Depression - changed family member permanently

[EhDelVice]

My parent had a terrible period of depression a few years ago. At first, there was no diagnosis and complete denial that anything was seriously wrong, but they seemed like a completely different person, and behaved in ways which were horribly upsetting. Things then got worse and I genuinely thought they had dementia and had started to grieve for the person I knew - my sibling agreed about this.

Thank goodness when they finally went to their GP, and were diagnosed and offered help. My parent slowly recovered and gradually seemed to become the person they used to be, at least, compared to when things were at their most awful. But a few years on, I think that the episode of depression has changed them irreversibly. There’s a certain presence that just isn’t there any more. Many traits are the same as they always were, but I think some things were lost forever during that time.

Has anyone else ever experienced this with a loved one? I sometimes wonder if it’s all in my head! My sibling hasn’t exactly agreed or disagreed with me on the subject, but then, it isn’t nice to think about.

Needless to say, I have a lot of sympathy for what my parent went through, and I’m so grateful they got a lot, lot better. But I am left with this (slightly horrifying) thought about the whole thing…

Are they on medication still ? If so perhaps it could be the medication that is affecting them. I know anti-depressants made me feel so much better but almost sort of stunted emotions at the same time.

People lose resilience as they get older and find it harder to conceal their mental health difficulties. Depression can be a serious illness and, like physical illness, it leaves its scars even when successfully treated.

People often find ageing changes in parents difficult to accept because they're used to seeing their parents as strong, resilient people who raised them. Seeing a parent change or become vulnerable is hard, but a reminder that they're individuals in themselves and that they're fighting their own battles just as we all are.

The medication is clearly helping, but the underlying depression will still be there and likely always will be. Also, depression doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. Chances are they've been hiding it for many years prior to the illness becoming severe. Whatever has caused the depression can cause permanent changes in the brain as well.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation Thank you for this thoughtful reply. Lots of points for me to think about.

I definitely find it hard to see them age and not be as resilient, which is very unfair of me I suppose.

The “permanent changes to the brain” is something which aligns with what has played out. As far as I see things anyway. I sort of wish it was talked about more if this is fairly common.

@EhDelVice I'm experiencing this with my DH who was diagnosed with Adhd aged 60 after suffering depression during the pandemic. He's not medicated as it wasn't recommended for him. He's not the person he was and has become a bore, droning on about uninteresting stuff and more reliant on me for domestic support than ever even though he's physically capable and still working.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation That's sad if useful information. He never had great emotional resilience anyway and now the ADHD behaviour is very, very marked although the depression is largely gone.

I love him but his frankly weirder and weirder habits are very hard to live with. Dementia has been ruled out which is a positive.

@Adhdwife

That sounds hard. Are the ADHD symptoms new? That’s interesting if so. What sorts of habits do you notice other than the droning on 😥? Have you been together a long time?

My parent is a similar age (early 60s) and has not been on anti depressants for some time now. Also still working, but I wonder how this is actually going and what it’s like for their colleagues - I know there have been some problems at work and I suspect they may have noticed a change too. One big thing is that they repeat themselves, the same thing is said over and over about a piece of news/gossip /fact/anecdote etc. sometimes twice within days but more often every few weeks for many months. When it’s pointed out, they look hurt and surprised and claim to not recall ever having shared that information before(!). It’s difficult because, while I know they can’t help it, they don’t have dementia so I find it difficult to have patience with it. There is just this vagueness that I find incredibly disconcerting. And a tendency to speak a thought out loud before they’ve considered if it is appropriate to say - that’s how it seems anyway! Although possibly minor/unnoticeable to an acquaintance, to me it’s a marked personality change.

I might sound horrible but I feel like I want them back how they used to be. Maybe this is just ageing though and I should be grateful that things aren’t a lot worse.

@EhDelVice ADHD is only diagnosed if symptoms have always been there since childhood and they have, but not as noticeable for me as we didn't see as much of each other pre pandemic. We have both had lifestyle changes and DH went self employed, losing the dopamine hit and social contact he used to have in full time employment. That triggered depression and I was the one who figured out the underlying cause of ADHD.
He then saw a private psychiatrist who confirmed what we both had suspected.

He doesn't generally repeat the same information, but he talks to much and on too much boring detail. That's something he's always done to an extent, but it's far worse now.

He's disorganised, untidy and has a tendency to over focus on whatever he's currently obsessed with - all classic ADHD.

But, the happy go lucky side which I find attractive has diminished and he's driving me nuts!

I would suppose any major episode of illness will have lasting effects on a person. I am not the same person that I was when I was 20 (when I was first diagnosed with depression), 20 years later, I'm still a person with depression, it's a lifelong trait for me I would say, but life goes on, I have 2 children and a husband, some good things have happened, and I've had bad times too.

There may have been some trigger or cause for your parent's depression; maybe it's something they're not aware of, or don't feel they can discuss with you, maybe it's still sitting there in the background.
Life changes will happen, treatment for depression isn't always a cure, and aging comes to us all. It's inevitable that changes will occur, however uncomfortable they are for the individual and their family.