies

Mintchocicechip · 03/05/2022 05:09

I've just recently split up with my boyfriend. He was in some messed up connection with his ex. Based on what his family and he has told me. The relationship was full of jealousy and suspicions. They had their good times. Holidays etc. She liked the finer things in life. She liked to travel and socialise. He liked the quiet life and few people! He's often complained about her attention seeking behaviour. Needing to be center of attention. He also admitted when she started going on holiday several times a year without him he started drinking and talking to other women.

His family said they were In competition. She wanted to earn the most. He wanted to provide for her. There was a power struggle in terms of her being independent and him obviously not feeling enough. They said she was me me me and he was always trying to spoil her. He spent all his money on her etc.

He has somehow clung onto her. They split 3.5 years ago. He's been with me the last 1.5 years. I dumped him just over 2 weeks ago as I'd recently seen he'd be messaging her again.

They don't want to be together but they don't want to fully let go. So now they just chat. She digs at me. Slags of our relationship and has gone out of her way to keep his attention. He's allowed it and only he knows what's been fully said. But when I've tried to express my dislike for this contact due to the childish level of it he dismissed my feelings saying he won't be controlled.

Is it possible this is still a power struggle. My boyfriend's denied all along if I've asked him but it's so obvious to me now he was likely never over her. Yet it seems like a Game they play to stop the other moving on.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 03/05/2022 07:11
Flowers But you’ve dumped him, right? One of the perks of no longer being in this relationship is that it doesn’t matter. Their relationship doesn’t sound great but you’re free of that toxicity now. Shake it all off.
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 03/05/2022 07:21

Agree with @Etinoxaurus. It probably is still a power struggle but so what, its not your problem any more.
He sounds like a controlling cheat BTW, (she went on holiday so he drank and spoke to other women, he wanted to provide for her and was perhaps insecure that she earned more than him - remember he is only telling you the guilded versions of what he wants you to know). You are best off out of it.

Coughee · 03/05/2022 07:32

Next time when you're in a relationship and men are slagging off their exes, recognise it as a big red flag. He's basically showing you how he's going to treat you too.

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Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/05/2022 07:37

@Coughee

Next time when you're in a relationship and men are slagging off their exes, recognise it as a big red flag. He's basically showing you how he's going to treat you too.

This ^

Fireflygal · 03/05/2022 07:39

Do you think you might be able to fix the issue if you know the cause?

Please know this was a toxic relationship and you were dragged into it. Don't waste anymore mental energy on him. You did the right thing by dumping him so now walk away.

Btw, He seems to have control issues (talking about you trying to control him is usually projection) and

SinaraSmith · 03/05/2022 07:49

I think you need to try and move on.

You and his family know about the relationship, through him. He is the filter. It’s her fault he would get drunk and chat to other women. All his money went on her? But she also earned decent money and was ambitious to earn more?

she is positioned as image has a need to earn more than him. But he is positioned as simply ‘wanting to provide for her’. That could easily be that she simply valued her career and progression and he immensely disliked her having her own money, being successful and wanted her dependent on him.

Even her slagging off your relationship. I assume for some reason you have seen what she said, but you don’t know what he has been telling her. He didn’t shut her down and cut contact. Just carried on. She views your relationship through his filter. The fact that she feels comfortable doing that, tells you all you need to know.

Were you going away without him? Is that why he text her and his it from you?

He still talks to her for a reason. He isn’t over her. But until you get that he is a dick that just talks shit about the women he is with m, so you will never understand the full situation, you won’t move on. He is a dick. That’s the end of it.

It must be upsetting, but try not to waste anymore time dissecting what was going on between them.

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