I wish I'd died giving birth or soon after.

[Notgettingbetter]

Let me start off by saying I'm not actively suicidal - I'm not going to hurt myself.

This is just a thought churning around in my head today and I thought it might help to get it out. I have similar thoughts every day and have for about a year now.

DD is nearly five. I love her to bits and she is the reason I keep going. I know that losing me at any point in her life would be damaging but I can't help but think at least she wouldn't remember me if she'd been little. I know it would still hurt throughout her life. And I know it would devastate my partner and loved ones. I'm suffering hugely with depression. I'm taking two antidepressants and have been seeing a counsellor. Nothing helps. I have anhedonia - unable to enjoy anything, not even my little girl - that particularly hurts. Everything day is just varying degrees of emotional pain. I am functioning. Just. But I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist.

My doctor has just adjusted my meds. Maybe this combination will help.

Op, I have been where you are so didn't want to read and run.

The most important thing you can do now is keep taking all the help you can find. This will get easier. Brighter days WILL come.

Things that have helped me enormously are the right medication, someone to talk to, good sleep, nutrition and exercise. It's really, really hard to do the last three when you're feeling so low, which is where the medication and support come in.

Do you have a supportive family around you?

Thank you for your reply @SignOnTheWindow

I get plenty of sleep thanks to one of my meds though I still get very tired. I make sure to eat and keep hydrated. I'm sure I could do with more exercise but I do get out and about most days.

My partner is great but he's exhausted - DD has just recovered from an illness which meant she was in a lot of pain for several weeks and lost quite a bit of weight. None of this helped my mental health obviously. We don't have any family nearby and I'm not emotionally close to any of them anyway. I have a few dear friends I can talk to but I feel bad for always being so miserable.

I need to look for a new counsellor - the last one had to end our sessions due to a family crisis.

I also found in those dark times that setting myself easily achievable mini goals and actually doing them, gave me small dopamine hits, which then had a knock on effect.
Sometimes they needed to be goals like getting dressed, going outside for 5 mins, taking a shower, cleaning my teeth. In better times they could be going for a swim, reading a chapter of a book.
I also find that self talk helps. E. G. "Drinking this cup of tea is really pleasurable. I am enjoying the sense of comfort it brings" or "Look at those flowers. How amazing that the world contains such beautiful, sweet smelling things." I don't necessarily say these things out loud, but in my head! It's a bit corny, but it does help. Xx

Sorry about the cross post!

Are there any support groups around you?
I'm in the South East, around the Oxford/Reading area. If that's anywhere near you, I could point you to some.

Huge hug from me. I can empathise with how hard this is for you right now. Xxx

op I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid I don't know much about your condition but I have had depression in the past, and can often feel myself slipping into it even though I'm 'well' now. You definitely need to find a good counsellor who can work with you...
I'm sorry if this is done a lot, but can I ask if you've done any meditation? I've found it can help me focus on the 'now', what's real, etc, and it seems to quiet my mind down and help me relax. There are lots of apps or videos on youtube, you might find someone you like x
Hope your dd is much better soon, and you all get some rest xx

Gosh, OP, what a difficult place you are in. I'm so sorry.

IME depression can be complicated . There may be lots of combined reasons you are feeling this way. There are also lots of things that may help, but it can be difficult, in the fog, to find your way through.

I'd just like to encourage you to keep going, trying different things. A different counsellor, different meds (with your GP's help), lifestyle changes. One foot in front of the other. You have your lovely DD to do this for, but most of all, you deserve a good, happy and fulfilling life, and this is completely within reach.

Exercise has been shown to have a huge impact. As has getting outside for 20 minutes within 2 hours of getting up in the morning. Would you be able to try to do this?

I have found mindfulness to be life-changing, too. 'Headspace' app has a free course.

I know you're not asking for help or advice here, so please ignore all of these thoughts if inappropriate, I just wanted to offer them in case they may be of help.

Lastly, I found this book amazingly useful. To be honest, I don't htink I've been depressed since I read it. Which doesn't mean to say I've not had ups and downs, I just don't get stuck there, if you see what I mean:

'Feeling Good, the new mood therapy' by Dr Burns

How are you feeling today, OP?